A N N A J O H N ' S D I A R Y

february 27

weight: 122
bodyfat: 19

kcal: :)
vasa: :)

gym: quads, hams, calves, upper/lower abs + obliques
write: :)
dog: no. that little shit escaped. AGAIN.

i am such a GIRL! i was about to start this short return-to-diary-post since i've been away for a few days...i would've written a proper, pithy one, but i've been up cleaning like a mad-girl b/c moms is back in amreeka in T- ten hours...

anyway, the only thing on at 3:30am is the red-headed-cancelled Sharon Osbourne show...and they had some random cable host on...i wasn't paying attention until i heard the words "in the back of a new york city taxi cab" and then of course i perked up...i had just had a lengthy, obnoxious AIM convo about how *much* i missed new york a few hours ago, when i was last at the vaio...

basically, this guy had planted a ring in the back of a cab...and arranged for his gf and her best friend to get THAT cab...where they found the diamond...and she's such a good girl she freaked out and told the driver who played along and said..."oh no...i just dropped that man off! he's proposing to his gf tonight...at the plaza!"...and then she finds out that the plaza is indeed aware of a proposal from this guy named "frank" and yada yada yada she runs around trying to find "frank" b/c she wants to make sure that he gets the ring...finally she just goes to the plaza...up the stairs...and there's her bf. and she doesn't move at first b/c she's so overwhelmed by all the balloons and flowers and he's all dressed up...and he's soooo sweet. i'm usually not a big fan of "creative" proposals-- a lot of them are just lame. but this one was so sincere and they were so happy...and they were new yorkers...so how could i *not* love all that. ;) i just want to know how the bf made sure his girl got THAT cab...after seeing so many cabs get snaked in ny, i can only imagine how nerve-wracking it was to leave THAT rock in the back of a taxi.

and i had the dumbest smile on my face. :D yay love. yay plaza. yay NY!

right...so where was i...

i'm concomitantly exhausted and awake...prettying up 3000 square feet takes fucking forever. what the hell. i didn't even use 60% of the bleeding house. gah. and i'm trying to NOT make it obvious, right? the point is to make it seem like i was on top of my shit (ha!) the whole time. so i'm cleaning, but if it's too clean i'm mussing slightly. is there some pharmaceutical cure for perfectionism? b/c it's 3:47 in the fucking morning and i have loads to do in the AM as well, since traffic prevented me from getting back up here and to the post office before 5pm. does EVERYONE need to go to tahoe? why aren't there flights?? get OUT of my way! don't get me started on how annoying lumbering SUVs are... >:(

despite bumper to bumper environmental rapists, i am massively proud of myself for getting back here an hour before the gym closed...and throwing myself in to a vicious work-out. i think i like abs b/c they're so brutally difficult. all of this dedication, body fat that's the lowest it's ever been in my life and the definition is barely there...it's such hard work. boys want girls who play hard-to-get (which is CRAP...anyone who's too old for that shit, holla at your girl.) and this girl wants muscles that play hard-to-get. ;) in other obnoxiousness, it's always extra-satisfying when you're lifting and you realise, "oh my, i need MORE weight, this is too light." 0:)

OH! i almost forgot...brief things that will entertain you:

1) that fucking dog escaped AGAIN. no remorse. i've HAD it. just WAIT 'til tomorrow...
2) the cursed canine was able to do this b/c storms BROKE the ENTIRE fence on one side of the house
3) i came home from the gym to a horrifying voicemail for moms...in malayalam...

"ammamma...i have a thing to ask you;has anything been set for latha's wedding? what does she think? the reason why i'm calling is b/c there is a very nice boy here in los angeles, h-1 visa (this is where i nearly fainted with terror), his name is S____ John (fabulous. i won't have to change my fucking name.), he is very sweet and good and pious. (bleagh). also, he is not too dark, not too light. perfect colour we think for her. (indians are so fucking backwards. hell, all minorities who are consumed with this are.) just give us a call, i am ready to give your email, or maybe latha's email? (what the FUCK?!) that way he can contact her..."

i was STARVING after my torture workout, but that answering machine message stole my appetite faster than zara bit chanel's last collection. i am NOT getting married. and DEF. not to someone from there. malayalee boys who are from HERE are simultaneously terrified of/hateful towards me...and she wants me to go fob? are they insane? i'm about to decide to be gay. that way sin and i can be each other's cover and live fabulously ever after. gah!

anyway, after that unnecessary pause for emotional pandemonium, i ate egg whites like a proper gym rat. but i was eating flaming hot limon cheetos whilst scrambling. before i get hate-comments about how THAT is why i don't have a six-pack, a pre-emptive "fuck you." i had a whopping THREE of them. all things in itsy bitsy doses. even toxic, fluorescent junk food. some people masturbate to proclaim self-love...i let myself eat empty calories. it's WAY more naughty ;)

+++

sharon osbourne is over and so am i. i need to pass out and get four hours of sleep. i'll let miss osbourne's surprise guest, hot german chocolate cupcake hi'self boris kodjoe leave you with a final thought to ponder, that TOTALLY speaks to my inner thoughts this evening, (G and boo...you're going to totally recall tonight's conversations...) though he was pacifically discussing the biggest difference between the US and his native deutscheland...

Kodjoe: I think society is different here. At home, you figure out who you are, you discover yourself in your twenties. You're not even concerned with finding a mate or getting married or kids until you're 30 or 35. Here, people get married in college or right of high school. They're worried so much about finding a mate. ... You don't have a clue who you are until you're 35 and then you figure out that you're with the wrong person.

word. even though ich spricht keine deutsch right now, i suddenly feel like moving to berlin. sin, darling...are you in? german men for you, the autobahn for me...it's sounding flawless already...

28 is great.

H~E~R~S~T~O~R~Y's Total number of hits: 28054

Average per day: 158.50

Today: 259

In the last hour: 10

This week: 1141

;)

latest testimonial...and it came at the perfect time...

Prerna, 02/27/2004:


I don't think I have felt more intimidated writing a testimonial than I do now (why must you make me so dramatic Friendster?!). I will attempt to do justice with the only ammunition at my disposal --- words. Anna is a finely tuned engine (can you hear the purrr?) with the intuitive capacity to probe deep into who you are and what you are capable of. At a time of fatalistic and incapacitating self- perceptions of inadequacy, Anna wrote me an indescribably uplifting email that I refuse to delete, even though it has been in my mailbox for two years now. There aren't many people whose emails I save. I've saved the ones Anna has sent me. I might be what you would call an admirer from afar (literally! I'm a whole coast away!). I wish I could've been witness to more of the substance that Anna exudes from her every pore (and you know she takes better care of them than you do!). Her words simultaneously wield both power and grace. Don't act surprised. You knew it all along. Beauty, intellectual voracity, intense magnetism, and stiletto heels --- unmistakably Anna.

february 24

weight: 122
bodyfat: 21

kcal: :)
vasa: :)

gym: lats, back, ant/med/post delts, chest.
write: :)
dog: YES!!! (shorter)

was a bit sad today...more drama and tears. it was not an opportune occasion for this (is there ever, though?) because i had no energy to deal with all that was on my lenox "autumn" dinner plate. i fell asleep at 7ish in the morning. woke up a little after noon. those events were punctuated by phone calls, forming a paranthesis around my meager rest. at 7:15 am, just as i was FINALLY dozing off, the DoD called to interview me regarding a security check they were doing on one of my former interns/mentees. i can't be upset at this-- i still have my DC phone number. he innocently thought i was somewhere that was three hours ahead. when he told me the name of the person this was all for, i woke up immediately...i love that girl. she was my left hand that tumultuous summer, and one of the two best interns ever. (my right hand, nisha, was my other "best".)

a few hours of precious slumber...

and then another phone call, this one from someone i care about. it was okay, i didn't mind. but.

BUT.

i was a walking zombie. i passed out twice during the day. not a good foundation for a day built on tears.

i turned it around though...i went to the gym AND walked the dog. doesn't matter how much saltwater fell, all's well that ends well...

+++++++

finally...when i was cleaning out my stuffed-up inbox, i actually got around to reading my GLOSS report...i'm so glad that i did...they commenced the newsletter with the following blurb:

"GAY BOUQUET! Just a little information on this story. An email went out and has been sent around the world. Now Gay friendly flower shops in the San Francisco area are getting thousands of calls to send wedding bouquets to city hall to gay couples standing in line to get marriage licenses. Notes are simple.. "with love from the Lower East Side" ( I sent my arrangement this afternoon..) It's an outpouring of love coming from people all over the world.. gay and straight.. The flower shop I used said they were expecting it to be busier than valentines day. I used Mariner and Company Flowers and spoke to someone named Jim there. He said that they are getting so many calls that one truck is going to and from city hall as fast as it can. He is getting calls from all over the country - his number is 800-797-7744...they are calling this "the big gay bouquet" .

This is the email being sent out;
Just a few minutes ago, I called a gay-friendly flower shop in San Francisco and ordered an arrangement sent to City Hall. I told them to deliver to any couple -- it didn't matter who -- standing in line to get married, with my blessing. The card will read simply "With love, from Minneapolis, Minnesota." Once they understood, they were very touched and thought it was a great idea. And that's when I thought, man! wouldn't that be cool if people from all over the country, gay, straight and otherwise, started sending flowers to the people in line to get married. So, I'm e-mailing everyone I know! Feel free to pass this along. We're calling it the Big Gay Bouquet. I have a feeling that any Bay-Area flower shop, perhaps even doing FTD through your local florist, could work."

i don't know why this affected me so powerfully, but it did. i had tears in my eyes. it made me remember the newspaper article i read earlier in the day, that discussed this gay man from dallas...he was so inspired by what was going on in SF, he jumped on a plane and came right over...on his way from SFO to city hall, he bought six dozen roses. when he finally reached his destination, arms overflowing with flowers (i keep picturing diego rivera) he started handing single roses to all the people waiting in line, in the rain. i have lived in dallas, and my sympathies go out to anyone who's queer in texas. hell, it's hard to be straight in texas, if you're not narrow. don't twist my words-- i actually didn't mind dallas...in fact, Highland Park would be an ideal place to be a mom...but i'm hetero. i could do that. legally. fearlessly. freely.

i wish someone had captured that picture-- the man trying to hold 72 roses, joy and nervous excitement apparent on his face. there's just something about strangers being hyper-kind to each other that makes me happy to live in this world.

good night...

this sad little girl thinks she's cool

following fast on the heels of my "why can't malayalees not be lame" post yesterday on my real blog, there is this development...

oh, wait.

backstory is needed. it would be inapposite for me to rant right now b/c you'd have no freaking clue who i was directing my incredulous scorn and considerable disdain at, now would you, minnows? all right. you may all add this to the list of myriad things that i meant to blog about last (pukey) week. perhaps THAT is why i feel like you guys already know how LAME i think this website is...oy fucking vey, already...

she doesn't even make sense. i'm starting to get sick of reading web pages/ friendster testimonials and messages/anonymous emails/ _________ that lack any approximation of the formation of basic linguistic units. i know, it's elitist of me to hope that the rest of the motherfucking world learned how to spell at some point, but truly, we are descending in to a sort of written chaos that is anathema to this erstwhile english minor.

and i--with sickening reluctance--quote:

"The world is not at a stand still I don't ask because quite frankly I don't care."

dear mel gibson and jim caviezel, PLEASE make it stop...i know that i have trespassed against you, me and inanimate objects, but come ON...punish me with some brimstone...take one of my organs repetitively in some nocturnal promethean torture...make me listen to britney spears while having to look at janet's ready-for-national-geographic teat...anything but SONNI.

how did i experience the virtual finger down my throat that IS this site? someone sent me the link to this A-O-Hell...thing...which is appositely crowned with the words..."My First Home Page!" after being exposed to it, i feel like using the word dilettante, but that would be consummately unfair to dilettantes. there is nothing that twists my agent-provocateur knickers like girls who FRONT. gaaaaaaah. if you know me, you know why this has upset my bowels the way that it has-- she had the nerve to use the only poem by maya angelou that ever meant something to me, as an introduction to this clusterfuck. when my dear friend's ex is done with the stepladder, borrow it SONNI, and get the fuck over yourself.

+++++++

oh yeah...re: the aformentioned "development" that inspired my wrath...one of my good friends had the nerve to say "hi" to sonni online and she was a ridiculous, unreasonably rancid jerk to him. oh, HELL no. random strangers sweetly say hello to ME all the time via AIM or email...if you put yourself out there, it's bound to happen. unlike tactless, deluded, self-absorbed sonni, i look at it as a blessing...i'm *always* humbly gratified when someone is kind/brave/interested enough to give me feedback...after all, no one HAS to read these blogs and flogs of mine...thus it's a tiny gift every single time someone does. i mean that. i'm especially touched when the second or third sentence in my AIM window is something akin to: "i feel stupid doing this...you don't even know me...i promise i'm not weird or anything." oh my...dearest potential friend, *don't* feel stupid. you are not stupid, at all. i am not stupid. we all KNOW who's stupid...

i think it shows an appalling lack of grace to be rude to a stranger.

it shows an egregious, unforgivable lack of intelligence to be rude to a stranger that is part of my life. but those of you who *know* me, knew that i don't rant like this unless i have a reason. i have a million other things that i can write about besides some sad website...but if you're mean to anyone i love, mel gibson help you, i will fuck your shit up, and yeah, i might just do it publicly.

you've been warned. be nice to the hundreds of people that i think are the bee's knees, b/c i promise you they are all amazing, wonderful and deserving of only sweetness. if you are not nice, i will out you for the sad fuck that you are. no, you shall not amplify your unnecessary ego by hurting my innocents.

funniest away msg ever...

Large buttocks are pleasing to me, nor am I able to lie concerning this matter. For who, colleagues, would not admit, Whenever a girl comes by with a rather small middle part of the body Beneath which is an obvious spherical mass, that it inflames the spirits So that you want to be conspicuous for manly virtue, noticing her breeches Have been deeply stuffed with buttock? Alas! I am captured, nor am I able to desist from gazing.

from the brilliant mind behind this.

february 23

weight: 123
bodyfat: 19

kcal: :)
vasa: :)

gym: too exhausted!
write: :)
dog: see: gym

i've been reconfiguring typepad, and now i'm soooo spent. but it's all worth it, right? when my dear blog looks and works better, i'll be so much happier. i also put up my first real album, chock full of pictures from sunday's phenomenal bar mitzvah party...(now you know why i was tired!)

haven't had the time/energy to flog, and so many of you want to see what i wore, so i learned how to do this properly, and it's not bad! eerily like fotolog...yet not. i don't think i'll give up my day flog. ;)

i watched the fast and the furious tonight. for the first time. i am surprised to note that i loved it. it could even make the prospect of moving to LA tolerable ;) that, and unlike someone uber-dear to me, i have decided that i DON'T hate vin diesel, even though he's a meathead. but hey, i said i appreciated him, that doesn't mean that i would DATE him. (i have this thing about dating meatheads, boys who use too much product in their hair, fake brown thugs etc) i remember all the fuss about this movie, and how i had so much going on, it wasn't really a priority for me to go and see...but i do remember making fun of my guy cousins for thinking that mia was cute...unibrow chick? are you fucking kidding me? jordana brewster is a plain, plain girl. i am thrilled to report that after actually viewing the flick, i TOTALLY stand by my initial, baseless claim that the other girl was hotter. all of my cousins thought i was an idiot.

well.

"letty" is my girl. she wrenches on her own ride, races (and spanks boys) on her own, is passionate, loyal...how anyone can choose milquetoast mia over luscious letty is far, far beyond my powers of comprehension.

+++

in other news, i got stalked via AIM by a friend's sad ex-gf.

PunjabiprincSANE: hi, you don't know me but I know your friend ____, I went out with him for a very long time... according to him you guys have never messed around-- is this true? I don't really give a shit if you both have-- i just don't like him lying about his relationship with you...

here's a stepladder bitch, get the FUCK over yourself. NOW. seriously...

what did i do, you ask?

i did nothing. i didn't respond. i was actually being a proper buddhist for once--despite being hooked by FATF...a truly anti-zen movie if there ever were one-- and all that kept coming to mind (besides the absolute truth that i need to get some NoS for my baby) were thoughts of...ugh...compassion.

like..."this is kind of pathetic...i feel bad for this very unhappy girl." and "haven't we all been in that awful place where we've done things that are consummately lame?". then my mean-spirited, old-testament-toting Christian reared her vituperative "eye for an eye" head, and it was OVER. i remembered that my friend broke up with her YEARS ago, and that she stalks my blogs, flogs AND friendster profile, jealously. she's constantly noting if he gets mentioned, flogged or if he's in one of my pictures. it just so happens that he IS in one of my friendster pics, and the hilarious thing IS, "prnces", i was about to take down that picture. suddenly i'm seized with an exhaustion so thorough, i'm afraid i'll just have to leave it up.

anyway.

it's so late...i can't believe it's 6am. would have gone to bed, but i haven't written in a few days, and i felt bad, b/c this is part of my new year's resolutions. all you need to know is:

1) ankle is okay

2) flu seems to have cleared up...finally!

3) i had a BLAST at the bar mitzvah

4) i made the most sinfully ridiculous grilled provolone on sourdough with arrabiata sauce shmeared inside, so it tasted pizza-esque. and i used olive oil instead of butter. viva italia etc. b/c all of this wasn't yummy enough, i took shredded parmesan and asiago cheese and sprinkled it on the OUTSIDE and let it melt there too, where it hardened in to this glorious, fatty, salty shell. oh but when i'm on, i'm ON. ;)

off to dream of evening gowns, glitter and driving 140 mph...

A :)

i love babies with curly hair. hell, i just love curly hair.

awww, don't be sad...there's finally a whole new flog ready. cheer up!

february 19

weight: 124
bodyfat: 21

kcal: :)
vasa: :)

gym: pukey!
write: :)
dog: see: gym

despite the overwhelming desire to empty my insides that dominated my day...i was remarkably effective. i had a huge to-do list item that got delayed yesterday due to search engine-related trauma...and i nailed it. done. such a good feeling to tackle the ugly tasks and NAIL THEM. i even managed to talk northwest airlines in to accepting the ticket i flaked on and that i possibly lost...not only do i have a new ticket to new york (!!!) i'm getting such a great deal, there will be travel voucher loooove left over. :D i tell you, when i'm on, i'm on.

so. i woulda been poshitively giddy (can't you tell? more stuff on this blog today...i write when i'm happy!) except i had the most violent nausea this side of pregnancy. gah. i'm scared of puking, too, so that just compounds my misery. also, a point of information: i've NEVER puked in a toilet. i refuse to. decades ago, my father was horrified at this custom..."you're telling me to put my baby's face where i empty my ASS? what the fuck is wrong with you!" meanwhile, i was wobbling with queasy violence. "latha, do it in the tub!" and with that, he grabbed both of my pigtails out of the way with one hand, held me with his other and leaned me over the bathtub. i wept while he yelled. "out with it!" but i'm scared, daddy, i whimpered. "it needs to come out!" despite my vain attempts to dispute this, he was right and my insides were soon outside. on went the shower as my pigtails once again swung free. nastiness promptly flowed down the drain. shower off, back at sink...handfuls of clean water rushed to my bruised lips "rinse!"..."again!" my father was never gentle with me. he washed my feverish face with the same force he applied when waxing his antique car. time after time, his excessively strong hand splashed my face with warm water as his palm seemed to rearrange my features.

then his thorthu exfoliated me. if i wasn't woozy enough from losing all of my tummy, THAT clean-up ritual was enough to knock me flat. mid my wobble, his right arm swept under me and made static electricity noises with my pink, ruffled minnie mouse pajamas. lift. i was gliding through the air, half conscious, up, up and away. within seconds i was in daddy's bed. a sheet was yanked over my face and then perfunctorily flipped under my chin. "call daddy if you vomit again, " he warned, in malayalam. i was beyond traumatised. i was still shaking with fear. vomiting was such a violent process. a pitiful whimper started to leave that sad place which exists in the back of one's throat...and before i could complete it, he turned around. a babydoll swiftly appeared from somewhere and found her way to my left. i had just enough energy to push my left arm underneath her and turn, half collapsing over her. "don't trow up, Lilymon. it hurts." i admonished. and then, finally, i was able to rest.

so. there you have it. i didn't intend to have this flashback at 4:45 in the fucking morning, but i did. i wish that i still had lily and a dad to fret over me gruffly. but i don't. and i still won't puke where you empty your ass.

this woman is so fucking useless. she makes me ashamed of my gender. :p

i'm watching "the apprentice"...

ohhh, i HOPE that BITCH omarosa gets her ASS thrown off the top of trump tower. i've hated her from the beginning (started a blog post about her after the first episode...never finished it.) and she sucks.

update:

the whore stayed. may she get all that she so richly deserves. gah. >:(

anna john...on top as usual ;)

this blog is the number one search result on google for "anna john". too bad google isn't as useful as it used to be...then i'd REALLY be all excited. sigh. and despite recent, traumatic events, it's still my default search engine in mozilla. i still even have my deskbar.

hate the sin, love the sinner, right? :p

Before this river becomes an ocean, before you throw my heart back on the floor? Oh baby I reconsider my foolish notion-- well I need someone to hold me, but I'll wait for something...*more*...

it's so hard to accept G-d's will.

...the path the universe reveals to you...the twists and turns life subjects you to...

i hate this idea that my mom is always throwing at me; "G-d is putting you through these things to humble you, so that you'll become closer to him." i loathe the concept of a deity who uses such methods. it has turned me off, massively, to religion. G-d is like the military then? all about breaking you so that you just obey blindly and loyally? that disgusts me. my G-d is the G-d of love. and i'm going to try and remember that. i'm going to remind myself that no matter how atrocious life has gotten, everything always worked out in the end. essentially, i'm going to try and develop faith.

february 18

weight: 124
bodyfat: 21

kcal: :)
vasa: :)

gym: rest
write: YES (sachdoc)
dog: yes...we played outside for a few hours. brushed and vacuumed her too.

wow. well, let's hope that i got all the icky days of 2004 OUT of the fucking way...b/c i've just had an abominable 24 hours of bad news. surely you were all keenly aware of some sort of serious disaster...my last post gives you four-thousand words about my state today...

let's name it...missouri. we all know that i am terrified of the vast middle of america, that i cling to my beloved paranthesis...i'm a coastal girl, consummately. so. today was VERY missouri. frank black's voice wafts eerily through my head..."i'm in a state, i'm in...a state...". wow. that's my favourite pixies song of all time. when i was flirting with the only boy i've ever been in love with, and i found out that he loved the pixies, i put those lyrics (and more of them) up on an away message that he was delighted to receive. "i'm in a state..."

amazing how your life just keeps going in circles.

when i got part 2 of my bad news this afternoon, the news that would put me over the top and in...to..."missouri"...the boy who appreciated brown eyes was the first person to respond to my modern SOS. three messages sent out: the first via blackberry, the second via AIM, the third avec good ol' email. they answered in almost that order. NY, CT and IN...so weird. tears and pleas stretch like elastic to three disparate states, all the way from arnold-land...and as elastic is wont to do, post-stretch, it snapped, and suddenly i was surrounded, virtually, by people who knew, understood, cared. emails, voicemails, AIMs...it was enough to get me out of "missouri", i tell you.

i know that i am lucky, b/c when i fell, angels raced to my side. one of them famously remarked, "normally i'd mock you, but even i can see that this is just a time when you need a hug." indeed. another angel ranted in to an AIM message box, cursing anyone who creased my brow, inspired my tears, resisted my charm, underestimated my potential. my final angel, the archangel, if you will...simply wrote what i needed to read. and far more significant than THAT, he meant it.

i am surrounded by angels.

even furry ones, who, when offered a treat, snap their jaws with a force that recalls sharks, even those four-legged angels rise up on hind legs, push open a patio door, bound in and sniff and lick me. unable to see my face, rani delicately picked up sections of my wild, wavy, product-free mane with her teeth. one-by-one, she moved them to the other side of my head, painstakingly revealing my face. which she nudged. i looked up at her, breaking the no-dogs-in-the-house rule. at THAT moment, i was beyond grateful for her. i gave her a hug while she patted my knee with her paw. remember, anna, that there are millions who don't even have THAT love available to them. i closed my eyes to memorize this magical bit of grace and then thought one better; i turned on the camera.

rani. the next time you break a fence, dig your way free or otherwise confound us with your awe-inspiring ability to disappear at will...i will look at that picture before i turn purple and shriek at you in malayalam. i will remember that when i was alone, in this big sad house, with my mommy on the other side of the world, my sister estranged and my father lost...when every other angel was defeated by geography...you looked up, the moment you heard my sobs, ears pointed and alert...strode deliberately to the door and made an instant decision to intervene. when no one else was or could be here, you were. i love you rani patti. final bit of my father left here on earth to love and watch over me... :)

oh it was such a soul-bleeding sort of day. i felt emotionally pale. i felt like a ghost, haunting myself. i've been through enough, and just when you think you've dealt with things and worked through them, and left them in the past...they come back and have their way with you, and you're back to feeling hopelessly despondent. apparently, i can never be present, b/c my past isn't done with me. sigh.

i'm going to focus on what's positive:

1) my dog rocks

2) my ankle hurts WAY less

3) it was sunny for the first time in days

4) i got an impromptu malayalam lesson as someone got "used" for a higher purpose (oooma GT)

5) christopher robin tried to cheer me up, and he sent me something VERY interesting (more later)

6) fluid CEO somehow picked the perfect time to call me from the first-class lounge in auckland, just to say "hi!" it was right after today's bit of nastiness...as soon as he heard the tears in my voice, he stayed on the phone for 30 minutes, trying to make me laugh, trying to distract me...his flight was boarding, but he stayed on as long as he possibly could w/o losing his seat...b/c it was important to him that he talk to me and that i was okay...

7) my college sweetheart was the last person to surprise me tonight...i never get to talk to him. i see him maybe once a year and we speak to each other maybe four or five times during the same period...this "distance" is always bittersweet; we were best friends before we ever started dating. and we dated a second time, after college...he's very dear to me. he, too went out of his way to make me feel better in his inimitable way...no bullshit, no spin.

"of course it's b/c you didn't go to stanford. but that's okay. you're still intelligent and accomplished. there are plenty of other places in the valley...some other company will be lucky to have you. then you will move laterally. done."

and with THAT, i finally exhaled. well, that and the promise of back-cracking hugs. i'm an overgrown toddler. when things REALLY go south, i will yearn for the nearest, safest lap and i'll want hugs. lots of hugs. i woulnd't trade the voicemails/texts/emails and AIMs for *anything*...but they are intangible. i really knew everything would be okay when i found out that he was making time to take me to his favourite italian restaurant...and that i was getting bear-hugged.

"you give the best hugs."

'oh anneke. fat people always do!' :D

R, i love you. i can live with not getting my dream job, b/c davis instead of columbia meant YOU. -totter.

8) i'm a very blessed, lucky girl. so many people care and worry and try...and the vast majority of them have never even met me. blows my mind, every time. whew. suddenly, i'm not so sad after all...

when everything hurts, your dog will come in and lick your face.

february 17

weight: 123
bodyfat: 20

kcal: i ate so much i felt sick.
vasa: ?

gym: cybex45, arms, abs (not obliques)
write: no
dog: yes and i'm a fucking saint. busted ankle? rain? naughty undeserving dog? mm-hmmm!

i made seven-cheese tortellini in pink sauce (an extra rich alfredo--i.e. enriched with cream and 40 g of provolone-provided FAT-- with sun-dried tomato/pomi) and ate it with that artisan roasted garlic bread. and i had tea while i was concocting the above. i had so much fun cooking-- i don't really ever get to, since this is mom's kitchen and so i know better-- i didn't realise that i sort of missed it. it's been a year (!) since i made anything that required effort. wow. i do not, however, miss a SINK full of dishes and pots and whatever. i miss having a boyfriend to take care of all of that. K was a bastard, but he was flawlessly angelic when it came to THAT. i cooked and then left the kitchen. he handed me pista kulfi ben and jerry's and the remote, on my way out. and you wonder why we lasted eighteen months.

anyway.

all of that...eating...made my tummy hurt. i don't think i can handle an ass-load of calories all at once...not with my appetite as fucked up as it is...so i passed out. and didn't get to write this. hmmm. i wonder if THAT'S why i slept almost normally...post-prandial exhaustion? interesting. don't get too excited, i'm not eating a dinner like that again. that was the worst. owwwwww. i'm not like all you omnivores and carnivores. i don't know what it's like to want to explode post-thanksgiving. this pain is very new to me. gah. >:(

i probably wouldn't have taken the time and trouble to do this retroactive diary, but i was SO proud of myself for going to the gym, despite the ankle. that was one of the fiercest workouts i've done in forever. hanging upside down and doing slooooooow crunches is remarkably satisfying. feel the burn, indeed.

i'd write more but it is GORGEOUS outside and i'm going to avail. it's been murky nasty for the last several days, and more storm is around the corner. so if you'll exsqueeze me, i gots to go work on my tan. ;)

++++++++++
private script: i have the best lawyers EVER. merci edb et tan. :) :) :)

i shake my head.

does it weird anyone else out that kirstie alley is wearing what appear to be victorian dresses in her commercials for Pier One?? her adverts are getting more and more bizarre...my dear brow is very furrowed. the one i was forced to see a few seconds ago featured...ahem...a metallic blue concoction. no.

no!

Who's your motherfucking DADDY?! ;)

Statistics and Referrers for H.~.E.~.R.~.S.~.T.~.O.~.R.~.Y

Note: statistics may be delayed up to 5 minutes.

T o t a l n u m b e r o f h i t s : 2 6 , 1 3 4

Average per day: 157.43

Today: 502

In the last hour: 10

This week: 1422

FINALLY! a fresh fotolog for flog-philes is finished.

you may see the other pictures here. enjoy.

i'm eating, i SWEAR...even though i have no desire to...

sigh.

b/c my darling Sam Uncle doesn't believe that i really did go in the kitchen when i was on the phone with him...i took PICTURES. he didn't want to let me off the phone, which is what he was using to coax me to eat, but i pointed out that my hands-free was in the car and that left me with one hand to cook with. faced with this untenable situation, he let me go reluctantly. but he still blew up my mobile with threatening text messages, in case i didn't take his concerned wrath seriously.

so. i made a LOT of chai (3 cups) with half and half, no less and i made the grilled cheese samwitch that uncle so intelligently suggested. see?

and here's another picture. just b/c i fucking feel like it. uncle, that's the achar i was 'mmm'-ing over.

now i'm shtuffed. two fatty pieces of provolone between sourdough avec loads of butter...3 cups of fatty chai...and i even had a few of those unbelievably addictive dinner rolls while i was cooking. now i have a little pot. (who remembers pulp fiction?)

;)

i need to be burped. volunteers?

february 15

weight: 123
bodyfat: 20

kcal: :(
vasa: :(

gym: ankle
write: yes
dog: no, ankle. that and i hate her.

i'm so tired and achey. i couldn't even muster the energy to make dinner. i woke up to a neighbour pounding on my door-- she was holding my **&*^%^$!@%+ dog by the collar. rani escaped. again. she was gone for a few hours, apparently, running aimlessly up and down the street. "i thought she looked familiar, so i checked with the other two families that have german shepherds...they said they still have their dogs. so i thought he must be yours."

no matter how clearly i said "she" or "her", i.e. "thank you SO much for bringing her home, she's so naughty!" the neighbour kept saying "he." sigh. the neighbour had a corgi. that alone made her look strange. this small beady-eyed fluffball kept looking up at her in the oddest way. meanwhile my worthless dog was looking mighty pleased with herself. i was livid.

i don't know how she escaped since she was locked in, but let me tell you, there is NOTHING more that i wish to do on a sunday than repair fences and muck about in the back-fucking-yard when MY ANKLE IS HURT. she wasn't even sad or repentant! i took mom's glove and bopped her gently on the nose-- i said "bad doggy! bad, bad rani! i am SO disappointed in you. you know you aren't allowed out without me!" she took one look at me and then had the nerve to pick up her right paw and smack the back of my hand with it twice...almost a "there, there...you are useless. do not worry about it." then she grinned at me.

i told her she was grounded and i gated the back garden-- no more taking a dump on mom's prized roses for YOU, you BITCH. that effectively cut her play space in half...but don't feel sorry for her. we have the largest backyard in the neighbourhood. it's why we bought the damned house. when i tried to scold her again, she wobbled a bit on her feet, rolled over on her side and threw her paw melodramatically across
her face. drama queen! she pulled out every trick in the book. she tried to shake my hand with each paw. she flattened her ears. gave me puppy dog eyes.

and i fucking crumbled.

i just shook my head and went in. and then after an hour, i fed her bacon. but *i* got the last laugh. it was veggie bacon. rani, you got all excited for SOY. HA! take that you houdini-wannabe.

between dealing with all of that and going to costco to gas the civ, pick up freshly baked bread and some milk (vitamin D! the first time WHOLE MILK has been purchased in this house in a few years. i just started to feel like putting half and half in my cereal was egregious. but damn it's good.), i was exhausted. my ankle was throbbing despite the 800 mg motrins i was snorting. i came back home, unloaded the car and tried to convince myself that i should go do arms at the gym. ankle is already fucked, so no use "resting" now. that and you don't use your ankle for bis and tris.

i didn't go. i started watching extreme home makeover on ABC and i was hooked. the product placement was the best i've ever seen-- it didn't even hit me until now that the reason why this week's family went to disneyworld is b/c disney owns abc. wow. i was just excited for the three little kids, b/c they were going to the happiest place on earth. it was so sweet. i got teary-eyed at least three times, but that's okay, so did the half-queer design team. you see, the daddy in this story had been in iraq for ten months. and abc brought him home for this show, to surprise his family. how can you NOT get verklempt at that? also, since all three little boys are in little league, they got the dodgers ground crew to create a mini-ballpark in the backyard...exactly 1/7 scale. that house looked amazing when they were done. i was especially in love with the boys bathroom...they turned it in to a working carwash (pipes raining down water and foamy soap, installed in the ceiling!!! a lit sign that said "wash in progress!") with pedestal sinks. i want that bathroom. it just looked so FUN.

i should've ate something at this point but i was truly not feeling well.

i don't know where the last few hours went, but i didn't achieve my goal of putting new content on all four pieces of anna-land...the flog, arguably the most popular element, remains untouched. it's just so much work...it takes me quite a while to put captions together and collage pics...that and i'm on dial-up so it takes forever. i got weary just thinking about it. but what's in my purse and HERSTORY both have new stuff. three out of four sites with new content ain't bad...

i got to talk to my mommy today...it was AWESOME. i called her about two hours ago. she was so giddy.
"guess where i am, latha?"

i don't know mummy...delhi?

"i'm standing in front of the taj."

i started screaming. no fucking way! take pictures! that's amazing! she was so happy...but she was also worried about me. i told her i wasn't eating as much.

"when you find a job, your appetite will come back. it always does. just try to eat a little bit every day."

sigh. i have to force it, but i will.

"what else is going on?"

rani ran away. AGAIN!

mummy laughed. "don't worry about it. just let her go. she'll learn her lesson. she knows better. you know that she's looking for me, right?"

yeah. i figured.

"lock her up in the dog run. take away her play privileges-- if you keep her in there she'll miss the lawn and the patio and she'll behave. you shouldn't be dealing with that with your ankle. don't go looking for her if she pulls this again, you promise me? she knows her way home. don't worry about her."

i don't know...but all right.

"have you talked to any boys?"

sure. um. i guess. i'm not exactly trying. but i got a message from a catholic boy in nyc who went to cornell--

"not one of THOSE again! stop it! we're not going down THAT road. is he an engineer too?!"

no. he's not. but we chatted online once or twice.

"good. you should just be open to things, that's all i ask. until someone puts a ring on your finger, you are single."

uh, okay. WHATEVER.

"any others?"

um. truthfully, i spoke to two malayalee boys last week. both are catholic. i also got an email from some marthoma kid in nyc. (all true! i spoke to two on AIM and got an email via browndating. i'm not lying if i omit that i'm just friends with all three. whatever your parents need to hear, to keep them happy...)

"that's excellent! see, you're trying. that's all anyone here wants to hear."

no. they want to hear wedding bells. and i'm tone deaf.

"what else?"

hmmm. i can't find my registration sticker for the civic.

"it's there. look through my office. i know i paid for it. tell me what else you're doing."

uh. um. hmmm. oh! i fasted on friday. and the friday before.

"good girl! i'm proud of you. i'm so pleased that you did what i asked."

right. i neglected to tell her that it's easy to fast when YOU HAVE NO APPETITE. thank goodness she didn't make the connection.

"oh! what do you want from delhi?"

clothes. bindis. bangles. loads of bindis. you can never have enough. you know me, just buy anything that you think i'd like.

"what kind of bangles?"

oh the coloured fun kind...and make sure they fit, my wrists are tiny now. i just want an alternative to gold. so something that goes with my indian clothes...you know my colours. i'm ALWAYS wearing gold. don't you think costume jewelry would be fun?

"yes. i still haven't found a lengha i like for you. they're all...long."

the top? oh. well, if it's pretty, i guess that's fine. whatever, mummy.

"no, i like the one karan bought you from delhi. i like your first one too. both of those have cropped tops."

true. i prefer them short as well. 'specially now that i'm scrawny. but if it's not in style you won't find it. i have no idea how this stuff works. i don't even remember what boutique he went to in delhi. just don't worry about it. you could bring me twenty packages of bindis and i'll be blissed. i'm all out of them.

"another pashmina?"

um...i think i'm good. i'm awfully enamoured with my original.

"that's five years old. it's abused. you carry it around like that kid on the charlie brown cartoon."

whatEVER. i don't need one, thanks. and i do NOT schlep it around like i'm linus.

"okay, i have to go...but be good. eat something. try and be well."

i miss you mummy. and i love you. have fun.

"i miss you so much! and i love you. this is uncle's mobile number, so save it if you need me. okay? good-bye..."

february 14

weight: 123
bodyfat: 19

kcal: half and half in EVERYTHING
vasa: 50

gym: ankle
write: yes
dog: no, ankle.

happy lupercalia, to my ancients! yeah, you heard me. this valentine's crap is lame. i'm all about a holiday that revolves around liquor, lust, revelry and half-naked boys of noble extraction running around whipping girls. HA! bet you want to click the link NOW don't you??? :)

who was my valentine this year, many of you were so nosey to inquire?

was it the captain?

the worldly CEO?

abhi "photoshop star" tripathi?

sigh.

none of the above, actually. it was my booboo. :) he was the only one who sent me a valentine on time and he spent a few hours with me today. i wasn't expecting any of that-- after all, i'm not a big fan of this holiday. so that made it all the sweeter.

i didn't do anything of note, thanks to the ankle. i DID however make amazing chai with Half-and-Half...oh it's good to be me. ;) part of me felt awful though...ankle prevented me from walking my cute canine. she totally hates me. i can tell. the dark looks. the growling. the evil barking. i mean, the melodrama really spiked today. well, at least she's in the right home for all that. ;) on this festive lupercalia, i suddenly am seized with a wistful longing for my first puppy-- he was part wolf. how apposite is THAT.

well, dear departed little wolf up above...i miss you and wish you were here, on this wolfiest of holidays.

oh, let's hope i wake up early enough for church tomorrow. if i flake, i'm forcing myself to go to yoga, as punishment. i fucking HATE yoga. which is not to say that i loathe church so much that i need to threaten myself...i just have issues waking up after TWO MONTHS of insomnia. whatever. we'll see if it works. i haven't had "jesus inside" in months and it shows.

february 13

weight: 123.5
bodyfat: ?

kcal: it's friday
vasa: 58

gym: ankle
write: yes
dog: no, too late.

i was away for a few days...didn't think any of you would really notice or mind, since the comments weren't exactly steamrolling me :) i'm sure you all had plenty to do whilst preparing for lupercalia, and THAT is why no one realised that i was gone. it's not like it's easy to procure goats in this day and age. ;)

when i think of this week it's dominated by tuesday, the most perfect day i've had in months. i had lunch with my beloved bestest friend from high school, eileen perfume and then drove down to the peninsula where i kitten-napped and got ready for my big night out. first crush was amazing and the "Lion King" was sublime. in fact, i think i am still feeling "Lion King" afterglow, and that has kind of altered my reality for a few days. i was just so happy and moved...i was passing out with a smile on my face for the last few nights vs staying up at all hours blogging.

and THEN on thursday/yesterday, i rolled my ankle. and that meant that i was totally out of it thanks to painkillers and pain that wasn't addressed by killers. and not in that good, sort of loopy "oooh this just improved my writing!" kind of way. so there you have it. i was out of town, i saw the best musical to hit SF since "Rent" and my ankle is SHIT. that about sums things up nicely. it's late and i've been resisting sleep b/c this sort of "tired" feels weird (i'm trying a different sleep aid.) stupid, silly anna. just go with it. even if it means you are going to miss yoga at 10am. eh, what do you care. you fucking hate yoga. it makes you too impatient. which is always, obviously, the point. ;)

damn it, now i can never bitch that "white guys don't find me attractive." gah!

from my browndating.com inbox...more amusement. especially when you consider that the all-important list that the white devil is referencing stated clearly that i wanted a spelling champion. ;) i'm also very turned on by people who are so lazy, they can't ctrl-c/ctrl-v a phrase they find foreign, i.e. "Malayalee" so that it's spelled properly...but if he was too lazy to spell-check his email in the first place or google "malayee" then i shan't be surprised. google, people, google! i don't just rock the gear b/c i am dating it. i BELIEVE in the amazing opportunity for empowerment that THAT little search box provides. you wouldn't go to an interview without googling the company and your interviewer, would you? how the fuck is this any different? google things that puzzle you, damn it!

in all fairness, the man skewered below had no chance. if i WERE an omnivore, i'd like my meat well-done. pink is for dress shirts, not dinner. eeek. if you aren't following my analogy or if you are new to my online empire, i'll be blunt; i don't find white guys attractive (with a few notable exceptions...a certain southern lawyer in "a time to kill" definitely makes my abnormally low-all-the-time temperature rise).

so. why do i post these embarassing missives? why dear readers, so that you may one day have a mere chance with an impossible-to-please wench like me, i mean, it's instructive, isn't it? ;) after all, i'm not the only obnoxious, frisky female with high standards out there! maybe i also post them b/c this really is my diary, and therefore i have the right to post whatever i feel like when it strokes my massive ego, even if it's sloppy. :) why, when i think of all the entertainment i've received from this website, i'm amazed that it was free. good times. y'all should get a profile of your own! :p then YOU can get fun email like this TOO!

FROM : ek nyc gora
TO : Your profile: "dime"
SUBJECT : greetings from manahatta

Hi. That is truly an impeccable list that you've prepared. I've read it carefully. Frankly, I wouldn't have thought someone who created such a list would be 'low maintenace', but for now I'll certainly accept your word, although you must realize there is some irony in that. SO, I meet most all of those requirements, save one which is the indian caste group, b/c i'm not Indian. Thus you would have to switch teams to join me. This has its advantages, e.g. i can't technically give you 'any desi BS', and i can't be a mix of east and west, unless you consider that i live in nyc and grew up in chicago, which is west of here. And my team of one is a really strong one and I need a co-captain, to carry the analogy one step too far...

You might wonder what attracted me to you besides the incredible list, the looks (call me shallow), and a total abundance of personality!? Well, I love NPR and the BBC, and have found so few women who do... so I'm impressed. Shall we say I'm positively inclined toward your intellect. I need a rather razor sharp, fast
woman to keep up with me. A woman who knows and actually cares what's going on around her... You seem to be that, or are you just a chimera?

So I gather that you're from NYC. How did you end up out there? miss it here? if you're not chill how can you possibly fit in in northern cali? I'm doing some deals in SF and was actually out there last week, a shame I didn't stumble across you earlier...

Please explain something: Although I've been surrounded by Indians since college, and in fact a number of Christian indians, most were catholic, and goan, but i don't remember any mention of 'malayee' so i'm very curious as to what that says about you, or doesn't.

SO what are you reading right now? i'm reading 5 or 6 books right now including the new paul auster book, devil in the white city, the john adams biography, and talking to myself...

Ok i could say much more, but for now I've attached a pic (i'm 6ft and athletic, although i what qualifies as an athlete? do you really want an ex pro football player? somehow i doubt it... but i'm in great shape, for what it's worth). Write more if you're interested. I promise you won't be disappointed.

SCB

there's only this

i'm off to the fotolog meetup at cafe royale...hopefully the people will be so cool, i'll discard my all-consuming desire to kill off my flog/"monthly donation", since fotolog.net works about as well as the current administration. anyway. it's my first meetup of any kind. i'm sure i won't get to attend one for howard dean, so...

+++

oh, and The Lion King? i'm still swooning. it deserved more hyper, giddy excitement than even i so lavishly gave it. phenomenal. creative. beautiful. moving. just pure joy. i want to go again. and i've only felt that way about one other musical...the story of my life...RENT. i am a lucky little girl, indeed. well-loved. thanks santa, for bringing me the one thing i asked for. ;)

bouncing off the fucking walls...

LION KING! LION KING!
LION KING LION KING LION KING!!!!!!!!!!

EEEEEEK!!!!!!

LESS THAN 12 HOURS! omg!

I'M GOING TO SEE THE LION KING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

february 9

weight: 125
bodyfat: 21

kcal: :)
vasa: 40

gym: lats, rhomb, all 3 delts, back and chest
write: yes
dog: no, too late.

took sleeping pill. took too long writing post below. took my ass to bed, b/c i'll be damned if i'm tired at The Lion King tomorrow...

way too many questions to edify and entertain you with

feel free to do this and send it to me, so that i can see your results...

+++

1. What time is it? 2:08 am.

2. Name as it appears on your birth Certificate? Her Imperial Brattiness, the Princess Annabella.

3. Any nicknames? Latha, Anneke, Princess, Chechi, Akka, Anakin, Nekes, Banana, Narcissus.

4. Parents name? John and Molly.

5. Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake: zero.

6. Date that you regularly blow them out? the first week of january.

7. Pets? one AKC'd german shepherd, Rani, age 8 this summer...assorted boys.

8. Favorite animal? elephants. dogs. lemurs. tigers.

9. Tattoo? never. won't date ink, either. i'm not wt.

10. How much do you love your job or jobs? I have no job. Ask me in a few months.

11. Birthplace? Loma Linda, CA.

12. Favorite vacation spot? London. Miami.

13. Been to Africa? No.

14. Ever stolen traffic signs? No.

15. Ever been in a car crash? Sigh. two.

16. Croutons or Bacon Bits? croutons.

17. 2-door or 4-door car? two.

18. Coffee? Decaf. Cappuccino. All day long.

19. Salad Dressing? Extra virgin olive oil and Balsamic.

20. Gore or Bush? gore. b/c i was a mccain-iac.

21. Favorite Number? don't have one.

22. RECENT Movie? Along came Polly.

23. Favorite color? Horizon blue.

24. Favorite Holiday? now, it's New Year's Eve! (thanks s and molly) :)

25. Favorite Food? Gaylord's for north (SF). Udupi for south (SF and DC). Ray's for pizza (NYC). Piatti for italian (SF). Cafe Izmir for middle eastern (Dallas). Dos Coyotes (Davis) and Chuy's (Dallas and Austin)for tex-mex. Monica's Aca y Alla for new mex (Dallas). Baghdad Cafe (SF) for fries. La Madeleine (DC and Dallas) for french. Stacks (SF) for french toast....

26. Favorite day of the week? any day that i'm happy.

27. Song of the moment? whatever plays in the Axe commercial..."give me love"?

28. TV Show? Elimidate. The Apprentice.

29. Toothpaste? Tom's of Maine, organic fennel, for sensitive teeth. Sensodyne from the UK.

30. Most recently read book? "Jitterbug Perfume" by Tom Robbins

31. Perfume/Cologne? several. when i'm slumming...clean, chanel chance, body shop white musk, demeter's ginger ale, pure patchouli oil...and other things i'll never tell. my perfume is my business.

32. Favorite scent? the inside of a pears soap box, also what boys smell like when they kiss you good-bye on the forehead before they leave for work.

33. Favorite things? there's a whole list on my blog

34. Fast Food place? in CA- del taco and jack in the crack...in TX- whataburger...G.O.A.T.

35. When was your last hospital visit? november...for some blood work, i think.

36. Favorite drink? Johnny Walker GOLD label and vintage coke out of the glass bottle.

37. How many times did you fail your drivers license exam? never failed it.

38. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? a MILF-ed out wife with 2-3 kids, a publishing deal and a 911. and the same face and body.

39. What do you do most often when you are bored? sleep.

40. Favorite quote? i have loads. but "well behaved women rarely make history" is nice.

41. Eye color? Brown.

42. Favorite Fictional Male Character? Jesus Christ, as i imagined him as a child.

43. Favorite Fictional Female Character? me.

44. NY or LA? NY

45. What's your million dollar scheme? write a bestseller.

46. Favorite movies? Sound of music, Bridget Jone's diary, Gone with the Wind...

47. Favorite bands? the Pixies, the Smiths, the Cure, Travis...see a few 100 more on the "about me" page

48. Favorite book? a suitable boy, a river sutra, the namesake, so many more...

49. Favorite magazine? W. vogue. vogue uk. allure. time. economist. maxim.

50. Best frivolous thing? me.

51. What words or phrases do you overuse? apposite. egregious. ephemeral. me. i. fuck. no.

52. What was the name of your childhood blanket? didn't have one.

53. What's your biggest fear? failing when i've been given so much.

54. Ice cream flavor? coffee or bailey's haggen daz. hazelnut gelati. rocky road.

55. Sport? futbol.

56. What time is it now? 2:42

february 8

weight: don't know
bodyfat: don't fucking care

kcal: HELLO jack in the crack and grilled cheese LOVE...
vasa: who needs water? i'm DRUNK!

gym: no, i'm off today :)
write: see above
dog: see above? see above THAT!

random aim blurb for you to "eavesdrop"...

politicaldesi: we are not fated to communicate via blog, no. but we are also not fated to delight in each other's oratorical fabulousness tonight either...i got all your msgs but i am drunk and going to bed...good night, fairest blogger ;-)

gorgeous sinner: Good night sweet princess. May flights of angels sing you to your (hungover) rest :-)

politicaldesi: *swoon* O:-)

ohhhhhh. fat = love.

went to google all tipshy with the captain b/c he had work to do...got to run amok amongst the lava lamps et al. raided the snack bar for organic tangerines and then string cheese...painted in my sketchbook...wrote in my journal...and then when my blood sugar TANKED and i put my head down and napped like it was grade school and i was playing "head's up 7-up", he lovingly picked me up out of the ergonomic chair and put me on something lovely and comfy-- one of the ridiculously plush over-sized google beanbags. it was like being small only FUNNER. come to think of it, all of the google office space sorta reminds me of Romper Room. i didn't want to leave. my nap was amazing. that bean bag was the BEST. yum.

when i reluctantly got marched outside ("but don't you have more work to do? i don't WANNA leave!")
and put in the happy yellow jeep, i realised that i was suddenly starving. hadn't had anything since the grilled cheese and tomato panini and the four Gold-and-cokes...so it was off to jack in the crack. oh my dear lord there is NOTHING finer than grease when you are DRUNK off your ASS. cheddar-stuffed jalapenos, crispy curly fries and chocolate milkshakes are better than sex when you're reeling from a johnny walker-induced swoon. ;)

anyway. it's time for this little kitten to purr and sleep. i will flog tomorrow...nothing crazy, but there are pictures of me eating the aforementioned grease-fest...and we all know that some of you sick fucks live to see me put stuff in my mouth via the flog. *shaking head*. whatever floats your yachts. ;) i need to go pass out in a fat and sugar-laced coma.

february 7

weight: 124
bodyfat: 22

kcal: i'm being naughty...
vasa: if the ice cubes in my gold and coke count...

gym: no, i'm off today :)
write: see above
dog: see above? see above THAT!

i'm far away today :) but the good news is, thanks to an indecent amount of JW and loads of hugs, i took two naps. i needed them. got 5.5 hours of sleep last night after passing out around six a.m....and then i spent 90 minutes in bumper-to-insanity traffic...so i was on the road for almost 3 hours. lovely. happily, i'm getting spoiled rotten, (massage, brie and apples from yuppie foods, leeekor, and then the two things i've been waiting for for two weeks-- jack in the crack in the jeep AND frog cookies, oh and all the affectionate attention ain't bad either. so it was worth it. it didn't seem like it at the time (i loathe traffic more than almost anything), but suffering was short-lived and the bliss continues. it compounds, even. i just finished gleefully watching this movie i LOVE...suddenly i know who i make lane changes like. ;)

" (anna) turns out, despite (her) initial air of callous and self-serving indifference, to be a criminal-type with a heart of gold..."

yeah, yeah...i borrowed that line from IMDB, but i like it, so fuck you if you don't. it really speaks to me. i mean, everyone thinks i'm such a self-centered bitch, and really, just like frank martin, *i'm* the good one. ;) oh, who lets me WRITE this shit? 3:30 in the morning and i'm identifying mightily with a campy action hero. fabulous. :) :) :) i will say, for the record, that the only "normal" BMW i'd ever drive (the old 8-series and the newer z8 don't count) *is* a black 1999 735i. with the same shocks. ;) this makes me sad though, b/c i just remembered what the 7-series now looks like and i had to cringe. what the fuck are those propeller-heads thinking? that is the ugliest "luxury" car out there. blech. someone needs to show the BMW execs this movie, and then they need to put a gun to their heads while they reverse their design direction. gah.

what else happened today...spanked a ford mustang GT on the way down on behalf of free speech...i was giggling ridiculously when i finally saw the driver of that sad only-works-on-straightaways piece of SHIT and...are you ready for this?

he had a mullet.

dear lord. that made spanking him even more fun. oh, but my car just purrs at 95. at 100 it's even more delectable. if i hadn't had the testicular fortitude to push it almost 20 miles PAST that, then the GT would've won...but...we all know that i have nuts to spare...and mullet man didn't. that and the civic takes curves like a champion compared to those fix-or-repair-daily (hey kids, turn that in to an acronym. yay!) travesties. speed makes me very happy. yum. i did feel a twinge of guilt at burning through half-a-tank of gas thanks to traffic and my antics...but...yeah, i'm already over that. i drive a ULEV, gas-resistant car. i can be a punk once in a while. they need to play the only honda commercial that's cool WAY more often. "civic nation. represent." one. word. whatever. ;)

i'm all up in car-mode tonight, yeah?

guess that's what happens when i'm happy. :)

'night...

february 6

weight: 126
bodyfat: 22

kcal: it's friday.
vasa: eh

gym: quads 40/hams 60/calves/ 55
write: :(
dog: ONE MILE! amongst the post-rain worms and snails. *shudder* i'm a saint.

i really need to start writing these earlier...i'm so exhausted right now. :(

there were so many things i wanted to write down, too...so weird, while i was out walking i remember thinking i should just leave a word document open all day and add to it as stuff plays on my mind...b/c i KNEW this was going to happen. end of the night and i'm too tired to write. blech.

i AM proud of myself re: going to the gym though...i've been mainlining motrin for 48 hours now and so leaving the couch took some discipline. what really amazed me is when i took the dog out at 10pm. (dear overprotective men in my life: it had been raining all day and it had just stopped around then.) who's responsible and dutiful and shit? I AM! i haven't walked her all week (after her houdini impersonation, i wasn't quite in the mood to be sweet) and i felt like she deserved it. i was checking her water dish and she just looked so sad and lonely. i can only be gazed at piteously for so long before i crack. she is allowed three dog biscuits a day, but at that point i gave her five. she knows the drill, she has to sit and stay before she gets one...but she was just so tentative. she was almost shaking. sooo anxious. uncle "sam" said i had to establish that i was "alpha" etc but i don't know if i like that...sure, she's obedient now, but as someone who revels in disobedience, i find this all rather disconcerting. disturbing. distressing, even.

blah blah blah...

oh, i'm just avoiding so many things...there's been DRAMA tonight...

:( yesterday the haters were all located in brasil...tonight they were far more local. yuck. whenever i see those bumper stickers that say "mean people suck", i roll my eyes at how lame, trite etc...but tonight, i kind of understand the sentiment. maybe i should just stay off AIM. that's where all of today's nastiness occurred...

whatTHE FUCKever, though. that thought just irritates me. AIM is hyper-useful to me. my baby cousin at UCLA and i chat daily, sometimes for an hour or more, and he's the only man in my life right now that i totally depend on and love and adore. upon reflection, every other AIM interaction was sweet...i finally virtually met my blogger-crush of the week, the absolutely fabulous "sin" (i dream of him playing the will to my grace...eh, who am i kidding. i may be flat like the redhead, but i'm all karen).

then, someone random said "hi, i love your flog" just as i was about to cancel it! (did i TELL you everything happens for a reason! i MEAN it!)...we went on to have this amazing chat about being mallu and creative, hip-hop, cruisers vs sport bikes, painting and of course, how malayalee haters are the WORST haters of ALL. (yes sin darling, worse even than the "knees" of karachi.)

i'll let you eavesdrop on another bit of AIM love i rec'd. my fave ceo totally surprised me by logging on from melbourne to cheer me up after yesterday's fotolog fiasco:

Fluid mod-911: some of those comments were...interesting
politicaldesi: totally ruined my day, i deleted almost 80% of the worst...
Fluid mod-911: poor anna...come to melbourne i'll show u the sights...too bad it takes 14 hrs and i'm outta here on monday...to Auckland ;-)
politicaldesi: you'll be a kiwi!
Fluid mod-911: you want something kiwi-like? trinket?
politicaldesi: no, you shpoil me!
Fluid mod-911: it's settled. i'll get you a kiwi-like trinket. i already have an aussie trinket for ya :-)

Fluid mod-911: ahhhhhhhhhhhh. sorry, was a bug. aussie bugs are very big.
politicaldesi: eeek! i'm scared of bugs! as in, really scared
Fluid mod-911: aw, nothing to worry bout. i'll protect ya :-)
politicaldesi: you have no idea. i'm an uber-girly girl when it comes to some things
politicaldesi: snakes spiders snails slugs bugs...send me screaming
Fluid mod-911: hmm.. i like uber girly girls :-)

politicaldesi: i think i'm an uber-girly girl about almost everything actually...i just like wrenching on cars
politicaldesi: my new friend was like "you're a tomboy!"
politicaldesi: ME??? are you fucking kidding me?
Fluid mod-911: haha
politicaldesi: "well you changed your own oil"
Fluid mod-911: yeah...prada in hand.
politicaldesi: so? i did it in diesel and 4" heels.
Fluid mod-911: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
politicaldesi: with lipgloss on and hair unmussed! tomboy...puh-lease.
politicaldesi: i like toys. that doesn't make me a boy ;-)

Fluid mod-911: hmm. again i ponder :-)
politicaldesi: ponder? what do you ponder?
Fluid mod-911: how you have not been swooped up by someone. though people ask me that, for me it was more of me being a complete idiot than anything...that and a few crazy ex's....
politicaldesi: sigh.

and that leads me to my next topic. marriage. my favourite ex-bf emailed me today about FIVE of his cousins who are getting married this year. i went to college with three of them, as well as the brother of the fourth. the fifth ate the halloween candy that my then-bf had bought to surprise me with, so i feel connected to him if only b/c i remember wanting intensely to throttle him, back during my freshman year.

so.

everyone is getting hitched, except me and my dear ex-. and we want nothing to do with such shtuff. despite this, i am amused to discover that several of my "readers" are now lobbying rather strongly for me to marry mad abhi, my fellow superhero in the league of bloggers (he and i link to each other). i can't get away from this shit. my mom goes to india for the first time in eleven years FOR a wedding, takes my nosey auntie and uncle from here WITH her, and i mistakenly believe that i'll be free of such pressures for a blissful few months. ;) oy vey, was i an idiot for thinking THAT.

random: i'm in LOVE with the AXE advert with the mosquito that gets devoured by the frog who shtups another frog who ends up on a plate of a rich old guy who fucks the hottie who ends up killing him and then the worms over his grave form a heart? except i always cringe at the worms (this should be expected after all you've read, no?). i love that song in the background, too...

see! that was one of the things i meant to tell you about...something that would've been in that responsible, well-planned word document i didn't open or write. well, at least i remembered ONE thing i that i wanted to...

ah, there's a yawn. RL sheets, electric blankie and feather comforter be callin' my name. i'm out like beta social networking websites. pax, y'all.

24! more! more!

Statistics and Referrers for H.~.E.~.R.~.S.~.T.~.O.~.R.~.Y
Note: statistics may be delayed up to 5 minutes.

Total number of hits: 24083

Average per day: 154.38

Today: 591

In the last hour: 2

This week: 1453

february 5

weight: 126
bodyfat: 22

kcal: eh
vasa: eh

gym: ha. too pukey and cramp-y
write: if insulting brasilians counts, yes.
dog: no, see gym excuse.

what a day...an earlier post contains my unhappy letter to fotolog.net re: the horrific technical difficulty that ruined my entire thursday...i don't want to rehash, b/c someone i love went OUT of their way to do something amazing for me, to cheer me up, and i'd prefer to focus on such sweetness vs negativity. that's the backstory behind the picture you see (is no portrait of me...it's too real to be shown to someone I don't know and it's driving me wild, it makes me act like a child).

SOMEONE is so understanding about my sadness today (and my sadness eternal b/c i'm not in nyc) that they are taking me to do something very new york. what makes this surprise ultra-extraordinary and "awww"-inducing is that i'm getting time they don't really have to spare from their 100-hour work week, and since i'm keenly aware of how busy they are, i'm massively grateful that i'm this loved.

see, it pays not to get *too* upset...everything always works out in the end. :)

nothing else really happened today b/c i spent the day anemic and nauseous. i'm so fragile. :( who made me a proper victorian heroine? anna no likey. seriously, what the FUCK. i wanna be a cowgirl, a bondgirrrl, a FIERCE girl. wah.

eh.

if baby is so cranky, she should get her arse to bed. and "uncle", you're a huge meanie for saying that my "ass is flatter than (my) stomach". :p

now if you'll excuse me, i need to go faint prettily, whilst waiting for the inevitable smelling salts. look away lest you be titillated by the sight of my ankle...

oh, if only massive rejection could ALWAYS taste this sweet...

Oh Anna my sweet, such a union cannot be. I have thought long and carefully about proposing to you over my blogsite. One day, my readers would come to my blog and instead of finding a whimsical daily entry they would find my proposal. But ours is unfortunately a forbidden love. Think of the consequences of such a union. We are both dedicated bloggers. Upon accepting MY proposal, my bride would be swept off on an 18 country honeymoon tour (no conflict diamond engagement ring to waste money on). The rainforests of Costa Rica, a safari on the Serengeti, horseriding in the Mongolian Steppes, a retracing of Frodo's journey in New Zealand, sake bombers in Osaka...need I go on? We would both be too distracted living our lives together to blog (beleive me, you would be distracted), and would let down our helpless readers!! They depend on us Anna. For better or for worse, this is the life we chose. These are the cards we've been dealt. For the good of humanity we must remain apart and focused. There is one more thing you must realize, as bittersweet as it is. Think of our potential offspring! With your brains and talent (and stomach) and my looks and determination (and nice ass) our kids would become Superbloggers. Is the world even ready for such a creation? Frankly, I am not sure. People don't accept what they cannot understand and our superoffspring would face even more persecution than us. Just like me, you recognize that you are different or unusual. Imagine what the combination of our genetic material could produce (not that it wouldn't be a lot of fun trying). And so my sweet, this is our situation. A forbidden love. Blog on girl. :)

sigh.

$*&&*$##^ start-ups +&$#@)(!% so beta!!! ?"{*^%$#@$#@)!#@$#

Dear Fotolog.net:

Please take me off your "recently updated gold patron" list, on the main page. I don't pay for abusive comments and vicious emails, and that's what I've been receiving for the last nine hours.

What's that you say? Turn my comments off? Oh, I tried. Unfortunately, fotolog doesn't seem to be working for me...a state of affairs I've grown used to but am still massively upset with. I'm losing my patience.

I understand what it's like to be new and growing quickly, but it's BULLSHIT that I have been "donating" since my first day, and a bunch of freeloaders get to send me hate mail. My fotolog is for my friends and my family-- I thought that was the original idea behind this. This doesn't feel like a community any more. :(

Please respond at your earliest convenience-- judging from the last snafu I emailed you about, that will mean I'll hear from you in two weeks, after the situation has been long resolved.

Sorry for such negativity, but this situation blows.

-suitablegirl :(

february 4

weight: 124
bodyfat: 21.5

kcal: :)
vasa: loads.

gym: bis and tris
write: yes
dog: no, didn't get the chance.

am so tired...it's 6:35 am, and i was just up all night working on something i've been procrastinating with...i'm finally sleepy, and i'm finally going to bed. it's somewhat sad, really...all through the day, i remember thinking "oh! i have to put this in diary!" etc. well. i'll give you a list, a la sachin, and that'll have to satisfy you AND me. somehow i think it's the latter that's going to like this solution least...

1) my favourite new blog linked to me (wheee! sincity!)
2) i battled nausea AND inertia and went to the gym 20 mins before they closed
3) i read "the automatic millionaire" and abruptly changed my life
4) i had to choose between pain and being sleepless, and i chose the latter. sigh. but the caffeine bomb...it fucking works.
5) i FINALLY wrote back to "admirer"
6) had an epiphany about T's bitchy, mean-spirited friends-- this is why i've had writer's block
7) i was featured on the front page of fotolog and it became a fiasco...so many comments, some of them massively inappropriate...finally had to just turn off comments entirely. :(

my eyes are sore and i feel like death. i'm going to make like a craven coward and run.

what the fcuk?

from my inbox, an email that i regularly receive from a nyc list...

Designer Shoe and Boots Sale - Free Shipping 2/05/2004 2/12/2004

This week Zappos is featuring the Via Spiga Molet (Black) - Women's: Elegant above-the-ankle boot with side zip. Kerala leather upper, leather lining and sole.

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If you're buying shoes online for the 1st time, you'll be pleased to learn that Zappos offers free shipping, free returns, 110% price protection and a 60-day return policy.

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i'm sorry, what kind of leather are the shoes made out of??