A N N A J O H N ' S D I A R Y

am i the only one who puts my money where my convictions are?

ah uncle-ji...you just spent over a quarter-mill to employ someone who is a borderline racist. where was kylie's famed voice when her douchebag sister mindlessly backed up the positions of the BNP? her sister dannii hates indians, thinks that jean-marie le pen "struck a chord" and is the biggest twat ever...and where is such ignorance conceived? at home. which is where kylie was, too. sigh. unless that price tag included putting it in her ass and then shroom-slapping her, t'wasn't worth it, imo.

MINOGUE THE WEDDING SINGER
Pop beauty Kylie Minogue turned wedding singer at a plush Paris wedding last week. The sultry star was paid $356,000 to sing to groom Amit Bhatia and bride Vanisha Mittal -- daughter of Indian billionaire Lakshmi Mittal, who reportedly spent over $100 million on the wedding at Vaux Le Viconte, just outside the French capital.

One wedding guest Amit Rai enthused, "I pinched myself when Kylie, singing at a private function for the first time, sang 'Slow.'

"People didn't have dessert as her performance was more tempting."

june 29

weight: 135
bodyfat: 22.7

kcal: :)
vasa: :)

gym: 30 mins on the arc trainer/cybex...sigh. FINALLY i'm doing cardio again...

write: :)
read: an entire US Weekly about mary-kate-- say it w/me now, "anna, you are LAME"

last type of cheese consumed: none

i 'mell like: mango, mandarin and strawberry/rose lip balm

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am so tired. mainly wrote this b/c:

1) i went to the gym, wanted to note that, especially since i begged myself to do cardio for the first time in months and it worked

2) i'm losing the weight, bitches :D

3) i want to be a good girl about posting regularly, which leads us to...

4) i updated both WIMP (a SECOND fucking night in a row!!) and "closet", with different posts regarding the same item, a very hot white purse. now this new WIMP is a verrry special one; it's a "guest" WIMP. we'll be taking a look in to my SISTER'S purse instead of mine. fun! ;)

closet gets 100 hits a day, no comments. no matter. i have fun telling you where i got things for dirrrrrt cheap. one of these days, when i nail my dream job writing for some magazine, you can say you knew me way back when my blog had a fake "allure"/"lucky" stuck to it. :D

5) i FINALLY captioned the flog pictures from june 18/the wedding in nyc. they start here, but the only caption you need to read is the "dot head" one. you may find that here.

okay. i'm exhausted from all this captioning and working out. to the land of nod i head. mwah.

p.s. i got rid of the TTLB ecosystem thing (pointless) and added this WAY cool "guest map", where you can "pin" me, and leave a comment or whatnot. basically this fun little micro-time-suck lets me see how global my readership is...if you're in siberia, and you're reading me, you'd put a little pin on siberia, and then i'd get all excited...oh whatever. it's at the bottom of the sidebar, under the ads (which you guys have actually been clicking this week! WOW, thank you! i made $10 in three days...and while that seems odd, know that some clicks are only worth $0.05-0.50 and you'll realise how hot that actually is...ah, i need a job, don't i?)

p.p.s. DAMNIT theodore, my gym closes at MIDNIGHT pst. stop leveling baseless allegations at me! ;)

i updated "wimp". yay.

Yayyy! after TWO MONTHS the "what's in my purse?" flog has *finally* been updated...i can't believe i haven't put one up since april, considering so much has changed inside my purse. ;)

before you level accusations and scorn at me, blame beta-assed, uncooperative fotolog. only consummate, tenacious, fixated perseverence got a new picture up tonight, after TWO HOURS of trying. gah. but you're worth it, so go ahead, enjoy it already. :)

he's on my new flip-flops, ask S

not since sanrio have i adored a cartoon character on merch more...

congratulations. you are the "you smell like
butt" bunny. you're brutally honest and
always say whats on your mind.


which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

june 28

weight: 135
bodyfat: ?

kcal: :)
vasa: :)

gym: TIRED after yesterday, resting for KB tomorrow :)

write: :)
read: a lot of Salon.com, as you'll see...

last type of cheese consumed: none

i 'mell like: Creed.

Marriage is love.

owwwwwwwwwww. who was massively sore today? yeah, i was. my arms have never been so ouchy...i discovered a tricep press at the gym last week, and today i was reminded of this bit of enlightenment constantly...ibuprofen was consumed...

why does my body feel so bad, to paraphrase lame moby? why, b/c i'm on "threesies". i was only doing two sets of reps...now i'm back to my old three. have i said, "owww" yet? i have? damn. it'll be worth it when i look all solidly athletic again...it's already worth it, i love my new "i'm starving all the time!" game...in my addled mind, you only have three excuses to eat like a panthi:

1) you're preggers
2) you have a tapeworm and can't help it
3) you're working out extensively. if kickboxing AND abs AND lifting all on the same day isn't extensive in your opinion, well rot in hell.

i'm debating eating right now. the fridge still bears proof of veena's quite recent visit. yum. i'm so lucky that my mom is a bomb cook...i know everyone says that about their mother, but i have empirical data from neutral, unbiased parties to back my ass up ;) caveat pig-tor: if you come over, you better be able to tolerate spicy food though. we're not poons.

i had a ridiculously prodcutive day. i applied for seven different jobs...y'all got to see the eighth, two posts below :D ...now THAT was pure fun. i hate writing cover letters but today i was sprinkled with job-hunting pixie dust, and the words were flowing easily. and no, just b/c i blog compulsively, that doesn't mean i can write drivel on command to make reading my resume seem appetizing and necessary.

ninder and nekes FOREVER

to: the DJ@gmail.com
from: me@gmail.com

subject: Anneke's website info and resume
att: AP resume.doc
....................................................................................

darling ninderpinderjeetpreet,

per your request, here is how you find your way around my online empire:

1) let's commence with my web log, the original website that featured my essays on subjects like my dad or love. it gets updated about once a week. this is the "book one", as you call it so sweetly:

http://anna.typepad.com

2) my DIARY is something i write in daily, and it is very popular. here is where you can see what i weigh and what bodyfat i'm at, among other crazy details that people are now addicted to..."kcal" obviously refers to calories consumed, "vasa" is a german word for water. i started recording this stuff b/c i was severly underweight at the beginning of the year (my BMI was ridic!), and if i put a smiley face next to one of those words, then that meant i had sufficient intakes, something that close friends/my sister were checking...

i use the word "'mell" instead of "smell" in "i 'mell like:" in an eternal tribute to the painfully adorable toddler veena, who left the "s" off any word that commenced with "sm-". since i love cheese and once counted eight different kinds in my fridge, i thought it would be funny to note what type i consumed last. "gym" and "write" are simple; did i go work out or did i write today...b/c one of my goals was to write daily and work out four or more times a week. keeping it public keeps me accountable. :) i think that explains all the weird abbreviations...let me know if i left anything out.

http://anna.typepad.com/diary

3) my *newest* site (it's a few days old!) is something that i update with shopping info...i.e. "look how cheap i got this dress for at macy's!" it's frivolous fun:

http://anna.typepad.com/closet

4) my FOTOLOG or flog is the most popular part of my online empire; this is where pictures of you (or your daddy!) show up, with captions, six pictures at a time b/c you're allowed to put up six a day:

http://www.fotolog.net/suitablegirl

5) my *other* fotolog is all about "What's in My Purse?" remember at davis? when sapna et al used to go through my bag? well after graduating, i'd periodically dump out my purse and take pictures of the contents...kind of a long-term art/self-chronicling project that i was really fond of...the process of taking such pictures eventually inspired this flog. i only update this about once a month...but it has die-hard fans. i'm amazed:

http://www.fotolog.net/hedonist

...and there you have it. :)

there is one consistency which makes this entire process of surfing your best friend easier; you can find links to all the other sites on EACH and ANY of the above URLs. no one remembers the exact web address b/c they know i have links up, so please don't feel frustrated (though i do find it massively "aww"-inducing that you attempted to google "flog" to see if i came up!) about that.

enjoy! and PLEASE comment, it makes me high. :D

love you so much,

nekes

p.s. enjoy your GMail...you native silicon valley tech-goddess, you!!! ;)

p.p.s. to answer your question, though the ads are BY google, i'm actually the one who gets paid when you click. so click whenever something catches one of those grand hazel eyes, thanks. :)

just sent this off. no really, i did.

To: SephoraJobs@sephora.com
Cc:
Bcc:
From: ........@GMail.com

Subject: Like all pretty young things, I, too am interested in Sephora.
ATT: AP resume.doc

Dear H.R. Intern who doesn't want to read this:

First off, you look amazing today. I should tell you that before the rest of the world does. I think it's your Cargo/Pupa/Bourjois/Urban Decay Lip Gunk/Gloss/Stain/Stuff...it looks fantastic on you. Well done.

Having praised you adequately, I should mention that I would love a gig at Sephora Headquarters, because it's my favourite beauty store ever. I know my chances of gaining such hot employment are slim-to-none, because rather than contain specific job listings sorted by city or department, your website merely has a pleasant paragraph instructing any and all highlighted, discount-craving, lip gloss-addicted sorority alumna/Miller sister wanna-bes to send an email, if we "wish to learn more about the exciting career opportunities available at the San Francisco-based corporate headquarters of Sephora USA and the foremost beauty Web site Sephora.com...". It further directs that if we "...are interested in finding a position", we are to send a missive to your email address, which probably is a synonym for "never emptied inbox" or "the all delete, all the time show".

No matter. I enjoy long odds and futile attempts at happiness (see: my love life). I love Sephora. And if by some miniscule percent of a percent chance someone with wit is reading this, then mabye, just maybe my resume will survive and get passed along. I dare to dream of an actual interview, but let's not bore you with such fantasy.

At the very least, if you forward this around the office, smile. There's that new miracle cream which is better than botox, to take care of any nascent wrinkles such emotion may cause. You know what I'm referring to...you already work at the mother ship.

Air kisses,

Anna

june 27

weight: 136
bodyfat: 23

kcal: :)
vasa: :)

gym: KICKBOXING, *then* arms AND abs. rockstar. (saturday: legs)

write: :)
read: not a damn thing. i was a dumb jock today. see: gym

last type of cheese consumed: romano

i 'mell like: vaseline intensive care, lavender, Creed.

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did you go look at the newest blog yet? even if you already did, you should know that:

1) there's been an all-nighter of a redesign (on DIAL-UP, you ungrateful children...gah!)

2) unlike 48 hours ago, there are, yes, ads to click :D

seriously, go. it's garish. you'll lowe it.

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"what? a brand new, CAPTIONED flog you say? bullshit. the last one mouldered up there for weeks, with nothing but that 'captions coming soon' crap to greet us...i'll believe it when i read it. hold on, it's call waiting. okay, i'm back. what? no way. her mom throwing gang signs?? on the main page? are you on crack? THIS i have to see and comment on..."

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question of the night: How many people in the world can afford a $300,000 car?
leave me your guess, i'll tell you the answer tomorrow.

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when i get fixated on something, i get fixated on something. for the last four hours, i've been monkeying with "/closet", the newest blog. i don't know if it was the vaio, AOHell (good grief, the odds are stacked against me, aren't they?) or what, but the page kept loading improperly. it's FINALLY working, just in time for all my beloveds on the east coast. you insist upon distraction from your I-Banking and Lawyering and i'm consumed with providing just that. isn't that bizarre? i actually do think of such things when i'm blogging and flogging. that's why i'll be chill about things during the core of the weekend. i know none of you chimps are checking my shit, then...you're too hungover. but come monday? ooo-eeey, billy bob...i got me nine months of stats which show that y'all practically marinate in ennui, come monday. so flog and closet are ready to go.

my joints are killing me. <----- that's it, that's the death of my youth, right there.

i may have been confused for a high school senior AGAIN today at the gym, but once you start complaining about your joints, it's over. you are OLD. well fuck it. i'm old, then. and my knees are KILLING me. i *knew* during my kickboxing class that i was going to rue all my imagining that my sparring opponent was a certain tall piece of douche bag from NJ/DC. i've never executed more vicious roundhouses in my life, and i initially took muay thai classes after my father died. unfortunately, this class isn't anywhere near as hard-core as MT...but any class where you get to spar is fantastic. and i was in the BEST mood for it, too...i had just received some evil news from someone, and i was LIVID. too livid to type what surely would've been a legendary HERstory post about it...but you never know. maybe one will come out about "sequoia-gate" one of these days...fucking massengill-level motherfuckers. grrrr. >:(

in fact, i do have one of those.

this is dedicated to the memory of all of my long-suffering ex-boyfriends, who put up with me playing with, tying bows in, and braiding their hair, with nary a complaint or harsh word. :)

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Sandy and Darryl Bem are both Psychology Professors at Cornell University.

The Bems, being well-versed in the area of sex roles and psychology, had decided to raise their children androgynously. This included not only the typical male-toy/female-toy aspects, but they were also very careful not to impose any of their own learned sex role socialization upon their children. For example, a frequent phrase was "the only difference between a male and female is that a male has a penis and a female has a vagina." When the parents were asked whether a person that the child could see was male or female, they would reply (even if the parents could tell which it was), "I don't know, dear, they have pants on, so we can't see if they are male or female."

One day, their son (then in Kindergarten) decided that he wanted to wear hair barrettes to school. Sandy and Darryl, of course, acquiesced and put barrettes in his hair.

That night, they got a phone call from his teacher (who knew about the Bems' rearing plan), who related the following story:

Upon arriving at school, another boy came up to their son and asked why he was wearing barrettes in his hair. Little Bem replied, "Because I felt like it." The other boy was visibly upset at this, but walked away.

A little while later, the boy comes back and says, "Why are you wearing barrettes in your hair? Only girls wear barrettes; you must be a girl." Bem, true to his upbringing, replies, "I am not a girl; I have a penis and testicles, girls have a vagina." The boy once again walks away.

During recess, the boy comes back once again, and insists that Bem is a girl because he is wearing barrettes. Once again, "The only difference between boys and girls is that boys have a penis and testicles and girls have a vagina."

The little boy exclaims, "You must be a girl; you're wearing barrettes." But Bem replies, "I'm a boy; I have a penis and testicles. Look--I'll show you!" At this point, Bem pulls down his pants to prove that he has a penis and testicles...

The boy replies, "Everybody has one of those, but only girls wear barrettes."

it's the same colour as the first sari my daddy ever bought me...

just when you thought it was safe to surf on,
it turns out i have a BRAND NEW blog.
(and baby makes THREE. :D )
go look, please.

spank you. :)

yeah, yeah, yeah...i know, i'm a month late, but STILL

a few of you know that i applied for a certain hill job today (to work for a SENIOR california dem)...and if you didn't know that, now you do. but most of you know nothing about washington or politics b/c you're all engineers, and that's the way, uh-huh uh-huh i liiiiiike it.

anyway, b/c you're so far outside the beltway you favour suspenders, y'all are always looking at me like i'm a G.D. liar whenever i discuss meager, miniscule, smaller-than-the-genitalia-of-those-who-hate-me DC salaries.

for example, the job i just applied for two hours ago pays about $25-27k, even though it's more important than the one in the excerpt below. yes, even if i have a graduate degree. yes, i'm not exaggerating for effect (who ME?). it's true, for the billionth time, you DON'T MAKE SHIT if you work in DC; no one works on the hill for the money. it's the glamour, the power, the everything BUT money. still, you have to live, and my mom never believed me when i told her that parents subsidise everyone's rent. since her disbelief = no cash, i had to be industrious. why the hell do you think i was a bartender? for the obligatory tight black tee/diesel jean uniform? the heady ego-rush of throwing indian bitches out my club? the pragmatic joy of knowing every bouncer on or around 18th street?

well, okay. maybe all of that. but it was MOSTLY b/c i was trying to pay my fucking $750/mo rent in georgetown. i was slightly bitter that all these rich twats were merrily carousing about DC, rent and allowance paid regularly, while my student loans were near default...and i often darkly wondered how the fuck everyone made ends meet. well, enter this fun little blog, which i discovered as i was playing with my "blog chalk" (the ponytail'd thing at the top right of this page):

I got a raise today!
by washingtonienne on May 14, 2004 04:32PM (EDT)

I got a raise today! Now I make $25K.

(Wasn't that what I was making before??)

Most of my living expenses are thankfully subsidized by a few generous older gentlemen. I'm sure I am not the only one who makes money on the side this way: how can anybody live on $25K/year??

If you investigated every Staff Ass on the Hill, I am sure you would find out some freaky shit. No way can anybody live on such a low salary. I am convinced that the Congressional offices are full of dealers and hos.

ha. i fucking KNEW it. now if you'll excuse me, i've got to call upon my erstwhile brown interns who are still on the hill to see if anyone knew this slag. she's hilarious. i almost like her. even if she takes it in the ass, she seems whip smart about making the world her bitch.

YASSOU ELLAS!!! France: 0 Greece: 1

"Greece sensationally knocked out defending champions France with an incredible win in their Euro 2004 quarter-final.

A powerful second-half header from Angelos Charisteas stunned France, who looked out of sorts and uninspired." ~ the beeb

wheeeeee! efkharisto Charisteas!!!!! :D take THAT you fucking frogs!!!

june 23

weight: 134
bodyfat: 22.5

kcal: :)
vasa: :)

gym: legs/adductor/abductors (yesterday= arms)

write: :)
read: Burned Alive: A Victim of the Law of Men by Souad...ALL IN ONE SITTING!

last type of cheese consumed: greek feta

i 'mell like: lavendar baby oil and dove "fresh"

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random bit of odd news at the start: THIS diary-blog is the FIRST return on MSN search for the term, "i want to have nice abs". :D i lowe it.

having typed and lowed that, wednesday was kind of an emotionally taxing day, but surely you recognised that from the last post. no, he didn't die. he just stopped being my friend and it made me cry. a lot. i'm not a heartless bitch. if you lacerate my heart, it bleeds salt.

b/c i was so upset, i left the house for a few hours per theo's brilliant suggestion, and ended up at Borders. i did something i haven't done in months, maybe years...i read an entire book in one sitting. it's linked above and it was devastating, engrossing and harrowing. honour killings are something which always made me cringe, now i'll have a voice and a pair of eyes to haunt me when i come across the term again...

this honour killing was in the middle east, but i was obviously thinking of india and pakistan as well, when i read it. :( the dehumanization of little girls and women occurs in far too many countries...we don't have a monopoly on that shit. i don't have to look within or nearby to know it's there. over and over again, i had to stop, close my eyes, and acknowledge how lucky i was, to be born to a father who wanted nothing but a girl, to treat like a princess...
.
.
.
i'm back at the gym. i've gained almost five lbs thanks to a new medication i'm on, and i'm neutral about this development. it's very disconcerting to no longer have abs and suddenly jiggle in places that previously needed victoria's secrets...i think the latter lulls me in to a complacent sort of satisfaction over the former. having breasts is fun. jiggle jiggle. and right in time for clinton's book!

so yes, went to the gym. i say this as i stare at the box of mithai from the wedding on saturday, the bag of spicier doritos that stands, top agape to my right, and the detritus of an old-fashioned glazed donut that practically made me purr (donut? fucking food emporium in midtown! grr!). ain't no point in trying to eat healthy when this family is reunited for only the 2nd time in as many years. suddenly, there's less fruit in the baskets and no more organic baby salad greens in the fridge. my sister eats CRAP and my mom obliges. sigh.

speaking of fat and eating...or not eating, rather: just read an article on the mary-kate and her anorexia. it cited some haunting, horrific statistic about FORTY PERCENT of 1st and 3rd-graders wanting to be skinnier?!
are you fucking kidding me? when i was in the first grade, my body was the LEAST of my interests. playing princess leia at recess, now THAT was an interest. ;)

i'm sleepy and i want to go to bed, but before i do, i'll leave you with some final, severe nastiness (told you it was a sucky day!); and this time it REALLY bothered me, in a far more visceral way than that bastard whom i told to provide me with cunnilingus while i'm yeasty...look what showed up on my flog today:

mike @ 2004-06-23 22:21 said:

keep drinking dot head. i sure you need to with that tool you are dating.

i wrote our resident queen-of-the-comments/"amelie freak" about this via AIM as soon as i caught it this afternoon-- she was so sweetly sympathetic, something to the degree of, "how awful that he insulted your bf!" yes mimosa, that is not very nice, indeed. however, the "tool" and i both agree that we are hardly worried about what anyone-- especially some anonymous, testicle-free motherfucker-- thinks of us...but "dothead"? now THAT furrows my brow something fierce. probably b/c i spent way too much time agitating for justice at south asian non-profits, many moons ago... :(
.
.
.
p.s. at the rate y'all are clicking, google will cut me a check for those stupid adverts in, oh, SEVEN MONTHS. come ON. surely there is SOMETHING worth clicking? no? damn. this blog is NEVER going to pay for itself!!! they lied! ;)

ode to an erstwhile shmoopie

i remember being floored when ------ linked to me on his blog; i was already half-smitten with his bad-assness and that sealed it...it was like being back in high school, and having one of the popular kids say "hi" to you in front of everyone. i reciprocated, and nursed happy memories of north beach and li'l jon impersonations that were even better than the real thing.

then ------ dropped me from his blogroll...and it hurt, but i got over it. who am i to ----- anyway? no one. a potentialy unwanted guest to be tolerated once, out of love for his best friend who wanted to include her in their plans one night. but it stung, and now i know why: it whispered that this was a commencement of a process, that more rejections would follow.

i chose not to believe such voices.

then, my number of friendsters changed...and i thought to myself, "friendster is sooo beta!" my testimonials dropped by two, and i rolled my eyes at jonathan abram's unreliable offspring.

but this singular time, it wasn't unreliable, or beta, was it?

the last time i had any contact with you i wept b/c of circumstance; i chose to open a door with another, terrified that it would close a different door with you, though you tried valiantly to assure me it wouldn't. you almost make me regret the choice i made, b/c your reaction means that i paid an unbearably steep cost for my current happiness. maybe, during that conversation that happened weeks ago, deep within, i knew the magnitude of my loss and that is why i wept until exhaustion. this time i merely cry. do tears lose their shock value if their volume isn't as impressive? if the sobs aren't so violent? i don't know. i only know this:

it's kind of heartbreaking to lose someone dear.

:(

june 21

weight: 135
bodyfat: 22.5

kcal: :)
vasa: :)

gym: shtill tooooo tiiiiiired

write: :)
read: everybody was kung-fu fighting by vijay prashad

last type of cheese consumed: buffalo mozzarella

i 'mell like: mango and mandarin, hair spray

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soooo tired.

had so many things i wanted to type, yet i have no motivation to write this evening/morning...

the day flies when your mom is off b/c your little sister is home for one of her twice-yearly visits. to all you optimistic idiots who think i'm too harsh on my mother at times, re: favouritism...you are soooo WRONG. veena is obviously and clearly the child she prefers. luckily for all pterodactyls involved, i just roll my eyes at them and go back to interacting with my laptop, which is on the kitchen table right this second. the vaio's placement provides me with front-row seats for this egregious display of parental ass-coddling, so my eyes are somewhat sore from all the circles they've moved in, but vatewer. i'm not being delusional when i type that this ridiculous pageant of preference doesn't bug me; no parent ever adored or spoiled a child the way my father indulged me, so part of me is secretly, gladly amused that veena is getting some love.

also, i am not going to complain about all manner of mallu delicacies which are being trotted out constantly b/c she's home. moms brought home stuff from india i thought was long-consumed...and suddenly, magically, it exists again, in abundance. fine with me. i can afford to gain more weight than she can. ;) i'm not the one defending our nation. :D

nine days on the right coast and two days of sleepless weddings and shopping in palo alto meant that recovery commenced last night and then greedily consumed my entire today. how did i go from working out like a champion a few months ago to needing a nap just so i could sit in a chair and surf/sip chai? truly, my pathetic-ness knows no limit.

speaking of pathetIC, this article in the NYT fairly begged for exposure and pontification. if ever there were a reason to detest the shiv sena, this is it. what kind of retard doesn't want to encourage girl-on-girl action??? and who told the moron quoted that lesbians do it in the bathroom? damnit, the bathroom is for gay men. as far as i know, my lesbian friends don't even have sex ;), so what on earth is he thinking???

now that i've offended several people (i wish), i'll cease and desist with my exploration of what is probably a tatti fil-im to begin with...i mean, the title alone..."girlfriends"? i can't type when i'm shaking my head. i shake it at the fil-im makers and also myself-- after all, i promised two sentences ago that i'd quit it already. ;)

in other news, my REAL blog has FIFTY-THOUSAND mortar-chucking hits!!! holy CRAP that's impressive. if you asked me wayyyy back in sept of '03, when, if ever i'd have that many visits...i'd have said, "in a few years?" HA, haters. i re-type, HA. 50k ain't nothin' to be fucked with :D

oh my lord, the sun is starting to rise...one stupid nap in the evening, and this is the price i pay for indulging myself so wantonly. i feel like i'm fighting off some nasty bug, or perhaps my allergies...you know, that liminal, anxious place where you're not quite sick, but you could fall that way and fall hard, any second? yeah, that's where i'm at, right about now.

i'm looking at the rarely-used front doors of this house. my two suitcases are still there, just inside of them, imploring me to unpack them. fat chance, marked-down bastards of samsonite. i'm going to BED.

oh, and before i do, i'll leave you a pic of me and my seester with the newly-wedded couple from the FIRST wedding i went to on saturday, the malayalee one...

chalk it up to ennui.

i chalked my blogs.

that's what the odd little graffiti/ponytailed-girl/tatto thing is, in the upper right corner of this page. i remember wanting to do this sometime back in september, but i didn't have typepad professional then, and thus couldn't monkey with the html...not that i *should* be touching it, after all, i don't know any html. no matter, i did monkey, and i monkey'd well. the original, very boring text-- "i like music" --has been changed to something more anna-apposite.

just thought you wouldn't like to know. i refuse to get ink on my body, but my blogs are vulnerable to all manner of tattooing. :D

on elasticity and other things freud would have a field day with...

politicaldesi: and if i were a guy in the delivery room
politicaldesi: as pol incorrect as this is, i wouldn't want to see or cut ANYTHING
politicaldesi: during a video from health class, birth looked gross to me
He whom i sweat: my bro was in the room
He whom i sweat: when serena was born
politicaldesi: yes, but i'm sooo queamish. remember the roach?
politicaldesi: also, perhaps i am abnormal and need my head checked, but i don't think it's massively glorious to have your ankles in the air and your vag stretched to accomodate something the size of a small, misshapen bowling ball. i’ll do it happily, several times, but I’m not going to delude myself and think i’m extraordinary for it…to me, it sounds like hell with heaven at the end
He whom i sweat: ya no fun

politicaldesi: and if i were a guy, i'd look at that and be like, "sex is going to SUCK now"
politicaldesi: i'd feel inadequate, as a guy. “she can fit something THAT big in there?”
politicaldesi: my dick would whimper and promptly dissolve.
politicaldesi: or so i imagine.
politicaldesi: feel free to debunk.
He whom i sweat: um, doubtful
politicaldesi: what is?
politicaldesi: the dissolving and whining of my imaginary genitalia?
He whom i sweat: all that u just said about a guy feeling inadequate
politicaldesi: i think i know my imaginary dick better than you do

He whom i sweat: if it still feels good, it still feels good
He whom i sweat: guys are physical. if it feels good going in and such it will still be fine and perform
politicaldesi: yes, but you'll know that you are a small, small little man
politicaldesi: and something way bigger could go in
politicaldesi: :-D
He whom i sweat: so
He whom i sweat: still feels good
politicaldesi: wow
He whom i sweat: girls dont get that :-)

politicaldesi: is it really that basic?
He whom i sweat: yes
politicaldesi: no wonder that kid fucked a pie.
He whom i sweat: ya
politicaldesi: you know this is going on the blog.
politicaldesi: such an epiphany must be shared with my loyal readers
politicaldesi: "boys stick their dicks in anything, as long as it feels good."
politicaldesi: meanwhile, girls overthink everything.
He whom i sweat: pretty much.

june 18

weight: 135
bodyfat: ?

kcal: :)
vasa: :)

gym: TIRED after long trip

write: :)
read:

last type of cheese consumed: ricotta, yesterday

i 'mell like: nivea and tangerines

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my sister is home :)

this has been an uber-hectic week; i extended my trip back east, arrived home about 24 hours ago, and now veena is here. we both made it a point to be around for a certain wedding in fremont, which will occur in...oh TWELVE hours. after all the hustle and bustle of DC-NYC-DE-PHILLY-DC in eight days, we have...more hustle and bustle. at least i got a day (a friday, to be pacific) to rest in between.

so.

i'm going to bed. i have to be up in six hours to put ANOTHER sari on, after i straighten my hair. and put on makeup. etc etc. go look at the flog if you're bored, at least you'll find six new pics. :) 'night

minty fresh for your jaded ass

FINALLY!

you know which sari won! let me sate you hungry-hungry-for-details-hippos by telling you it was the perfect choice; glitzy enough to look apposite amid the other finely-plumed birds, pretty enough to make the bride coo with recognition and approval. btw, this was OUR choice, for the two of you who asked/said, "shouldn't it be S's choice??"

anylay, more pictures await you here, at le flog. if you dawdle long enough, there may even be CAPTIONS. wow. now that's some telesis, there.

the right coast is GREAT, wish you were queer.

i'm in new york city, blissed out of my fucking mind...so there shall be no blogging for a few days. i did manage to flog, though...and will try to keep up with that, if possible. hope you are all excessively well... :)

june 8

weight: 129
bodyfat: 21

kcal: :)
vasa: :)

gym: after interval training and abs yesterday, rest.

write: :)
read: bibi, the magazine

last type of cheese consumed: none

i 'mell like: biosilk hair conditioner, nivea

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i am beyond wired.

i'm not hyper or jittery, just very awake. it is 3:20 am, and i have to leave the house in almost exactly two hours. i should be at the airport before 6 for a 7:10 am flight. this should not be a problem today. i feel awful for my mother, who will be getting four hours of shitty sleep tonight, b/c she's my blue van. don't leave comments suggesting that i should've availed myself of the REAL blue van-- if you are brown, you know that your parents would spew invective at such waste and insult. i know she wants to hug me good-bye.

lists were made and checked, a queen size sheet was doubled and then thrown on the family room floor.
small sheets of my hello kitty notepad arranged carefully in rows: wed night, thurs day, thurs night etc.
outfits folded and placed on each, blocked out so that i could make sure i had shoes for everything :)
i've got this shit down to a science, and i wouldn't leave anything to chance, not on a trip THIS important.

is there any point in laying down now?

who knows.

i'm staring at my lone pair of seven jeans, a shirt and really cute knickers that have "hottie" embroidered above my left thigh. "accident" underwear, my friend calls it...the kind of frill you want to be caught in if they're cutting your clothes off at a hospital or in an ambulance. there is a tinge of the macabre to my thoughts, if i'm plotting what pretty knickers i should wear in case of disaster; i'm not afraid of flying but this time i almost am...

gold stiletto sandals. two slender straps that will cross my polished feet. they will be an interesting footwear choice with the jeans et al, but i'm a pragmatist right now...the other sandals all have buckles, and will annoy the shit out of me and everyone behind me in line when i'm asked to remove them for security. it's all laid out, all plotted, all ready to go.

am i ready to go?

i don't know. i guess. i feel curiously empty, but that probably has to do with massive disassociative proclivities right about now. my nerves have yipped like a high-strung chihuahua for most of the evening, it's like the lap-rat finally lost its voice, either that or my nerves overloaded and blew up. part of it has to do with how LONG tomorrow/this day is about to be; i leave, only to turn up at an airport 100 miles away. then i sit for over three hours and THEN i get on my real flight from CA to the right coast. i don't mind being sleepless now, it will help me pass out at noon. i really don't want to be awake for 5.5 horrid hours. gah.

by the time i retrieve my trusty checked samsonite (which is making its tenth trip across the country today), it will be late. my sari is coming with me on the plane b/c my mom reminded me that i've had atrocious luck these last two years w/lost luggage. the back-up outfit may get sacrificed, but not THIS priceless bit of worm spooge, oh no. it is new, and it is dear and it is gorge. so. one sundress, one sari, one metrosexual stuffed monkey from BABW in sf to abuse as a pillow. a copy of anna karenina. all my medicines. a pashmina b/c OCD me cannot bear to imagine where airplane blankies have been (*shudder*). my moleskine, my jewelry...these are the things a good, paranoid girl packs in her carry-on bag. all that, plus extra knickers.

am i on a knicker kick? sadly, boo-boo...yes. half-a dozen new pairs in as many days, each cuter than the last. i remember when my sister and i were younger and giggled more. "look how cute my knickers are!" we'd squeal as we flashed. the only person who gets such treatment these days is eileen perfume. and she always indulgently says, "yes. they are adorable." this is when we aren't inspecting the areas of our inner thighs which are visible underneath our mini-skirts in front of the wall-sized mirror. both of us eat ridiculously well and work out extensively. both of us mutter darkly about how we should've dressed like whores when we were uber-conservative connecticut-prisses in high school. "my body at 16 was WASTED on me." seriously.

before a few of you dig out the lotion and kleenex or apple pies or whatever your perversion is, you should know that the aforementioned antics take up about 5% of our time. we spend the rest talking about men, makeup and mercedes. sorry. cease and desist with your hands-on reactions, then.

anyway. i digress. i'm starting to feel tired (perhaps diary has conditioned me to) and i might just lie down for an hour.

i'll be back on tuesday night...we'll see how lovely the wi-fi is at my various locations. if it's adequate, i'll try and blog through. if it's not, then click the damned ads already. another $75 and google will cut me a fucking check. yay. be good and leave comments, i'll still be receiving them somehow. :) i'll miss you. bye...

may his memory be eternal

A very tragic end to an already sad story...

Missing grad's body found near Des Plaines
Associated Press
Posted 6/7/2004

Authorities say a recent graduate of the University of Illinois at Champaign-Urbana was found shot to death Sunday night in a forest preserve near Des Plaines.

Vihang Patel, 22, had been missing for three days when his body was found. Patel had last been seen Thursday morning when he got on a Chicago Transit Authority rapid transit train in Rosemont. He was heading to the Indian Consulate in Chicago to apply for a student visa. Family members said he had planned to participate in a two-year study program in India.

june 6

weight: 127
bodyfat: 21

kcal: :)
vasa: :)

gym: all TEN. no abs.

write: :)
read: babyville.

last type of cheese consumed: feta

i 'mell like: lavendar and blueberry lipgloss

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ach. i'm so not inspired to write. for one thing, i'm exhausted after a very brutal hour at the gym. for another, i'm just tired in other ways. i got an unexpected email from someone "difficult" today and that sucked my toxic tolerance RIGHT out, just in time to prep me for a grueling phone call with an ex-.

sigh.

still, i'm thankful that "mystery friend" reached out. it's a start. suddenly, my emotional rollercoaster is spiked with NoS...network television is inundating me with pictures of the burning world trade center, jet fuel-created flames billowing out, searing the lungs of whatever few survivors are left. there are details that i have forgotten; it was a *cool* september morning, the sky was *that* blue, i initially thought that only one tower would fall...i want to crawl under my down comforter and just breathe. the beloved, cherished, long-awaited-for center of my universe was sipping coffee at starbucks underneath that elevated cemetary, his life about to change forever, more than most of ours did.

does it make any sense to get upset over something that happened three years ago? when i didn't even know him? should my skin prickle this quickly? should breath rush out of my lips? do i have a right to this horror which surrounds me like hissing snakes winding their way around my shivering body...?

yes.

b/c i almost lost him, before i had him. b/c life is that fleeting. b/c as we like to remark to each other on AIM...the circumstances which governed our lives were so unpredictable, the connections that bind us so tenuous...that it's a miracle we discovered the other, at all.

perhaps this is love: to own someone else's past as if you were actually there, suffering with them...to worry about them, the way parents naturally fret for their children...to weep inwardly at the struggles they existed through, to get to now, this, you. to want to snatch them away from the rest of the world, and hold them so tightly that every cell in your body is exclaiming in unison, "thank G-d you are here, and you are okay, b/c you are so, so very loved." to beseech G-d on a daily basis for the only petitions that ever mattered to you in church; for all things good and profitable for his soul...for a faithful guide, a guardian of his soul and body...and that he may live out the remainder of his life, in peace, free of danger, wrath, distress.

i don't love myself enough to go to church properly, but for this...? now i understand why people my age traditionally flake on religion, but come rushing back to it once they squirt out a reproductive success; to hell with you (lit. and fig.), this human that you love more than any other needs all the spiritual guidance and protection one can possibly sign up for...and it's a big cycle isn't it? i implore G-d for him, my mom's entreaties are spun around me. we're all okay, if someone religious loves us...that's what this documentary is about.

the man who was chief counsel at cantor fitzgerald, was one of the most severe burn victims to survive...and survive he did b/c once his wife was handed his salvaged wedding band-- a nurse hastily rescued it before they cut it off-- she grasped that potent totem next to her heart until it was threaded through a necklace that would keep it there for as long as she needed. through her faith-laced love (or is it vice versa?), she willed him back to life, plain and simple. THAT'S what love is, to me, THAT'S what marriage is, too. that faith, devotion and strength. the innate decision to never give up, to never say good-bye, to love another so consummately...to know that even in the midst of heart-breaking tragedies that threaten to steal away half of your soul, there is an unbreakable core of light within, one that will sustain you and act as a lighthouse for others. now, at 3am, i am reminded of where the light comes from...suddenly, two decades of mandatory church services seem genius. "Arise, go your way: your Faith has Made you whole." indeed.

i hope this has a happy ending

MISSING PERSON: Vihang Patel


Message: http://vihang.double-ts.com/

Vihang Patel has been missing since Thursday, June 3rd.

Please, please keep your eyes and ears open. Vihang was en route from Des Plaines, IL (corner of Prospect + Manheim Ave.) to downtown Chicago. He was to take the CTA Blue Line from Rosemont into
the city. If you have any information whatsoever on his whereabouts or think you may have seen him, please contact below IMMEDIATELY.

Please Call:

847.824.2216
708.268.5501
847.391.5435 (Detective Dalcerro, Des Plaines Police Department)

For more information:
http://vihang.double-ts.com/

Here is a flier:
http://vihang.double-ts.com/vihang_missing.pdf

yes but, my heart will go on.

creed is dead. how ever will we all cope? who will sing us anthems of inspirational fecal matter? and what lead singer will annoy me as much? weep minnows, weep. ;)

never was a grammy more wasted, never were seventeen weeks more incredulously existed through by me, as i beseeched G-d in heaven, "how is HIGHER the 'most played rock song' on the radio??? have you been replaced by Satan? or was martin gore right, and do you indeed have a SICK SENSE OF HUMOUR???" ah, it's safe to turn on the tuner again. ;)

amuse thyselves, minnows

more pics here, if you are so inclined. or reclined. or you may decline. vatewer. ;)

june 3

it's june 3.

i weigh 127 lbs.

i didn't go to the gym but i did walk my dog for 2 mindful miles.

i smell like Demeter's Ginger Ale.

and this post is over, b/c i've had it w/my on-its-last-legs Vaio, for crashing twice, for destroying my diary post so viciously, for making me stay up longer than i really could or should. sigh. i spent the DAY offline, and i wanted to tell you all about my little adventures getting a new social security card and...and...about South Beach progress...and this cool new thing that's DEF going in my purse...sigh. i had a rant about bridesmaids and...and...oh well, whatever. nevermind.

good night. :(

june 2

weight: 128
bodyfat: 21

kcal: :)
vasa: :)

gym: lats. deltoids.

write: :)
read: Vogue.

last type of cheese consumed: string.

i 'mell like: lavendar, spearmint + eucalyptus

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OMG! OMG!! OMG!!!

GUESS what i got in the mail today! GUESS?!?

i'll just TELL you...the Pixies LIVE via one very adored SAS. i almost didn't get this starck-little package of indie rock love. know why? it was misdelivered (newman!), and my NEIGHBOUR snatched it accidentally, thinking "Anna" said "Audrey". whatever. once Audrey came home, an envelope was walked over with apologies, and then all that starck-whiteness was destroyed as i greedily shredded the wrapping to the best present i've gotten in a while. ahhhh i LOVE getting music in the mail from brown men with hot taste. it's GOOD to be ME. :D :D :D

SAS? you slay me.

*swoon* ;)

may 31

weight: 129
bodyfat: 21

kcal: :)
vasa: :)

gym: REST (did quads/hams/calves last night)

write: :)
read: in full bloom ...i LOVE it!

last type of cheese consumed: herbed chevre

i 'mell like: lavendar, baby oil, white musk...everything a 12-year old loves.

i'm going to try and conquer the invading insomnia before it establishes a camp here...i took a sleeper. just a baby one. cut it in half, even. it's working beautifully...i'm drowsy right now. i just want to be better about writing my diary, and i don't want to lose track of work-outs. i went three times last week (go me!) and i started this week off properly by going last night. oooh, tomorrow's the kickboxing class i love. now i'm excited. :)

ranju's apparently reading and wondering how to get oneself fired up enough to go daily. hmmm. why DO i go to the gym...let us count the whys:

1) i am consumed with the potential for cheese to form on my ass. i will fight that shit 'til the BITTER end
2) it makes me a much sunnier person. call it a natural anti-depressant and call it a day
3) it means i look better in all this nanga-summer-fashion
4) i feel and therefore eat healthier...no doritos if i'm putting this kind of effort in at the gym
5) my bf always wished for a brown sorority girl with calves. may it always be so easy to grant his wishes

those reasons may not work for ranj, since she has an uber-cuddly ro, and tons of cheap, yummy restaurants all over chicago...but they do work for me. and they are helping me stay focused on this, my ?SECOND year of being a gym rat. ranj works out at bally's...i could never do what i'm doing here, there. bally's DC was in a grunged-out basement...it was horrible and dank and there was no parking at all. it SUCKED. i picked a gym that is less than an eighth-of-a-mile from my house. that way there'd be no excuses...i have to pass it before every right turn into my neighbourhood. also? it has several HUNDRED FREE parking spaces. so i thought about what stopped me before, and made sure i tackled those obstacles first. i found a gym that is sunny and shiny and happy. a place i'd LIKE to be at. and i found a goal. last year, my goal was NOT to humiliate myself at soccer. good goal. (no pun intended)

anyway, i could babble incoherently further but i'm so high right now, i'm fairly sure that the english language wants its letters back from this dopey word-abuser. so we'll end things right here. i hope you all had lovely memorial day weekends-- what did YOU do? i fought w/a narrow-minded carnivore. you can tell me about YOUR antics via comments, in fact, i implore you to do so. :)