sleep well, heather, and come home soon.

my mindfulness workbook reminds me that no matter how broken your heart or spirit, others are suffering more:

I wish that I could tell you that the reason you won’t be hearing anything from me in the next several days is because we’re right on the verge of launching the redesign...It’s also not because Leta is really cute in her caterpillar pajamas. Or that her face smells really good.

The reason you won’t be hearing anything from me for several days is because this morning Jon is driving me up to the hospital and I’m going to check into the psychiatric ward. I am very scared that if I don’t go ahead and do this that I may experience some sort of nervous breakdown.

My anxiety has only gotten worse since I started psychiatric and medical treatment over two months ago. It’s so bad that it chokes me every day, and sometimes I can’t even walk I’m so anxious. I’ve tried over 10 different medications and each one has made my anxiety worse. The depression comes and goes, but the anxiety is constant. I can barely eat anything and I still can’t sleep, even though I’ve tried every sleeping pill available at the pharmacy. It’s seriously out of control.

Over the weekend I started a new round of medication for a new diagnosis, one that I don’t want to talk about yet because it will be such a loaded discussion, and that medication has caused all sorts of problems. I have to get all this shit figured out or I really think I’ll hurt myself. I can’t believe that I don’t feel better. I can’t believe that it’s been two months and I DON‘T FEEL ANY BETTER.

I have to believe that going to the hospital is at least going to let me clear my head, or that it may actually provide an answer. I have to believe in something right now because I don’t feel like I have any hope. This anxiety is so painful, and I don’t see an end to it.