A N N A J O H N ' S D I A R Y

january 30

EFA:   yes
GYM: uh, bronchitis

WHAT I WORE:  pyjamas
I 'MELL LIKE:  antibiotics.  yum!  :p

NOW LISTENING TO:  bis
NOW READING:  the JANE mag w/paris on the cover

CURSED:  yeah
TT M/V?: yeah.  m.

LAST THING GOOGLED:  bronchitis/walking pneumonia

:+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::

uh, yeah. i'm still sick, if not sicker.  started taking noxious antibiotics today;  it hurts to breathe, my cough makes children and other small mammals run away from me shrieking...and i'm exhausted.  eight hours of sleep seems paltry to feeble me.

still, i'm kind of looking forward to work, and that says something kinda huge, doesn't it?  :) 

p.s.  there's a new fotolog with pix of my cousins, but i'm too tired to link to it.  :p

p.p.s.  am TOTALLY addicted to playing blogshares.  is there a patch or a 12-step group for that??

i demand that you subscribe to him via bloglines, at once! you will? awww, thanks!

oh, SNAP.

sjm is blogging again!

well.  if you thought i was mean...i'm a purring kitten compared to this "simian".  :D

p.s.  you may ask the lovely Ranjana why that word is in quotes, btw ;)

january 24

note to self: no posting to fotolog guestbooks when emotional.  if you do this, A N N A, people will just treat you like the freak you are. 

the stupidest aspect of this is, the whole REASON i was looking at this particular fotolog was to get my mind off something that i got in the mail.  i received a very special package today which made me choke up.  it's nothing serious, so please don't feel the need to be alarmed, it was just something i wasn't expecting to see, that had to do with family.  i was surprised by the sorrow i felt when reading.  i now know that i saw everything through that filter.

i wish there was a delete button on fotolog, for the comments that *i* leave when i'm out of my head.  how 'bout THAT for a gold camera feature?  i pay to undo the potential damage i've wrought.

i didn't realise how sad and lonely i felt until i saw my words in her comment box reflecting those emotions back at me.  something mundane that she described made me come undone.

upon reflection, i should've expected that what i was reading would affect me profoundly.  she was discussing a milestone that i don't know that i'll reach. 

i never believed people when they said that writing helps them clarify or understand things, but it's true.  writing this post deciphered the emotional code that couldn't be cracked.  i'm exhausted and falling asleep as i type this, but i'm grateful that i stuck with it.  an hour ago, i was furiously folding clothes, spiraling down a path of self-conscious loathing, feeling stupid and exposed.

at least now i'll sleep.

the alternative (parsing the potential meanings of words and punctuation) is neither something i can afford nor bear.

sigh.  i can't wait to go back to work tomorrow...twee and snow, twee and snow.

AOL IM From PhilliesPrettiest: Ummmmmaahhh! :) [via mobile]

Dearest little nik,

OOOMA right back atcha.  I hope 26 is your best year yet. 

Love,

Annachy  :) 

p.s. you may wish her a happy birthday HERE.

peace+bliss is

...listening to twee,

whilst feathery snow

glides by my window.  :)

such a homely girl

hot on the heels of last sunday's culinary brilliance, i decided to experiment again.  you're all well aware of my costco fixation, and many of you have admitted that you are perplexed regarding how one person can shop so frequently at a warehouse store meant for mormon families and small businesses.  you wonder what on earth i buy there.  well.  i inevitably reply that i use costco the way normal, sensible people use bodegas or grocery stores, i.e. for milk, bread, baby spinach...40-ct packages of dinner rolls.  ;) 

i also buy bananas when i'm there, b/c three pounds of them for a whopping $0.99 makes me feel healthy, virtuous and potassium-rich.  the problem is, i only eat perfect, pretty bananas.  in fact, i like my bananas best when they're unblemished, with that green sheen to them, like when they're barely ripe.  b/c of this stupid, unavoidable pickiness, i tend to enjoy all of two bananas before they turn inedible.  my roomie valiantly tried to eat the other eight, as banana-peel-spots multiplied faster than horny rabbits, but we were still left with three, sad, dodgy-looking, pornographically-shaped fruits. 

and then it hit me.  what is the ONE thing nasty bananas are good for?

let's go ice skating

hell just froze over-- not only am i listening to led zeppelin willingly in the car these days...

i...found...a...PHISH song...i...ahem...*like*.

*thud* <---- me fainting.

Dear clueless Asshat,

"Gosh, between Canadians complimenting you without following protocol and guys blessing you and offering condolences for your loss, I'm wondering where you get the courage to continue this blog in the face of so much crap. I can't imagine what your real life is like, you must have to wear a veil over your face like a princess or some kind of moviestar"

Blogs are  sort of like reality shows, and bloggers are the stars.  I hate "Survivor", so I've never watched an entire episode.  (There's a clue in that last sentence...I'm sincerely hoping you have a once-in-a-lifetime episode of proper brain functioning, and you get it...but I'm not holding my precious breath.)

I have the right to complain about anything I damned well please when it's ON MY DIME.  I especially have the right to complain about stupid shit, like people who can't grasp that Indian women born and raised in Amreeka wear saris, too. 

I look good to his western eyes?  The mere qualification of his ocular devices as "western" implies that I'm somehow not.  He's incorrect.  I get to point that, out.  Amazing, no?

As for people wishing me well, offering condolences over the loss of my father etc...I'm humbled and gratified by such kindness.  When they abruptly change their tone and astound me with their sordid intentions, I'm well within my rights to call them out on it.  My two greatest pet peeves are stupidity and hypocrisy.  People who have sent me countless emails and messages exhorting me to read the good book should NOT ask if I'm the girl on a XXX site. 

I'll close by reminding you that Shakespeare thought that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.  That explains why stupid, horrid, whiny me abuses and over-uses it as a technique, but what's your excuse?  I mean, for you to judge me, you must be as pristine as Jesus himself.  You wouldn't attack me by throwing stones at my glass "palace" unless you are better than me, right?

Hope that clarifies things, wormtongue.

Sincerely,

A N N A

p.s.  Just in case you're still confused:                              

                                             

are all religious freaks perverts?

i think my "brother" wants to wank to me.

this guy, "sanoj", has been posting comments for a few months now-- most of them overtly religious, all of them seemingly harmless.   i think he once went to WIMP and asked why i don't carry a bible in my purse, or something to that affect.  :)  rather than "sanoj", he used to sign off with, "your brother" or "someone_who_loves_you_dearly".

at first he kind of weirded me out-- i'm orthodox, and we aren't "in your face" about our religion--that is something i'm grateful for and proud of, btw.  anyway, to have all this, "annadear, turn to God dear, God will replace your father, pray dear" stuff slung at me was slightly strange, as i think it would be for anyone.

still, i thought i had this guy pegged.  i thought he was an earnest zealot who possibly wanted to save my soul, yadda yadda yadda.  the LAST thing i expected was to see him sign a "fake" email with "anna@cu^t.'

{   this would be a good moment to say that i think fake email addresses are practically an artform.  they delight and amuse me endlessly,  so yes, i pay close attention to them.   all of you "me@anna.com"s or "none@idontgiveitout.org"s...i see you, baby... ;)  }

back to the perwert at...um...hand. 

well, well, well.  the zealot is fanatic about more than just G-d, it seems.

to answer the question that doesn't merit a reply, no, sanoj.  i am not some 'hardcoreindiangirls' staffer, and no, i am not going to that site to see what you're talking about.  i don't like to look at filth.   like aus-ome candy-blogger "P.X.", i'm even thinking of banning your IP addy...  ;)

you are very annoying to read, with my western eyes

i love being needlessly and incorrectly exoticized,especially by someone clueless who uses that horridly slimy "a/s/l" protocol. blech. any joy i'd feel over the kind compliment is eviscerated by this perception that i'm not who i am.  blue-eyed canadians (via his email addy) don't have a monopoly on "western" anything, except a terrible pronunciation of the word "about".

anyway, do you know that i've never a/s/l 'd anyone?

so why on earth do they a/s/l me?

ick.

:+:

subject: yr fotolog pics .
___________________

you are very beautiful to look at with my western eyes!

jeff 24m toronto canada

wahhh wahhhh...call a wambulance, stat!

wait, wait...*i'm* the one living in some weird alternate reality?
i'm glad we finally know what my problem is-- i'm developing a...wait for it, wait for it...

OBSESSION. :p

at this point, i'm expecting this kid (he's all of 23) to mount "hostile takeovers" on all of my blogs on blogshare, b/c that's the level of maturity this interaction has decayed to...if he does, so be it. though i love the game and find it fun, i don't need to deal with:

excessively hyper-sensitive (lo, coming from ME that says SOMETHING)

conceited (like i'd crush on a baby who bans people who DON'T flame)

deluded (he knows "my kind"? how awful for all of us. he knows his ass.)

insulting (as you'll read, my needs pale significantly to his)

arrogant (just b/c i call you out, doesn't mean i'm one of those plushy NYers)

idiot armchair psychologists who think they've got me figured out.

thanks for igniting my muse, crybaby...my readers love new content when they're at work.  :)  i am also grateful for this massively entertaining break from coding.

oh, and no worries about future messaging LITTLE boy; unless you send me more lame emails, i won't acknowledge your piddling existence again. as hova once said, "poof! vamoose son of a..."

:+:

FROM:  P.X. Project
TO:        Suitablegirl

1) You left a mean comment. You deserved a mean response. Do you know me? No. So keep the dissections to the relevant posts.

2) I would appreciate it if you didn\'t message me, and got over this obsession you\'re developing.

3) My writing has little to do with you. We live in different worlds, and even in virtuality, and never the twain shall meet. I have little respect for your kind, and with good reason. It shouldn\'t bother you as much as it does. You can\'t make the whole world love you.

4) How does an anti-American sentiment come into the picture here? You\'re on drugs, or live in some weird alternative reality. Or, your comprehension of English and its nuances is very different from that of the ordinary man, since you\'re an extraordinary woman, in your own view.

In my post, I didn\'t target ABCDs - I categorically hinted at a particular variety of NRIs. Touche`? Yes, without a doubt. Look at riled up you. Shame. Woe.

BTW, its an IP ban. Not a death sentence or a character judgment. What do you do when someone trolls your space or flames you?

I frequently ignore people I don\'t get along with, rather than getting all riled up and slaughtering them, or starting another never-ending war. Ignore me, as I ignore you.

Finally, I repeat, don\'t message me again. Threats lead to legal action. Let your friend with the Napoleon complex know that. Good riddance, to me, and to you.

May you have peace, but only if you keep away from me.

can't we all just get along?

re: your post on "call girls" (ha) what an interesting perspective you have. :) totally bollocks IMO but interesting, nonetheless. i guess we all try hard to be...different, unique, contrary. i love pranks. unfortunately, what power99 did was not a prank. i agree with some of the other points you made, but consummately disagree with your take on the "Radio Jockey" scandal. i'm sincere when i write that i'm envious of your teflon heart...that's what it must be coated with if the recording didn't hurt you. it did hurt us, and that's why we stood up to it. NRI or not, when i walk down the street, no one EVER assumes that i was born here in amreeka. to them i'm just another foreign, filthy, rat-eating bitch from hindu land. you can call me NRI until you're bluer than krishna, but to the majority of my countrymen, the distinction between NRI and Indian doesn't exist. i haven't read the rest of your blog, so i don't know how reasonable you are but i know most people (especially blogg A N N A | Email | Homepage | 01.16.05 - 10:37 pm | #

Anna, 'bollocks' isn't really an American word. That confused? And upset over my Blogshares pranks? Ouch. Incidentally, its not always about you - so stop pissing on my territory. Go write a post about me, and a few pseudo-intellectual suckers might applaud your internet bravado. p.x. | Homepage | 01.17.05 - 1:06 pm | #

---

BLOGSHARES
VIEW MESSAGES

TO:  P.X. Project

FROM:  suitable girl

Date  19:23 17 Jan 2005

i have no clue what the hell you're going on about in the comments section of your blog-- i didn't say anything about what you do here at blogshares. i have no issue with that-- your takeovers, artefacts and whatnot.

i pity you, that you can't deal with someone who differs with your opinion. i didn't insult you, i didn't use profanity, i was not inappropriate. you called me "confused"...b/c that's apparently the gold standard of insults against american citizens of south asian descent. wow. scared of you.

you actually wrote a *whole post* about a hierarchy of comment-leavers? i affected you that much? are you sure it's "not always about me"? b/c i didn't think it was until i read THAT. i always thought of myself as more of an "A" comment-leaver vs. a "C", FWIW, not that you're balanced or rational enough to consider that.

it seems like you are one of those inscrutable people who has something against me, (or another mutineer?) or america or...whatever. it's not worth my time to conject what you dislike so much. i know that i don't deserve your wrath, your derision or...your...phudi* decision to ban my IP.

i wanted a dialogue, not a temper tantrum.

peace.

:+:

*phudi:  (noun)  rude urdu word for a woman's reproductive orifice.  see:  pussy.

my readers can handle a 404, i know it for a fact

Turbanhead: my site has been taken down from the traffic

A N N A : that sucks!

Turbanhead: i’m creating a special 404 page (with links to the Power99 MP3)

A N N A : nice

…Turbanhead: feh - i need to figure out how to reroute all requests to that new error page…if someone directly links to the post's link - they don’t get that custom 404 message

A N N A : ohhhh

A N N A : hmm.  well, whenever i get that page, and it gives me an error/tells me to go to the site’s home page, i always do

A N N A : and if people just do THAT in this case, they’ll see the cool 404...

Turbanhead: yeah - most people aren’t that "savvy” ;-)

thank you tim, you have *no idea* how much i needed that

Hey Anna,

About a year or so ago I was out of the loop on the whole blog thing.  A friend of mine who was interested in being on Apprentice 2 sent along a link to your fotolog about your take on the tryouts.  That day introduced me to this brand new world of blogging. 

After checking out your blog and fotolog on a somewhat frequent basis, initially because i thought you were hot but over time I was checking it out because I enjoyed your writing style, i thought about doing the blog thing too.  So in July I started Tim's Take (http://timztake.blogspot.com).  Its mostly me trying to be funny, as I talk about pop culture and my life in general. 

Lately its been more about my recent move from Boston to LA and the transitional period I am experiencing.  Anyways I added a link to your blog some time ago and let my readers know that I dug your site.  So I just thought I would let you know that, and thought I would pass along my blog for you to check at your leisure.  Enjoy!

Thanks,

Tim

:+:

me?  little ole ME?  inspired YOU?  yowza.  :)

so much for giving up cursing for new year's

clueless, inflexible, anonymous comment-leavers who pose as tongue-sticking-out emoticons may all go fuck themselves with medical waste.

it's not good enough when someone's trying to work for justice and do the right thing, is it?  you may be anonymous but the way you hate unnecessarily has brown written all over it. 

contrary to what you might think, anony-pussy, we don't sit, glued to the movable type interface all damned day...we've got lives just like you...don't.

the words between the teddy bear and the chocolates

On my fridge, right now, from this bit of wonderful :

Dearest Anna-akka,

Wishing you much peace, happiness, and "swooooning" bliss!

Happy Birthday.

Love always,

LS

january 10

i had to leave work early today, because i'm sick.  bleagh.  i'm going to bed, which is where i've spent most of the afternoon and evening.  mmm, bed.  yummy.

it's not all terrible, though.

even as i punctuated that first sentence, i realised that i'm grateful. 

i'm thrilled that i can write words like, "i have a job".  i'm thrilled that i like what i do enough to think i'm missing out on something by being sick.  so, i may feel like i've been hit by a truck, but that doesn't affect the level of appreciation i'm basking in at this moment, and that is a very good thing. 

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

right.  off to bed before i short-circuit the laptop with drool.

january 6

NEW POSTS:  sepia mutiny, herstory

EFA:   no
GYM: no

WHAT I WORE:  black cashmere crew, calvin klein cargo pants
I 'MELL LIKE:  spearmint, eucalyptus, blistex

NOW LISTENING TO:  modest mouse
NOW READING:  i work now.

CURSED:  no.
TT M/V?: no.

LAST THING GOOGLED:  dotbusters for SM post :(

::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+

new

fotolog

with

pictures

from my

new year's eve

in

DC,

here.

yes, MonsterMash. it's another test.

SM/other sites:

EFA:
GYM:

WHAT I WORE
I 'MELL LIKE:

NOW LISTENING TO:
NOW READING:

CURSED:
TT M/V?:

LAST THING GOOGLED:

::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+

testing

this is a test post.

I feel Lucky

I can't type much, b/c I'm writing this on my mobile phone at lunch, but I just wanted to say THANK YOU to *all* of you.

I'm amazed.

Touched.

Thrilled to know --or not "know" as the case may be-- people like you.

Yesterday, I told someone that, "it doesn't feel like my birthday…"
There are several reasons for this absence of excitement regarding a relatively major milestone: it falls on a Tuesday, no party has been planned yet, the major players in my life went all ghetto and "combined" my bday gifts with my Christmas one… ; )

Part of the reason I "wasn't feeling it" was actually something excessively good; yesterday was my first day at my new job after 12.5 months of a writing sabbatical…and I was just consumed with the shock and dissonance my day kept handing to me.

This is the most prestigious company I've ever worked for; this job is unlike anything I've ever done—and that is ALL I have or ever will have to say about my work situation. It's only natural that my focus would be on the newness and exhilaration one would feel in such a circumstance. It's not surprising that turning "30" would take a backseat to it all.

Anyway.

I feel lovely right now. I feel loved. If this is 30, then yes, please. May I have some more?

honeychile, you are sho shweeeeet

pretty julie: hi anna! happy new year! i hope this year brings you almost all your hopes, wishes, dreams desires (with just enough unfulfilled to keep you as motivated as ever). i saw a birthday cake thing on your friendster pic that said your bday was today...there's apparently a lot of ppl whose birthdays are this week but for some reason it's all showing as a 1/1 birthday...so im not sure when the actual splendid day is, but regardless, i hope you have a WONDERFUL, PEACEFUL & HARMONIOUS (you of all people deserve that!) birthday surrounded by all those near and dear to your heart (if not by their physical presence, at least by their spirit and love for you)

Auto response from politicaldesi:
a wery merry and unhairy 2005 to you all

january 2

THREE new Sepia Mutinies:

• it's possible; there is good news about the tsunami
• this one is a little more tech-y
• and finally, a post that's sort of funny.

they're all in a row, so you can read them all at once, oh-people-who-whine-that-my-posts-on-SM-are-too-hard-to-read/find.

anyway.

this time of year is never pleasant for me, and that's partially why i've been away.  i always feel so conflicted when i start to enjoy the holiday, b/c then i remember what happened six years ago and the grief washes over me anew.  i know, i know.  he'd want me to be happy.  makes no difference.  i still burn.

:+:

they extended the deadline for voting in the Asia Blog Awards.  i have no clue why they've chosen to arbitrarily do so, and thus end it on my birthday.  anyway, if you are a kind, loving person with an index finger o' gold, click here and vote for me today and tomorrow (jan 4th is the last day).  you can vote once daily.  and make sure you vote for Sin while you're at it.  he's such a better blogger than me.

i would've had this licked last week if i had been 'mart enough to think of putting the voting link in my AIM profile; ever since i did that two days ago, my numbers have improved dramatically.  oy, me addled brain, and the things she doesn't do.

:+:

tomorrow, january 3, 2004, is the start of something hu-uge.  so huge i'm too superstitious to write about it.  just keep me in your prayers like you seem to have been doing, pretty please?  you are all glittery, magical, fantastic people.  i feel the love.  it lifted me up and bore me along to the aforementioned milestone/date.  oh, i'll tell you all what i'm blathering about soon, i PROMISE.

:+:

proving my theory that nothing ever goes perfectly, i now have a cold.  just a wee one.  more of a sore throat, leaden-body thing.  took nighttime, makes-you-drowsy-so-you-sleep Comtrex at around 8pm, four hours ago.  hasn't done a damn thing wrt inducing ZZZZZs.  sigh.  it's always something, innit?  i have this amazing throat-cote tea and more pills for the day.  i'll be fine.  make sure you are too, please minnows?