may 3, poopy-coloured, b/c i sorta feel like crap

i don't want to come back to dc tonight on the red-eye.  :(

as much as i have fun with my esteemed legal counsel and...hmmm.  geez, do i really only have ONE friend who lives within 10 minutes of me?  no wonder i don't want to leave. 

my room was redone in my absence, and it's awesome.  i WANT to spend time sleeping in it.  my dog won't be around forever-- her age is showing so dramatically, i am actively courting denial as a coping mechanism for the fact that she has two years left, tops.  the kitchen was renovated WHILE i was here, so i feel a bit cheated...now that it's gorgeous and porcelain-y with the most unique granite i've ever seen...i get to not eat in it, b/c i'm leaving the day the floor is safe to walk on.  whine whine whine. 

i knew i missed my mom, i've written about it from time to time, but i didn't realise i missed her this much.  suddenly i'm paranoid and fretful about her health.  i think seeing my dog's decline reminds me that the two are now almost the same age (55 and 60, respectively) and i find myself darkly wondering how many years i have left with my remaining parent.  i went to costco with her, put the 50lb dog food  bag (again-- for MY DOG, which i left with her) and the ridicu-heavy case of water in her cart...and i incredulously asked her, "what do you do when i'm not here??"  you see, her back is SHOT.  "um, i flutter eyelashes?"  she smiled gamely at me.

"does that work for you?" 

"sure...but the real problem is when i get to the parking lot and later, when i get home.  no eyelashes can help me then.  it's okay.  i try not to do it to often...i just make sure i have plenty of motrin handy."

gawd, the amount of guilt that is flooding my system.

every other week, when she makes her costco run, she opens the case of crystal geyser in the car, moving four or five bottles at a time until all the bottles are in the house.  as for the dog food, she heaves it out of my civic's trunk and then drags it in the garage, praying earnestly that the bag won't break.

yeah.  i am now officially the WORST DAUGHTER IN THE FUCKING WORLD.

the coasts are too far apart.  it's that simple.  it was one thing when i lived in SF...i was only 90 minutes away (75 mins, the way i drive).  i came home on the weekends.  now, i come home every eight months.  when i consider that if i'm lucky, i'll fly  home twice this year, my mind is blown.  where does the time go?  it's already may of 2005.  the next time i'm back here, the year will already be waning.  i feel like life is careening recklessly through the extreme left lane, while i desperately wish that it were going slower.  my days in DC are a haze of work, gym, blog.  mondays suddenly become fridays.  weeks dissolve quickly into months and suddenly it's been the better part of a year since i last hugged my aunt and uncle in person, since i annoyed my dog or my mom.

do kids who aren't asian/jewish/ethnic even think like this?  gah.

i didn't mean to sound so negative, i promise you that.  i'm not unhappy by any stretch.  my time here has been so blissed out...meeting brimful at my most beloved caffe EVER nearly made me swoon with joy.  seeing LS for the first time since august of last year compounded that.  meeting my "newest friendster" turned into one of the most unexpectedly magical nights i've had in forever.  i'm about to drive to eileen perfume's office in pleasant hill, for lunch with my longest-serving best friend.  it's paradoxical, precisely b/c i've had such an extraordinary time, i'm anxious and despondent.  this makes me self-loathe just a wee bit, b/c i'm like, "can't i EVER be happy w/what the universe kindly gives undeserving me?" 

omg, i need a xanax.  or a martini.  or both.  paging karen walker, i wanna be sedated.  :{

Comments

[deepa]

GF, you are singing my song. Why can't I have item X in location Y? Why is dream job/school/lovah etc. not in dream location? WHY? WHY? WHY? And it's entirely fair to ride that rollercoaster.

My serenest moments are when I realise that I'm exactly where I need to be at this particular second. Breathe in. Breathe out.

It's that Zen lesson AGAIN - it's already broken. We appreciate things most when we understand and accept that they won't always be a part of our lives. This realization may cause panic and alarm at first, but with time and greater acceptance comes true love and appreciation.

-D

[brimful]

uno- You are too sweet.

dos- Because you are too sweet (and also a thinker by nature), it's natural for you to get sad even while experiencing happy happenings- you're one step ahead of yourself. Don't beat yourself up for this at all, because that's one of the many things that makes you a rock star.

tres- I'm full of crap, because I have similar waves of guilt, since my mom lives on the opposite coast of me, but-

catorce- Think of it this way- you're away currently, doing what you need to be doing, so that you won't feel embittered or sad when you get to the point that you really have to be closer geographically to your mother.

[DesiDancer]

Your loyalty and sweetness is so much of your awesomeness! I got a bit choked, reading about your guilt and concern for your mom's costco runs. every mom should be so lucky (especially this next weekend) to have a daughter as considerate as you.

I doubt that non-ethnic/asian/jewish kids think about this; they just stick their elders in a home and bring them Boston Market meals on the holidays... it's truly ghastly to think about.

If you guys can think of a way to create an amalgam of perfect place-perfect situation-perfect people, let me know. I've got a few cities I'd like to meld. sigh.

[bigmo]

* magical *

is the right word. i can't
stop thinking about it.

have a wonderful trip home and know that you
are not alone in your feelings about distance,
time and family. thanks for making time for
me this weekend.

[Guava]

I wish Costco had a delivery service. But then it wouldn't be Costco I guess. Maybe Serviceco.

[Jana]

Hey Chickie,

Sometimes it's in the throes of guilt that we realize the depth of our fears.

The notion of mortality sucks. I hate the fact that as a so called "adult" i need to face the fact that everything and in turn everyone dies/expires/finds their spot in heaven. Regardless of the pandering verbiage, it breaks my heart. I wish i had more time to spend with them/ to help em out/ to vocalize my love for them- but life has cornered me in a vestibule of denial and that's my reality. My fear patiently awaits my arrival outside those gates.

But they've raised us strong. To be women that hold our heads up high and fulfill our destinies. And sometimes, the cost of living that life - is distance be it physical or emotional. And guilt.

Hold on to the smile in your amma's eyes and the rest will be gravy.

Just remember, they are blessed to be loved by you. And you are blessed to have them in your life.

Stay strong

J

[Binu]

man... i can read your blogs forever...

[Sin]

Screw Karen Walker, if you need drugs or booze, I'm your man...umm...person. ;)

I do know how you feel. I used to get immense guilt about travelling even on weekends, but I suppose it's easier to cope with when one realises that living in the big ol' subcontinent brings with it access to many servants.

[amie]

"do kids who aren't asian/jewish/ethnic even think like this? gah."

What in the world is this supposed to mean? Way to assume that we who are not "ethnic" are all terrible to our elders. I'll have you know that every time I have to leave my parents (when I'm only going an hour and a half away) I cry. When I talk to them on the phone I hang up and whimper. When my mother had to go into the hospital this year because she caught a bad case of bronchitis, I drove home right away to take care of her even though I had a major exam the day after. When they grow too old to help themselves I will not "just stick [them] in a home and bring them Boston Market meals on the holidays". That is such a pathetic cop out. I am going to support them the way that they've supported me and give them whatever it is that they need and want.

I am somewhat disappointed in you, Anna. I didn't think I'd be hearing prejudice from you. I understand that you face it once in a while, but why are you returning it? How will it ever stop otherwise?
Actually, who am I kidding? I am MAD about what you said. I have a feeling the reason you are applying such harsh judgment on others is in order to convince yourself that you are not a bad daughter and alleviate your guilt. I understand why you would want to do that (and by the way, I think you are a VERY good daughter, full of love and compassion, so don't think otherwise), but you come off sounding so self-righteous. I never chose to be white, so don't assume that I am the same as the white person sitting next to me. I wouldn't assume that you're the same as the Indian person next to you.

[A N N A on Amie]

Amie,

you're someone i've come to respect, so i'm sorry that i hurt your feelings. i assure you that when i was hurriedly writing this diary entry at an internet cafe, pissing off you wasn't my intention, at all.

let me provide you with some additional information which may prove beneficial to this dialogue: when i wrote the bit about "do non-ethnic kids...think this way?" it was b/c *i* was feeling crazy with guilt, worry, anxiety...almost paralysed with it, if that makes sense.

my "non-ethnic" friends have much healthier/conventional relationships with their parents than THAT and i am hardly the paradigm of indian-girl-ness. if anything i have more in common WITH my white friends, hence my confusion and dissonance over "what's wrong with me?" since the vast majority of my non-ethnic friends HAVE cut the umbilical cord. that begat the, "do they even think like this?" thought. see? no evil here. just naive honesty that is getting me trampled, per usual.

you were incensed by the following:

I doubt that non-ethnic/asian/jewish kids think about this; they just stick their elders in a home and bring them Boston Market meals on the holidays... it's truly ghastly to think about.

kindly keep in mind that i did not write that, one of the good people who comments--and is welcome to continue doing so--did. are you going to assume that b/c she wrote that here, her thought automatically becomes mine? or that you should call me out/refute MY post out of the hurt HER words caused you? why?? b/c it all went down on my blog? that's crap.

you said you wouldn't treat your parents that way-- that's awesome. i'd expect nothing less from a person with your heart. I NEVER ASSUMED YOU WOULD MISTREAT YOUR PARENTS. i don't assume that about anyone.

frankly, i'm a little sick and tired of having to explain myself to every person i do NOT know, when all i do here is bare my heart and soul for a world full of occasionally well-meaning strangers. amie, you of all people should know me better than this, after reading for so long, through so much. i have been the victim of prejudice and a hundred other sins, yet i know that i am a flawed, ever-sinning human too, therefore bias is an inevitable struggle i must fight internally in my pursuit of self-improvement. to be utterly clear: i was not trying to insult you or anyone like you.

YOU sounded self-righteous when you told me that you didn't choose to be white and you don't assume other indian people are like me or v.v. well, thank you. i never thought that way about YOUR people either. and please, for the sake of my year's worth of good will towards you and the beautiful comments you've left, spare me the armchair-analysis of why i wrote an "insult" that actually WASN'T. i never "applied" any "judgment" and i certainly didn't write this post to "make my guilty self feel better" in comparison to those evil whiteys.

:+:

i'm sincere when i close by saying that i had been a little worried about you-- i had not seen you around or heard from you and i hoped you were okay. i guess the only positive thing i can take from this soul-bruising, bitter-tasting, unnecessary exchange is, you're fine. at least there's that. i'm thankful for it.