I wear me out.

I’m okay.
(typed as my chemical romance's retort to that blares in my head)

Everything is at least neutral, if not this side of good. I know I’m one of the lucky ones.

Still.

I need to bury my face in the neck of someone I love.

I want to be sightless for a few blessed minutes as my eyelids are warmed by skin. 

I wish that an emotional seamstress were available for tasks like this, to repair my frayed edges. 

This is why girls stay in lame relationships, for fragile situations just like this, when you really need someone to stroke your hair and murmur soothing consonants and vowels near your left ear. All sins can be overlooked when you are in the vulnerable place where you just need a hug. The idea of losing that “sure thing” causes more of my girlfriends to stay with mediocre boyfriends than anything else. Coulda woulda shoulda but when your day has been shit-tay, knowing that there is someone who’ll hold you later feels like a super power.

Boys, of course, stay in lame relationships because of the sex. It still boils down to knowing someone will touch you, that it’s almost in their job description to touch you. Hug, fuck, same thing. Someone else’s skin is going to come in contact with yours, that is the security of a relationship.

{Kindly spare me the lectures on how I should hug myself.  If I could do that, I'd probably be so well-adjusted, I wouldn't blog.}

The reassurance which a child receives from their parents is a priceless gift; when you are old enough to be a parent yourself and you are on the other side of the country, only a significant other is an appropriate choice for intimacy. Yes, of course I adore my girlfriends, but as stellar as Maisnon is, I don’t think she wants my saltwater-drenched eyelashes painting sadness on her jugular vein. I also don’t think she’d appreciate or enjoy it if I crawled in her lap. Sigh.

At what point did our parents stop being the soft place where we land? Last week, I watched two-year-old Pudge clutch at his mother while he wept, for him there was no other at that terrifying moment. For me to cling to my mother similarly…well it would require a tragedy so monumental, I’d probably have problems standing. I’ve been called out in this very space as a whiny, emotional, shitty crybaby and that’s fine. I am well aware that I am sensitive and easily upset. That’s not your problem but it’s still A problem. 

So who could hold me during those hundred other instances of pain, when it’s overwhelming at the moment yet doesn’t merit pulling my mother out of a meeting 3000 miles away? Whomever I’m dating. And this is why it sucks to be single.

I really, really wish my landlord were okay with dogs.  I could do with a puppy right about now.

:+:

This moment of pathetic weakness brought to you by reality and the letters W, A and H.

:+:

A lot happened during my trip home to CA; some of it was extraordinary, rapturous and fabulous, a lot of it was very traumatic.  I'm not ready to write it all down yet.  It was hard to write this bit of lameness.  It's been hard for me to write anything, I feel so shell-shocked.

But it will come out.  Sooner or later (and especially after a bottle of red), it always does.

:+:

Comments

[brimful]

I wish that an emotional seamstress were available for tasks like this, to repair my frayed edges.

That's a byootiful line.

Also- I think there is some degree of strength, not "pathetic weakness", in admitting the things that you feel.

Aaaannnndd, I know that this too shall pass, especially the single part. *hug*

[Rversde23]

you can borrow chandi whenever you want. she'll be back in dc in november...perfect for when the days get shorter, seasons change with moods.

[maisnon]

I'd be okay if you crawled into my lap - if you warned me first!! ;)

The thing of it is, this is also why it's good to go through problems/crisis single: it shows you that you can find your way, and that you have resources.

This means that when you're not single, you're less likely to keep someone around as a crutch.

P.S. - Having a goddog is wonderful!!

[Neha]

"This means that when you're not single, you're less likely to keep someone around as a crutch." Yes Yes YESYES!

Sweet Anna, though it isn't much, my stranger self is transmitting a little wish into the universe for you, for comfort and peace.

[sas]

"knowing that there is someone who’ll hold you later feels like a super power."

i really like that line, and how true it is.

keep your head up girl..

[j]

You know what song always makes me feel better when I'd like a male companion? (DON'T LAUGH) "It Must Have Been Love," by Roxette. Yeah, so maybe she didn't know English when she was singing the song, and maybe "It must have been love, but it's oooooooover now" aren't the most complex and challenging lyrics....but goddamnit if it wasn't a cathartic experience listening to it. From 7th grade until now, that song has provided me with much-needed, melodramatic, pathos-covered comfort.

I think I've revealed too much. Oh, and *hug*.

[Saheli]

What Maisnon and Neha said.Take care!

[Maitri]

It's nice to have a trusted someone to cry on, but what if that dearest goes away?

That is my constant fear. To expand on maisnon's thoughts, the momentary catharsis of the crutch can never replace the true wall and savior, you. I wish I were that strong. Really, I do.

Peace, girl.

[andrea]

I agree with Maitri - you have to be able to push through it and be strong in yourself, but it is nice to have that someone to come home to and rest as well ...

and part of being strong in yourself is realizing that the person you love WILL leave one day, or else you will, and being able to love even with that knowledge clear to you and not denied...

But Anna, you take rest where you can find it... in your friends, in your sweet sweet godson, your family, and the thoughts and memories and dreams you have of those people who surround you.

[li'l me]

sigh

[nik]

one day.. you told me..

"G-d will never hurt you or endanger you. Remember that every minute of the day and you will never cry or ache again."

"be alive. be grateful. be at peace"

Rt now.. I need to bury my face in the neck of someone I love also, but I believe those words you told me.. i will be at peace..

soon!

hopefully