Liveblogging the Academy Avards- The "Montages-So-Scintillating-I-Slept" Edition

Opening skit: kinda cute.  Surprised at the cameos by mel, halle...Seinfeld (can anything be funny now, w/o a sein-ref?).

Oooh, I hope Jon Stewart does well as host…I almost have butterflies for him.

"Ladies, gentlemen…Felicity."  Will be my new non-joke.  (She played a transsexual man who became a woman in a film...)

Bravo for wearing a spread collar, JS!

I liked the democratic party/donation joke…and the one about voting which came after. ;)

Yeah, THIS'll stop piracy: "There are women here who could barely afford enough gown to cover their breasts!"

I like the subtle tribute to “best picture” noms.  No song and dance, no skits…just monologue.  Nice.

On Spielberg's Jewish fillums: “I can’t wait to see what happens to us next.  Trilogy!!!”

Joaquin Phoenix got fat!

Must see “Crash”, apparently it's important…also, didn’t know Ryan Phillipe was in it.

I think the only other host I’d want to see is Conan.

DRESS:  Nicole Kidman in white…I’m thinking wedding.  Hmmm.   Her hair looks lovely, though.  The curlicue embroidery on her bustier-like top makes it extra-weddingy.  Its figure-clinging  properties help, but still, I could totally see someone get married in it, with a fun, short veil.

Matt Dillon plays “shady” sooo well.

Clooney’s acceptance speech?  Five out of five stars.

DRESS:  Reese Witherspoon in shimmering, encrusted…peach?  Ecru?  Champagne? I like her hair, too.  Dangling earrings = perfect, as does her neckline.  I’m not sure about her skirt, though.  The stripes are distracting?  Eek, I want a better look, don’t think I’ll get one now that there are ridiculous little pre-tied bowties on each oscar.  UPDATE!  It's vintage and I love that.  It perfectly complements the old-Hollywood theme (duh, of course it would) and I'm sure she's thrilled that when THIS dress was recycled, it wasn't out of human-cabbage-patch-kid-Kirsten Dunst's hamper.  Also, her dress looks best with an Oscar in front of it.  :)  No, I'm not biased, bitches!

DRESS:  Naomi Watts in destroyed ecru chiffon.  Her hair is lovely, but I would’ve switched the ponytail to her bare-shouldered side, to prevent her from looking a bit lopsided.  Interesting dress.  Very couture but NOT awards-apposite IMO.  No matter, can’t see it now that Dolly is crooning.

I'm trying to figure out how much of Dolly is plastic, not wood.  I'm guessing facelift, lip implants and lipo on that teeeeeny waist.  Also, did I temporarily pass out?  Why is she singing?  What's the point?

Okay, I know it's not relevant...but that diet coke ad was adorable.

HA!  A more brutal scientology joke, next time.  PLEASE.  Loves it.  Get scathing, Stewart!

What would happen if you banned the use of the word "honored" at this show?  What would actors say?

DRESS:  Jennifer Aniston in very simple black, which was slightly shocking thanks to all that pale which preceeded it. I like the diaphanous skirt which moves in slo-mo.  Interesting choice of jewelry, but it works. 

Russell Crowe's bowtie looks awkwardly small.  We hates it.

Getting sleepy...thanks montage of doppelgangers! Meh.

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Um...yeah.  So fall asleep I did, which is only to be expected after

a)  yesterday's exhausting exhilaration
b)  working today after not a lot of sleep
c)  angel hair pomodoro AND vesuvio potato wedges from Maggiano's

Sowwwwwy.  :(

DRESS:  J-Lo in puce?  Chartreuse?  Avocado?  Avocado.  I hate her necklace and earrings.  Hell, I hate this green on her, now that I'm getting more than a glimpse of it, which is terrible, b/c this was the year of no-color AND I love green.  I do like the micro-ruching and the way it drapes.  Not a fan of her makeup, which is rare, b/c I usually approve.  As for her hair, I'm not surprised that she's got it up, but (not like this would EVER happen now that she's miss special-knickers), if her hair were black, she would've looked wayyy better in this green.  Vintage.

I can't believe I missed a performance by Three-6 Mafia (?!wtf!?)...cursed post-prandial exhaustion.  Why are they at the Oscars?  I mean, I KNOW why, but...WHY?  Gah.  So not appropria-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-te.

DRESS...ed:  Luda in black on black, velvet Armani.  I love the welwet, but I think Manish would've rocked it better.  ;)

Ang Lee + Reese Witherspoon = my other two favorite acceptance speeches.  But I SLEPT through the rest of the awards show, so who knows, maybe Phillip Seymour Hoffman was the definition of  swoon-inducing articulateness.

DRESS:  Uma Thurman in MORE blah/ecru/cream.  She should've worn lilac (oh, Prada!) or similar.  I just think she is too pasty to wear...paste.  The dress itself seems lovely enough, as does her hair and makeup.  But I feel like I'm not going to remember anything other than a general feeling of good will about the whole combo, i.e.  "yeah...it was nice."  VANILLA!  That's what she was-- Vanilla.  And what's pathetic is this: Vanilla was one of the best flavors I tasted tonight.  Oy.

DRESS:  Jessica Alba in 10kt Versace.   NOT a fan of her earrings.  Hair is fine, but...older?  I really see it on Teri Hatcher, not hawtie Jessica.  The diamond hairpin was loverly, though.  I'm not vomiting all over this look the way every lame-assed F-list, mic-holding temporary pundit is...it's nice, but nothing spectacular.  I almost can't believe it's Versace, it's so subtly subdued.  That's not what I want from fucking Versace.  Shame on you, Donatella, you BEEEETCH.  (See:  SNL skit)

DRESS...ed:  Clooney in what looks like an old-skool tux.  Now HE can wear a smaller bowtie w/o looking lame.  I like the subtle satin-edging on the notch lapels.  Oh, Clooney...you are one of the only white devils who makes me go "hmmm..." ;)

DRESS:  Felicity Huffman in severe black Posen.  I lurrrrve her hair, can't stop looking at it.  Not crazy about the neckline, which she manages to carry off, the way I manage to not drunk-dial ex-bfs, i.e. just barely and thank the Lord for it.  Zac P is for young starlets in my flawed mind, but perhaps we can blame Natalie Portman for that association.  Felicity is in great shape and she looks lovely despite...everything. 

DRESS:  Dolly in pale pink...something.  That's a good color on someone older.  I don't know about the dress itself, though.  Something sleeker, with less bling on the shoulders would've been a smarter, though impossible choice.

DRESS:  Charlize Theron in Dior Couture.  I love how this dress makes her eyes look.  Just a fantastic effect.  Earrings are aight.  Hair is perfectly glamorous.  Only someone with no hips or bodyfat could look fine in a dress with a criss-cross...peplum-esque...thing around the waist.  I liked how she looked in the light outside (in light, period?) but in the dark, when she was sitting...not so much.  Now that I can SEE what it actually IS, the bow was a very French, beautiful touch, but I wouldn't have chosen this silhouette for someone who was going to get captured candidly so often during the night.  It's for posed pictures.  Formal Balls.  Fine, red carpet.  But she needed it for more.  I don't think non-fashion fans are going to get or like this dress, at ALL.  I can practically hear juvenile, "LOL, is that a PILLOW???" jokes being giggled everywhere.  A+ for effort/nice try, Charlize.  It's obvious that you are an ex-model w/your bearing and less than pragmatic-choice.

 

Here's MY "Montage" (some from after-footage):

- I liked the set/marquee/stage.  I kept thinking Art-Deco, though it probably wasn't.  Very nice.  Perfect frame for all the vintage dresses.

- Charlize, what was on your shoulder? And why did you look so not-gorgeous/miffed?

- Franco from Spiderman...what, are you going to a job interview?  Nice "casual" suit look.

- The Williams' sisters on their way to the VF afterparty?  Looked like ASS and I mean the shitty kind.  Cover those massive shoulders (you in the black) and what were you THINKING (you in the blue sequined halter straps)?

- Not bad, Jon Stewart...when I was awake, I thought he was wonderfully low-key.  Then again, I have verrrrry low standards for Oscars hosts.  As long as they don't suck, I'm thrilled.  And he didn't suck.  I wondered at times if he was too smart for his audience (ha!), but suck he did not.

Can't believe I missed:

- Three-6 Mafia's shite clusterfuck of an acceptance...thing

- All the Penguins!

- Dresses?  I feel like I should've seen more.  Damn you, sleep...DAMN YOU!

Comments

[j]

Where did Dolly's voice go?

[Ennis]

more more more more!

[jeesho]

ya i passed out @ dolly. its what pam anderson's gonna look like in about ooooh 30 years? i just about ending watching the awards then - but i did enjoy clooney's speech and thats the only movie i saw (yet didnt care much for) - syriana.

[jayson knight]

Boo to Dolly as well. Best dressed was Uma IMO.

Clooney's definitely a class act.

Too many black dresses this year.

[jayson knight]

Oh, and you didn't miss much from PSH...he seemed incredibly nervous and basically just rambled. Kinda disappointing actually.

[metric ang]

I did not like Charlize's ill-fitted dress at all.

Mistah Clooney on the other hand - *swoon*..............

[Neha]

Me too, I didn't like J Lo's makeup, she so right on with it usually. Salma Hayek's Versace (I think) was looking a little off, the colour was fab but the weird sash wrapped asymetrically around the bust had a strange effect.

I'm in two minds about Keira Knightly's eggplant business but her vintage bvlgari necklace was amazing! I was loving the some of the darker dresses, Sandra Bullock's was wicked and Hilary Swank's ridiculously tight strapless dress suited her nicely.

[Joe]

C'mon you can knock dolly all you want on the dress and the fashion..that's her white-trash/wanna-be 80's glamor stylo..in her Biography, she's even admitted that her style icon when she was growing up was the town whore ...but the song was very well performed for a country/gospel-ish ditty...it got the house thumpin along. You may hate the genre of the song, thats a different story. But give dolly props for her performance..she's almost 60!

[A N N AA]

i didn't diss her SINGING, i just wanted to know WHY she was singing. i was confused. i thought she sang very well. if you want to nail me for something, pick on the plastic cattiness. ;)

[Joe]

Ohhhh...that song was from Transamerica...plastic cattiness is fantabulous..i wouldn't pick on that :-)

[nina]

i saw crash, it interesting because it puts all the stereotypes that we ALL think from time to time but are to shamed or embarassed to admit. i want to see some of the other films that we nominated since i never go to the movies anymore. and charlizes shoulder bouffant thing was crazy looking!!:)

[KXB]

“Crash” was good, not great. Matt Dillon was robbed of an Oscar. All the performances, save for the shrill Thandie Newton, were very strong. The background music is a distraction – it attempts to rev up the drama when it is unnecessary.

A number of people commented that the movie was unfair to Asians. The movie completely overlooks Jews. Plus, it is hard to believe that an Iranian family would be mistaken for Arab, given that Los Angeles has one of the largest Iranian populations in the world. It even has the nickname “Tehrangeles”

[The Desi Nole]

All three songs that were nominated sucked IMHO. No one should have won.

And leave it to Anna to come up with a hilarious title. Good job.

[Sin]

Personally, I cracked up when Stewart did the little "Woohoo!!!" dance, when he woke up next to Clooney. Totally had me in stitches.

Charlize, answer me this. What on EARTH possessed you to put that damn' bow on your shoulder?