A N N A J O H N ' S D I A R Y

april 24

i'm so tired.  no real break between old job and new, no real break on a weekend when there was much eastering to do.  i now know that i will never be superwoman-- either i'll be the career-y badass (twelve hour days + weekends?  bring it.) OR i'll have a very cute, excessively tidy house.  not both.  not me.  no bleeding way.  it's astounding; i don't know how the hell my mother did it.  she cooked full mallu meals, daily, too.  no shortcuts.  ah, i am so useless in comparison.  i'm not even a tenth of the awesomeness my mother exudes effortlessly.

i'm still juggling, trying not to drop anything while i figure out what i can tolerate dropping all together.  right now i'm getting it all done by not sleeping or gymming...which i'm not happy with...but it's all transitional.  i've still got time to get the balance right, to quote some ANCIENT new wave.

in the meantine, there is espresso.  and more espresso.  and nerves.  all of the above keep me running on fumes.

:+:

i feel like making "TEAM KAAVYA" tee-shirts or something.  the lines are SO drawn. 

A is for Angst

Would I still be me...*without* Sepia Mutiny?

(Leaving might mean the resurrection of HERstory)

When does a girl know, whether in life, love or play...whether it's time to go?

april 18

WOW.

my first day at work?  that capitalized, stunned "exclamation" is all i have to say, for now, b/c to tell you what happened would take a good hour or two of writing.  suffice to say that plenty of bad things went down, none of which affected or had to with my job, thanggod.  my new job.  oh my, i have a new job!

my mom's quote of the day, for monday/ april 17...

"we should keep you in a bubble.  these things O'LY happen to you."

things are going well, though and i am one unbelievably lucky girl to land a gig like this.  i will be appositely grateful tonight, when i receive the sacrament of holy unction.  unlike goody-goody veena, i haven't attended the second and third services of the bridegroom (a.k.a. holy monday + tuesday services), but i think the big guy will understand, considering all that i'm taking on right now. i got home at 8 last night, watched gilmore girls while i had a snack, then told myself at 9:45 that i'd just take a leeeetle nap before taking off my wicked new chanel eye makeup and eating something more proper than a day old apple donut.  lo, i awoke at 6:15 am.  oy.  not surprising since i got a whopping two hours of sleep before my first day (nerves!  anxiety!) and barely six the next...

sigh.  i'll go to church tonight.  holy wednesday is my fave holy week service, anyway.  while at church, i'll be remembering all of you, who sent lowe, warm fuzzies and prayers my way, ensuring that i had the most successful start possible.  thank you, thank you, thank you.  :)

april 16

hope those of you who celebrate it had a beautiful easter, filled to the brim with gratitude, good chocolate and pretty eggs.  veena and i smugly await OUR easter, which occurs NEXT sunday, when all the cadbury mini-eggs are half-off, biznatches. ;) 

i finished my taxes today (time: four minutes) and was reminded that this is probably the last year that i'll get to use the 1040ez.  my response?  a very helpful, wide-eyed, mouth-agape approximation of cletus, the slack-jawed yokel.   i did two loads of laundry, too, before embarking on a quixotic quest for mild stimulants.  first, i thought i'd choose efficiency over ideals; i sucked it up and went next door to the uber-new starbucks and ordered chai...and it sucked more than usual. 

three dollars for THAT shit?  and after i ordered so carefully?  ("no water tea latte, please") i ended up ditching the swill and taking a roundabout route to seven-eleven, where i had a hershey's hot chocolate (augmented with the "steamed milk mix"), which sputtered gracefully out of the gross little machine whose button you must stop pushing when the cup is 2/3 full.  it was EXCELLENT and the chocolate marshmallows i sprinkled on top only doubled the bill-and-ted factor.  oh, and did i mention that it cost a whopping $1.09?  hyperness-in-a-cup accompanied me back to the apt, where i helped veena edit her term paper via cell...this was the whole reason i NEEDED the stimulant.  i love editing, but i'm no fan of eudora welty.  yech.  tank goodness for chocolat chaud.

i have been burned BADLY by waxing all sweetly hopeful about possibility on this very blog, so i haven't been specific about what's going on with me and i'm sorry for those of you who genuinely care about and know me IRL.  i just keep blogging maddeningly ambiguous crap like, "Much to do, much is changing...etc".  part of me is massively irked at myself, that i'm hostage to this fear of the "evil eye" (i'm also getting sick of the excessive black kajal my mom smears on me to ward it off), because i don't like to think that:

a)  people are THAT evil
b)  i have so little control over my life
c)  such arbitrary traditions are true

but...i think almost all of the above is correct.  sigh.  oh well, holy week is significant enough; to embark on a HUGE new endeavor during it seems auspicious to a superstitious me.  then again, i don't know that i'll be allowed to go to a plethora of services during my first week somewhere, so...who knows.  part of me can't wrap my noggin around it: i was supposed to be flying home tomorrow, instead i'll be flying up massachusetts avenue, to my future.  i'm taking your love and kind wishes with me, so ya best leave some below, y'heard?  tanks. :)

I want to marry Dr. Iain Stewart

witty?  check.

from Scotland?  check.

hot-hot-hot brogue?  check.

excellent "teacher"/interesting?  check.

doctor, but not the douchebag kind?  check.

brilliant in a subject i surely would've flunked?  check.

uses metaphors that usually involve chocolate or cookies?  check.

proclivity to wear collared dress shirts (albeit unironed) when americans would don a tee?  check.

oh my.  i think i've got a wee crush. i've been watching Hot Rocks: Geology of Civilization for a few hours now and I can't bring myself to get off the couch and get shit done, since it would mean missing edifying Iain, whose specialty is Greek and Turkish earthquakes.  right now he's explaining why my hero Caligula was so mad (lead in the wine, lead in the food, lead in the makeup of the women he sucked face with).  sigh.  smart boys?  me-OW. 

see?  i occasionally break my "only-brown-boys" rule. ;)

april 11

my life is firmly ensconced in the extreme left lane, whether my car is well-maintained enough to sustain 90mph for hundreds of miles to come or not.  i'm suddenly BFF! with anxiety and my stomach has gone on a massive revolt, preventing me from keeping down anything more substantive than reed's ginger beer.  this of course makes the prospect of working out laughable.  goody.

the blame for my shredded, destroyed nerves goes to: the inexorable fact that one so-called chapter of my life ends this week, meaning another begins next. and what a chapter it shall be. 

decisions to finalize and research done to make them with some ease.  which neighborhood will become mine?  georgetown?  dupont?  U st?  the morg? so much to do, too much to feel and mais oui, no time for any of it.  when the walls close in like this (even when some of them are happy or more accurately, good for me, as they are in this sitch) i feel an uncontrollable desire to flee to my sanctuary, where spending as little as 24 hours restores me to such strength, i can then fight any dragon.  i'm in a new york...state of mind.  after all, the best way to face terrifying change is to light a candle in front of St. Anthony, in St. Patrick's Cathedral, my holiest place on earth.  breathing new york air doesn't hurt, either.  desipina/7-11 anyone?

Since I'm *such* a hack...

...I thought I'd get some job counseling, since writing is my career.  Thank goodness for blogthings fluff.  :p

You Should Be a Film Writer

You don't just create compelling stories, you see them as clearly as a movie in your mind. You have a knack for details and dialogue. You can really make a character come to life. Chances are, you enjoy creating all types of stories. The joy is in the storytelling. And nothing would please you more than millions of people seeing your story on the big screen!

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

i hate livejournal.

...and i'm depressed that after reading it, i feel like many (note: i didn't say "all") who populate the next gen of international brown young things are obnoxious, immature and misguided.

i knew there would be fallout, that there would be insults and judgments and pain after revealing my long-buried secret.  but that doesn't make it any easier to bear.  i think part of my wrath has to do with the fact that i was very insecure about posting the story as it was, so raw and unedited.  but, i stupidly told myself, people will not focus on THAT.  they'll focus on what happened and how it happens too often.  i wanted to rewrite it...but i couldn't.  it was torture.  THAT is one of the reasons why it took me a few days to post...and THAT is why i tried to come up with a different post entirely, but in the end, i was empty.  so i gave what i had.  and it is like being skinned alive to be told that it wasn't good enough.

i know, there are several women who stood up for me on livejournal, and after reading something as hurtful as this i'm extra-grateful for that...but i'm not reading anymore.  i can't.  and i don't have to.

assholes.

pathetic, motherfucking, inhumane, psychopathic ASSHOLES.

sigh.

with the good (two-hundred kind comments) comes the bad.  i promise that since i've just vented, i will focus on the former.

April 7

I am okay.

I want everyone to know that.

A little stunned, a bit anxious, but mostly okay.

If I am affected by anything, it is the landslide of support and good wishes which fortunately has come my frightened way.

I started to write this post yesterday to update all of you worried souls as to how I was doing, but just as I was typing how stunned I was that everyone had been so uniformly kind, the LiveJournal fiasco occurred and suddenly, I felt my chest tremble as my pulse exploded in my head. I couldn't breathe. For a few minutes, I irrationally hated everyone who was born in 1983, since (randomly) everyone who was being so callous about my "crappy writing" and "whining" was a 23-year old jerk. Then I was sad, because despite over 150 comments filled with love and goodness elsewhere, ONE pathetic web page filled with ignorance and shitty, immature statements made me capsize emotionally.

Unable to hold back, I responded to LJassholess and forced myself to not check back for the rest of the night. After tossing and turning fretfully, I went to work today. And to my continued, grateful amazement, the grace kept coming my way via SM and this blog. And because of that, I feel a small measure of peace.

Thank you, for your concern, for your comments, for your emails, for your prayers, for your phone calls, for your friendster testimonial and for your love. I love all of you, too.

april 5

maybe it was a mistake, to tell the truth in public on a medium where once something is typed, it can never be erased...  : |

too late to think that way now.  now, sleep.  and breathe through the fear.

april 4

i worked out today and like sonia, i'm feeling a bit of frustration, albeit for totally different reasons.  sonia is irritated that she's plateaued, that her hard work isn't visible; i'm irked at myself for not being motivated enough to go up seven fucking floors in the elevator to the penthouse gym.  i can excuse myself for not going to my REAL gym, i.e. nysc/wsc, b/c that's a few metro stops away and thus on the cusp of "driving distance" BUT parking is impossible down there and several dollars an hour if i want to pay for it.  no spank you.  that be some bullshit, y'all.

so while i am lenient about THAT type of slackerdom,  i can't quite forgive myself for being so damned lazy about working out HERE.  at HOME.  UPSTAIRS.  sigh.  i just realised that my not-cheap gym membership primarily gets used right after i get off the hasidic bus in nyc, so that i can shower, powder, blow dry and otherwise freshen up at my leisure after four-five hours of travel...and it is ONLY used on such occasions.  as extravagant as that is, it's worth it...you'll just have to take my word on it.  fine, you don't want to believe me?  price a last minute hotel room.  i don't need to sleep, but i DO need to smell good. 

back to the griping at hand.  yeah, yeah...i did five different shoulder and back exercises and a bunch of abs stuff but i feel so blahhhh.  i miss playing indoor soccer.  i miss working a few minutes away from my gym, which was the case when i joined it last fall in downtown dc.  i miss being so devoted to being healthy that a blog post like this would've been unnecessary.  i was so much more disciplined in CA.  maybe when you're half-naked more often, you're far more likely to make sure that the skin you are in is in good shape.

of course, there's the fear that dare not speak its name: aging.  slower metabolisms.  the inevitability of death.  but then i see Madge on TV and she's like, 50 and freakishly in shape.  so much for THAT excuse.  maybe it's the kabbalah?  feh.

:+:

major changes going down, though i'm totally fine with the latest one (good news came my way yesterday)...against all odds, i might just turn out okay.  :)

march 31

am i the only one who has an astonishing selection of crap just for doing laundry?  between hampers, laundry bags, lingerie bags for use in the washer, downy ball, detergent, bleach, color-safe bleach, fabric softener...and i'm sure there's something else i'm forgetting, i just realised that there are four huge (i shop at costco) jugs o' chemicals near my washer.

speaking of, i DREAD leaving this brand-new (i'm the only one who's ever lived in it) luxe condo with its in-unit washer and dryer.  i've lived in DC three times in the last eight years and those other times, i had to schlep laundry to the end of my hall (relatively fortunate, i know-- logan circle) or down several floors to the dingy basement (blech- upper gtown).  even in that doormanned apt in manhattan, laundry wasn't as easy as this (same floor, few doors down- midtown...as if these parenthetically enclosed details are of any relevance).  now, i don't have to leave my home to wash my clothes.  this means that i can do my laundry naked.  that's so convenient.  and logical.  for fuck's sake, if i have to come up with an outfit for merely DOING the laundry, i obviously have another day to procrastinate. ;)

perhaps all the accoutrements are here b/c i'm really careful with my clothes AND i don't trust dry cleaners (for excellent reason).  this means i end up doing three different loads of delicates (regular, white and...lace) b/c unlike the vast majority of people who own them, i'm not going to farm out my beloved jermyn street-created shirts to be laundered (and starched improperly and shrunk).  blech.  i know.  i'm paranoid.  i'm also anal.  no one borrows anything, not since veena scratched the lenses of my fantastically-comfortable revo sunglasses in '94 by using them as one precious headband.  so yeah, blame her for my hoarding ways.

the good in all this is that i have a well-curated wardrobe stretching back to...age 7.  it's true.  there's a fuzzy picture of my then-baby sister sweetly handing me very preppy white socks, which i still wear (if i'm in CA, since that's where they are) since there are no holes in them. :)  aside from that, the oldest shit in my closet is from age 17.  i'm slightly chagrined but not really surprised that it is almost all from ralph lauren.  ah, good times...my mother choked when she found out that i spent $10 on a pair of polo socks BUT i'm shocked to report that i still have them fourteen years later, in excellent condition.  sigh.  this isn't always a great thing.  being the natural, sentimentalist/historian that i am, i have a very hard time parting with things, especially if they've survived the tests of time.  that's why donating six bags of shtuff to goodwill is such a novel errand for me.  but i did it.  it didn't kill me.  that means one closet is closed, leaving three more (and a storage space) to go. ;) 

ah, who am i kidding.  nothing's going anywhere.