A N N A J O H N ' S D I A R Y

August 28

the roller coaster never lets up:  due to unexpected circumstances, i am on the first flight home i could get out of dulles tomorrow.  it's a bittersweet thing, really.  i haven't been to CA in almost a year (!!!) and i miss my mother and friends (you!) terribly, so i'll be grateful to be near all that love and goodness-- but simultaneously, i will be mindful of why and how i'm "suddenly" there...if only my sense of urgency in returning wholly rested on the shocking fact that my family hasn't been in the same city together, at the same time in over two years.  there's a bit more to this situation which has me fretful, but the former fact alone conjures vomit. 

it has been far too long; i went home to see mom in november for LS's wedding, veena visited DC...but there wasn't a single point in the last twenty-seven months when we three could be one.  that's not how it's supposed to be...

i know, some of this is cryptic, but that's not my worry right now.

i'm just thankful to the point of weeping that i get to go home at all, even if it's not under the best possible conditions, because for a good part of this weekend, i didn't think i'd be allowed to travel, due to a gut-churning surprise deadline which made all of us on my newborn team go pale.  i haven't been that depressed in a while and i know it affected how much i enjoyed the DC SM meetup on saturday...but sometimes, you just can't help being blue.  i've been "planning" some version of this trip for months; the sudden, very-real prospect of not being able to go back to my roots...well, it ruined me.

the silver-plated lining is that if i had any inclination to downplay the importance of my loved ones priority-wise in my life, that potential proclivity has been obliterated.  when i hug my mother tomorrow night i'm going to squeeze her for an extra minute, just because i can.  the same goes for several of you, though i must warn you that we'll have to see each other sooner than you might have expected, because of the scope of my travel dates.  that reminds me...must write Sepia Mutiny post canceling Sept 9 meetup...maybe we can get mutinous before that?  i'm sure everyone's gone for the holiday weekend, but perhaps thursday...

Liveblogging Emmy's Red Rug

...where it is apparently 130 degrees, according to one hyperbole-prone reporter.  I'm doing errands so I might miss something, just so you know to drop expectations accordingly. ;)

Maria Menounos:  since I'm an honorary Greek, I have such the shoft shpot for this woman.  Not tonight.  What did they make you wear???

Jaime Pressley in eggplant Badgley Mischka-- what a perfect, gorgeous dress

Debra Messing:  Love the hair and makeup, not crazy about the dress

"aubergine" is the color of the evening...from the aforementioned Jaime to Evangeline Lilly and that unremarkable woman from Grey's Anatomy.  Innnteresting.

PAULA ABDUL!  That necklace DOES NOT GO with that...dress.  The hair bling was more than enough.

Sean Hayes has the PRETTIEST blue eyes...why didn't I notice them all these years when I was watching Will and Grace reruns twice a night?

I loved (what I saw of) Annette Benning's dress, but I don't thing its color (or her lipstick, or her highlights) suit her.

Why is Sandra Oh channeling Mr. T?

I think it's disgusting that FOUR out of the five female noms for best actress in a comedy series are from canceled shows.

Kyra's dress would look way better on someone with very dark hair.

Plain Jane from Grey's doesn't know how to walk in an evening gown.  Hiking it up while on Dr. McDreamy's arm?  CLASSY.

Megan Mullaly...you are gorgeous, why didn't you wear a dress which was, too?  Damn, yo.

Jennifer Love's dress makes her look hip-y.  And not in the good way.  Way to age yourself with that gown.

I hate it when people applaud as if they are seals.  They look like they are smashing mosquitoes.

I don't know who that guy was who just did the "No Thank You" speech, but he is brilliant.  Best. Awards show. Speech. EVER.

Simon Cowell...eww.  There was no need for me to see that.

I don't like that weird...pendant thing that is sticking out of the middle of the gash in Locklear's gown, but the color and draping are exquisite on her.  Burn Denise whoreards, BURN.

Candace Bergen's choice of outfit is...odd.  Is that a western belt?  Why, Enid, WHYYYY?

Charlie's original Angels look great!  Mrs. King is lovely and Jaclyn Smith is still a knock-out.

I LOVE the color of Edie Falco's sleek, beautifully designed gown.

I retrieve one load of laundry and that's it?  Emmy is done?  Wow.  Um, okay.  Conan seemed less funny than usual...but maybe I just missed when he was being a genius.  Sometimes, I think awards shows are impossible.  Even the cleverest, most howl-inducing performers sound flat when they are up on stage under a giant metallic statue...

August 23

It...went...well.  :) Relatively speaking.  It was mostly a blur; there was so much to learn, so many to meet, so much to sign, date and change passwords for or configure.  Those are unspecial, mundane activities I've done at every job, what made today so much more intimidating was all of the intelligence and creativity I had to wade through just to get to the office supply room.  We're jumping in right away and by the afternoon, it really started to hit me that this is REAL.  This is happening all around me, at migraine-inducing speeds (yep.  I had one), whether I am new and unsure of where the bathroom is or not.  Maybe that doesn't make sense, maybe it does.  But while I find a highlighter to tentatively scrawl with, someone near me is getting ready to change the world.  Humbling.

I'm exhausted and am worried that I'm rambling, so I'm going to sleep...but I wanted you to know how it went, since so many of you prayed for me, emailed me, texted me etc.  I felt so lucky, each time you reached out to me on this difficult, scary day.  You brought me good fortune and I love you all for it.  :)

Now, I Hate Reality TV

Project Runway: you are DEAD to me.  DEAD! 

Don't fret, my pets-- I'm not going to spoiler anything here, but the person who was cut?  MY FAVORITE.  And he was so swoontastically talented...but let's leave that aside for a nanosecond, shall we?  The person he was "up against" in that final round of two was such a JERK.  And his...I can't bear to dignify it by defining it as a "dress"...his concoction?  That piece-of-shit shmatha?  Are you kidding me?  HORRIBLE.  Like...a choir robe gone terribly awry.  Like a nightmare with buttons. 

I will readily admit it; my favorite's creation wasn't anything special.  In fact, it was incongruous in comparison to all of his other elegant and beautifully executed work, but this assignment was a bit anomalous to begin with, right?

Annnnnnnd...I'm done being ambiguous for you TIVO-lovahs. :)

disclaimer: I don't think I've seen every ep this season, so it's possible that the designer who was so unjustly eliminated tonight might have sent a dog down the runway before this show. ;)  Don't yell at me!

August 22

i am so tired.

just mentally and emotionally exhausted. 

and i don't have time to feel this way.

i don't have time for much of anything; i read several of your blogs (sherni, brimmy, barmaid, chai...) while rushing through a dinner i almost decided against, because walking to the kitchen seemed too daunting a task after such a brutal day.  obviously, i didn't get to comment anywhere (though i had responses and reactions to all of your posts) and for that, i suck like le dyson.  i owe so many of you emails.  and my condo, after being magazine-ready last month, is decaying in to islands of forlorn laundry, receipts which need filing, floors which need vacuuming and...unread magazines which keep piling.

today was my last day at work; because of this, i tried to cram an entire week in to a slippery set of hours.  i was not very successful with this flailing attempt, i might add, though i'm sure you predicted as much.  i feel awful.  i wish i had been able to give my last job more notice, but it simply was not possible.  the whole "catch" with the "awesome job" offer (which seemed to explode from out of NOWHERE at the end of last week) was that i had to start immediately.  okay.  i could do this, i thought.  deep breath.  focus.  meditate.  pray.  be mindful.  but all i was "mindful" of was how my guts were writhing, because i knew that i'd be leaving my team bang in the middle of the biggest project i'd ever had the opportunity to help with, because i had given all of a whopping 2 days notice that i was out, because...i absolutely adored my supervisor, for a hundred more reasons besides the fact that he was an MIT alum who was born and raised in new yawk.  i've never felt that way about someone i worked with.  i haven't respected a someone's words this much since...i last heard my father's own voice.  :( 

and yet...

the new job was too magical an opportunity to pass up, it was a dream come true.  energy, creativity, possibility...all of the gorgeous, pixie-dust sprinkled fabulosity i normally have to amtrak all the way to manhattan for, in one company.  i've never been offered an adventure like this.  i've never worked at a "real" start-up.  i've never felt so convinced that what i am helping with could change people's lives, starting with my own.

still, i felt like the stinkiest asshole ever for not sticking around for the obligatory two weeks, nevermind that my consulting gig ended before that, on 8.31. i couldn't shake the guilt, the feeling of shirk-tastic weaselness.  i knew certain people, the very same people who took my happiness-at-work level down from a "9" to a "6" when they suddenly came on board and "shook things up", these people whom i worked with would punish me for my unexpected career move (which they did, by making today as GAH as possible)...but that's exactly what it is.  a career move. my supervisor, our boss, everyone...they were unanimous with their advice:  "you have to take this. you'd be a fool, not to..." i just wish i could have had a day in between to catch my breath...

i need to get some sleep.  i want to make a solid impression on my very first day and yawning through the morning is something i'd prefer not to do.  wish me luck, minnows.  and if you can, please keep my little sister in your prayers.  while she finally got a diagnosis today, it's not one to be taken lightly.  :(  i'm so worried about her, on top of all of this...

(look away, so you won't see these edges fray...)

August 21

BREAKING NEWS:

I. Quit. My. Job. 

...earlier, this afternoon.  I know.  I know. 

Everyone at work was just leveled, b/c it was the last thing they expected.  Me?  Well, this is concomitantly exhilarating and terrifying.  I still have to move across town at the end of the month, I still need to pack for such an endeavor and I'm STILL trying to come to CA...and now, on top of all of that, I'm starting a new gig with a whopping 12 hours to recover from one sure-to-be-hellish final day/frantic night before putting my perkiest, cleverest self forward.  I'm just a bit dazed by it all.  It's happening so fast...

August 20

MINI3, originally uploaded by suitablegirl.

I can't remember the last time I laughed out loud just because I was so joyful while *driving*.  The Mini Cooper is detail-laden, anachronistic and perfect.  And I wasn't even in the Cooper "S"! 

I joined Zipcar a few days ago and made my first reservation for today.  On the agenda from 10am - 2pm: church, whole foods, trader joe's and maybe the indian/mallu store in VA if possible.  By 1pm, I was extending my reservation, in part because I wanted to run more errands, mostly because I couldn't bear to give him back.  By 2pm, I was scheming of ways to buy or lease one; they cornered like champions and the XM radio was as fabulous as I'd always feared it would be.  At 3pm, I swooned after effortlessly overtaking a lumbering Ford Explorer.

When I drove the Mini back to its parking spot, I told myself that carsharing was so worth it, if it meant being THIS happy after running mundane errands which normally leave me weary.  Practically skipping, I made my way home, daydreaming of how I couldn't wait for next Sunday...

A MINI SOUNDTRACK FOR MY GLORIOUS AFTERNOON

LET'S  MOTOR :

quell heure est-il - tomcraft

take the skinheads bowling - camper van beethoven 

bambino nel tempo - eros ramazzotti

x-french tee shirt - shudder to think

stutter - elastica

losing a whole year - third eye blind

anarchy in the UK - sex pistols

dani california - red hot chili peppers

mardy bum - the arctic monkeys

ride - the vines

bizarre love triangle - new order

August 16

I'm starting to feel slightly overwhelmed.  Too many worrisome and trying situations on too many fronts...it's so much worse than, oh, having to work 35 hours in two days to make a deadline (that's coming, too).  I'm worried about my little sister, stressed about moving, car-less before I can afford to be, racking up successive health-related issues and feeling anxious about getting screwed over but not fretful enough to do the pre-emptive screwing.  I find myself taking lots of apprehensive, deep breaths, desperately attempting to center myself and beseeching someone above for help on an hourly basis. 

The only thing which seems to get me through "it"?  Remembering that one month from today, my life will be totally different, hopefully for the better.  If I can suvive all this...

August 14

I left work at 8:30 at night.

I was so hungry.

I stopped at Social Safeway.

At 9:30, I got back in my car.

It was dead.

I managed to not freak out.

I tried to focus on the positive; I had parked under the brightest light.

I sucked it up and asked a cute Asian boy for help.

He whipped his Explorer around the parking lot until it was nose to nose w/me.

He found jumper cables, he started to set them up.

But, a few minutes later, he admitted his hesitation b/c his own battery was weak.

I thanked him anyway.

I wanted to panic.

I wanted to call AAA, though they are 3000 miles away as far as my policy is concerned.

I saw a boy with wavy hair two cars away.

I sucked it up and asked HIM for help.

He was on his cell, but smiled at me in an encouraging way.

He also moved his car as I unpacked MY jumper cables.

Nothing.

Mine, never used, were broken.

He found HIS jumper cables, spent more than the typical amount of time trying to recharge the battery.

A kind man in a Land Rover asked if we were okay, offered his assistance, "because I have a brand new battery, if you need it..."

I felt fortunate that so many people were so willing to help. 

I told him "No, thank you" and he wished me luck.

Finally, weakly, the engine lurched in to action.

I wanted to cry, I was so relieved.

He acted like it hadn't been a bother, at all.

He went to Georgetown.

He had just left his softball game.

He's going to Europe for his bar-break, before working at a DC firm.

He was my hero in a matte white Integra and soccer sandals and wherever he is, I hope he knows I'm still grateful.

When I got home at 11pm, my ZipCar card had arrived.

It's all a sign.