"Tell me why, don't we try, not to break our hearts, and make it so hard for ourselves?"

Hey there.

You, yes you who I just deleted over there, who is not reading this, over here, on my personal blog. 

I typed a long, earnest comment to you, asking you please, not to mischaracterize my actions  or intentions, because your manipulating the situation was unfair and would only further derail the thread.  Contrary to what you allege, we DO delete for off-topic comments.  Keeping us on topic is the biggest challenge a moderator has!  While I wish that I could get my snark on to the extent that the girls at Jezebel do, certain literalists, pedants and others whom I actually have nothing against and like in real life prevent that from happening (which is less entertaining for all of us, I think).

But then I thought, "I should look up this person's IP" before I sincerely try and defend myself by engaging in a dialogue with someone who is accusing me of something...and I did that query...and lo, I discovered much. Now, given such context, I see that I could type until my fingers fell off, but you don't give a shit about fairness or hearing me out. 

You've made some of the most petty, immature comments I've moderated this summer (when you weren't insulting me, that is).  You keep reading the blog even though "the only person worth paying attention to" is no longer with us (glutton for torment much, then?). So peace to you, my critical, rude, blood-pressure-raising friend.  I get it, it's personal, you reeeeally dislike me and there's no point in my trying to reason with you or convince you that I'm not as _______ as you think.  I've deleted our entire exchange, because its about as pretty or useful as fecal matter smeared on walls.  You must feel nice though, because I feel like shit, which shall be a running theme in this post.

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A confession: as SM gets bigger, I feel like I'm being forced in to a smaller and smaller box.  I am less allowed to be me, if that makes sense.  There are too many observing us, which raises the stakes, so it's better to avoid risk, lest I suffer for it later.  More troubling than that, I am less allowed to be uneven, flawed, normal.  Expectations are so high...too high.  When I'm not disappointing the majority, I'm offending or troubling them. Every post needs a disclaimer, an explanation, a multitude of clarifications...and that's exhausting not to mention numbing. 

It makes me want to write less. It also defeats the purpose of the whole sepia party; if you want straight news which is presented professionally, honeychile, get thee away from teh blogs.  The whole point is personality, yet that's what I get slammed for, again and again.  It's a constant stream of rejection, of being met with "eeww" when I say hello.  It's demoralizing.  And draining.  Wanna know what's extra awesome?  It always seems to worsen when I'm trying to do the right thing or when the point of a post is helping someone.  No, not depressing at all.  I'm left thinking that if anything, I've harmed, not helped, that the negativity which I've inspired is the last thing a good cause needs.   

One more thing:  if I could have grown a thicker skin, don't you think I would have by now?  I swear I don't enjoy this.  Who would?

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Some days, I love what I do, others...I just want to go home and crawl under a blanket.  That goes for both of my "jobs" and it probably goes for most of the working world.  I recognize that it's not a unique sentiment.  I also get that it's really hard to assume the best about a situation.  A few hours ago, an alarming email was sent out to our entire team and its target was nebulous but it could've been aimed my way?  I started to fret and get depressed, even as I told myself that such stress, while understandable, was pointless, unless I knew the issues raised were ones I am guilty of, specifically.  So I'm having this rational discussion with myself, but it's not really working...and then one of my favorite co-workers arrives, asks me why I'm blue...and then starts laughing because the email was about HIM.  He even proved it. So, I Eeyored for nothing.  It's a valuable lesson which I fail at regularly, this not assuming the worst stuff.  I will console myself with this indisputable fact: I'm not the only one who needs to learn it.  I hope she reads the reply but more than that, I hope she believes me.  Really, I'm not so awful.

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Shit never ends, yo.  And on a thread for Bevin no less!  I'm amazed.

I'm going to go home.  I've had enough shitty attitudes, misunderstandings, trolling and whatever else for a week, let alone a Thursday, which is usually my happiest day at work.

Is it disturbing that I fantasize about moving on to the next stage of my life and having children, which would make me too busy for any of this self-torment?  Right now, I love how blissed out my friends with kids are...they seriously don't give a shit about anything BUT their kids.  I normally  find that scary, worrisome...but now it seems sooo fantabulous, compared to giving something my all and constantly getting shat on for my efforts.  Which is not to say that when I have kids, I won't give it my all or get shat on, I will and I will...but it's one thing to wash your own infant's poo-ish little butt, quite another to get shat on by anonymous jerks who won't be changing MY diaper when I'm 90.

Comments

[Maitri]

Hang in there, girl, and remember that a lot more will back you up than won't. Also, if you grew a thicker skin, would you be you?

[suman]

Dear Anna, I come on your blog periodically because i think you are an excellent and insightful writer and I admire how easily you are able to transfer your thought to words. You were one of the main reasons I used to read Sepia Mutiny. I loved feeling like I belonged and often referred to the stories on sepia mutiny when talking with my friends. I would also constantly chide them into going on that site to check it out. However, i have since stopped visiting Sepia for the same reasons you mentioned. As the site became bigger i felt like my opinion was being shut down and I was being shut out. People were very defensive my words were being twisted to make it look like i was being callous which was never my intent. After a couple of weeks of this i left sepia because it no longer felt like home and i never looked back. I am sorry this is happening to you too, more sorry than when it happened to me because i believe everything you do on that blog is out of a feeling of community and you are being burned for it. I hope you do not stop blogging because where i am from there arent many indian people much less indian people that are outgoing and personable like you. Reading your blog makes me feel good to know that there are people like you out there.

good luck
suman

[brimful]

*hugs* and everything Maitri said.

[Chaitan]

dear Anna, I have been reading Sepia Mutiny for over a year now as well as your blog. I'm constantly amazed at how much time and energy you put into it and there is no doubt every bit of it makes the site what it is. I would even go as far as to say that I was inspired to contribute, and since I've become an admin for you guys. Don't stop what you are doing. May be take more fishing trips. :)

Go A N N A!

[scarletta]

Dear Anna,

I hope you realise that for every foolish, misguided person who chooses to criticise your work, there are 100s of us who long for the way you play with words and enrich our lives with you blogs. Furthermore, if anyone actually takes a moment to look at the evidence before they criticise you, they would realise the large amount of good work you do for people.

As for Sepia Mutiny, I remember skipping through posts just to read yours. There were so many personal stories that you shared of your childhood that have made me laugh, cry, reflect and adjust my life. And I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one.

You have such a gift for writing, I hope you don't let a few people stop doing what you love, or even worse stop you from loving the art.

Sending love and keeping you in my thoughts.