A N N A J O H N ' S D I A R Y

"Welcome back Anna! Where have you been?"

Some of you have noticed and wondered about it, some of you have noticed and worried about it and finally, some of you have noticed and rejoiced-- I have not posted or commented on Sepia Mutiny in almost two months.

I couldn't, because of what I was going through; the number one thing my doctor specified was that I was not to be under any sort of stress whatsoever, lest it exacerbate my condition, which was serious enough that I was on medical leave from work for seven weeks. 

Sadly, SM is one of/if not the most stressful aspect of my life, because of my devotion to keeping it lovely (which meant moderating for up to 16 hours a day) but also because the vicious personal attacks are a bit much to bear, even after five years of blogging.  It's easy for others to tell me to ignore it, they don't get hate mail.  Yes, can you believe it? I used to get hate mail, among the dozens of blog-related email messages I receive each day.  That's stressful.  I started approaching both my inbox and SM itself with trepidation; what nasty email lurked within the former or worse, what borderline-trolly-is-thisclose-to-being-banned jerk had left a new comment, which was visible on the sidebar?  Who needs such madness? 

I didn't.  Not when my health was being jeopardized.  By the way, my lovelies, my deterioration was occurring when my life was simultaneously turning upside-down; I was packing up and moving far, far away...and moving is the most stressful thing I ever do.  My job was all shook up thanks to three re0rgs in as many weeks.  My ankle got re-sprained.  I was supposed to be planning the hugest, most significant day of my life, but that was its own nightmare.  When it rains, it monsoons.

So I avoided my Sepia baby, because I had to, because I needed to heal.  That's where I've been.   Resting.  Running. Rebooting.  Rising.

Today, the tragic, terrorist attack on Jaipur compelled me to put up my first post in two months. Three out of the first five comments referenced my absence, which makes me feel concomitantly loved and guilty on a thread about something so serious.  It is wonderful to feel missed and appreciated, but I don't want to inadvertently threadjack my own post, because of my unexplained absence.  Not when I can explain it here, in a more appropriate space.

Thank you for noticing that I was gone, and for graciously, warmly welcoming me home.  I've missed you, too.

March 12: Things Fall Apart

I checked my alerts, saw a new post on SM. 

Read that post and comments, noticed that I was getting credit for something I did not do.

I got confused; I surfed back to past SM post to see who wrote the post I didn't write.

Read the post, started skimming the comments.

Saw a super-courteous, and much-appreciated (even a year later) comment which directed thread-jackers elsewhere, to a whole new post/discussion on that person's own blog.

Followed the link and read the post; still smiling at this point, what an awesome thing for them to do.

Read the first comment and felt like Bruce Banner, turning green as my shirt shredded.

Hulk mad.

Immediately started to respond.

Paused.

Hulk sad.

Realized that many of the people who frequent that space dislike both me and SM.

Asked myself what good would or could come, from my addressing closed minds.

Stifled my inner-15-year-old, who is not so clear-headed, calm or philosophical.

Immediately comforted said 15-year-old, who internally wailed, "I can't keep this in!  Stop telling me that I shouldn't leave this comment because I'll be over it by tomorrow!  YOU'RE NOT EVEN MY REAL MOM!"

Sighed.

Remembered that this is why I have this diary, which I have not felt safe to express myself in, for over a year.

Not Ready For a Neti

Before the "Irrigation", originally uploaded by suitablegirl.

So...I was on GChat with Deee, and she was telling me that she, too, was sick.  We're sick of being sick.

Deepa: as part of my insanity
  i bought a neti pot
  i'm sick of having colds and allergies
  so i'm going all ayurveda auntie
  on the problem!

me: oh, please tell me how that works

12:18 PM Deepa: i wonder if there is something similar for bronchitis? some ayurvedic/non-prescription thing

dude, i think you are as .... squeamish about certain things as me a neti pot is basically used to wash out your nose/nasal cavity

me: i saw it in the nyt and i'm scared of water in my nose but i'm so sick of being sick :(

Deepa: dude, yes - i'm not thrilled with the idea but, if it works

me: and tylenol/anti-histamines etc only have done so much

Deepa: i'll get over it.  yeah, i'm also sick of allergies  and the idea of washing out allergens ... MAKES SENSE

resolved: i will try neti pot with plain water (you are supposed to make mild saline solution) today

i have probably had it for close to a year

it sits in my med cabinet and i look at it, warily and never touch it

me: oh wow.  you had it before the current neti-boom  :)

12:23 PM Deepa: i've been wanting, in theory, to neti for ages

there is also a somewhat less scary option:
  www.kadavy.net/blog/archive/2005/06/sinusrinse_nasa.php
 
sinus rinse

::

So as I staggered to Rite-Aid this evening, I kept thinking there was something I needed besides Tylenol Cough-and-Sore-Throat liquid, a.k.a. Mint Nyquil which doesn't taste like ass.

Thankfully, despite the mental fog and exhaustion, I remembered the afore-pasted convo before I left the store.  I didn't know what I was looking for, so I bought the only thing that looked like a "kit".  Well, that and it was the only product that had the scary but necessary word "irrigation" on it...

::

One day later:  as odd as it was, it worked.  The "kit" I bought was essentially "Neti for Dummies", so it's not that great a surprise that it was effective, but whatever.  It's nice to have an option which doesn't involve benadryl (which leaves me feeling drunk) or claritin (which I'm not sure really works).   I guess India really does do everything better, but don't take that from me, not when Oprah is all giddy over her unfortunately-termed "nose bidet".

Haagen-Dazs is good, FREE is even better.

::

Free Haagen-Dazs TODAY!, originally uploaded by suitablegirl.

::

Considering the fact that I actually go in to evil-Starbucks for Cinnamon Dolce drinks, I'm all about trying the Cinnamon Dulce de Leche. :D

I lurve me some Haagen-Dazs (Seven years to search for the perfect strawberries!  I sweat such a.r. attention to detail!),  so I'm off to Gallery Place/Chinablock...I'll report back with my corny cone-y review later.

::

This mandatory test of the Flickr Broadcasting System is complete. :)

Wicked Google-y

Wicked Google-y, originally uploaded by suitablegirl.

Super cute. :) And it's about to be Mutinous...

No Excuses

First tournament
The first All-African Amputee Football Tournament is taking place in Sierra Leone. Many players lost their limbs as a result of atrocities during wars, gun-shot wounds or land-mines. Sierra Leone are the experienced favourites, but Ghana and Liberia have been training hard and could cause an upset. The winners go through to the world cup, later this year.

Right. 

Well, despite the rather unfair* developments at work this afternoon, seeing and reading the above effectively destroys any further urge to whine on my part.  Thanks Ennis.  I needed that.

* temporary.  snow-related.  don't fret, my pets...not yet.

Shimmering Golden Green?

No wonder I've worn Chanel for 16 years...

suitablegirl@gmail.com  from ~~~ United States~~~ wrote:
Category: "Can you recommend an alternative for a discontinued product or shade?"

Hello:

I'm looking for a lipglass called "Succulent (AB9)". It's an amazing orange shade which I didn't see on your site, which leads me to wonder if it's been discontinued. I know it's a color I purchased five years ago, so I'm not surprised if that is the case. Could someone please tell me if it is still available or what its next-best replacement would be? I'd even consider lipsticks as a last-resort to re-capture the look of that color, but prefer glosses.

Thank you so much!

Anna

......................................

Baby's First day at...

Baby's first day at..., originally uploaded by suitablegirl.

Call it a false start, call it a gentle way to reacquaint myself with the normal, working world (I prefer the latter), but don't call it my "first day".  yesterday, I was home by 2pm, after enrolling, signing, deducting and new-badge-creating.  i.e. HR and I got cozy.  They may be headquartered so far away that I needed a glossy new zipcar to *get* there, but I was even more impressed by how kind this company is to their employees after yesterday.  Any road, minutes after I walked out through very pretty glass doors, I received a certain phone call many of you have inquired about-- yup, my mandatory "check up" came back all clear...which means that like Garbage Elastica (Thanks, Brian...yeesh I must've been way nervous to cock that up), Baby, I'm ready to go.

So, THIS is my actual first day of work.  I'm on my way downtown (who else has a seven-minute subway commute....anyone?  Just me?  HA!) to the location where I'll actually be toiling to foil evil on a daily basis.  I'm obnoxious enough to type this while in a winchester (Thomas Pink's white collar/cuff dress shirt...the rest of the shirt is black and white striped) and *cufflinks* with super-pretty new platform-heeled, patent-leather shoes (thanks, clrkn), i.e.  I look like a grown-up.  And I'm so nervous, I think I'm going to vomit the meager contents of my tumms (Godiva Dark Choc bottled coffee).  Fun!

Yep, today, not yesterday is *it*.  It's not a proper first day at school unless I'm nauseous enough to faint while my hands are too quivery to apply eyeliner.  Check and check. 

Bye-hoes-bye-hoes...it's off to work I go!  Can you believe it?  No day but today.  I can finally pay my RENT.  :)

The Lord Giveth, the Lord Taketh Away...

"VEENA!  My goodness, FINALLY-- I've been trying to reach Mom.  The ONE time I have awesome news--"

"Oh?  How are you?  What's the awesome news?"

"I THINK I GOT A JOB!!!!"

"Congratulations!  That's FANTASTIC, I'm so happy for you!  Which one?"

"THE job, i.e. the best possible one!  I interviewed for it on Monday-- you know, the one where they talked to me for almost two hours?  With the ridonkulous benefits?  They didn't even bother with a second interview!!!  OMG, I have a job I have a job I have a job!  Two freaking months of looking and trying and interviewing and FINALLY, I'm going to be okay!  I AM SO FUCKING HAPPY!!!!"

"That's great, I am thrilled for you.  Wow, this is such good news.  Too bad you can't get through to Mom..."

"I KNOW, right???  She's the one who was the most worried, now I just want to tell her about this soooo badly!  Aaaaaaccckk, WHY isn't she picking up her damned phone?  I've tried ALL THREE numbers!"

"She's going to be so happy.  Really.  It's about time she got some good news."

"Seriously!"

"Especially after THIS week."

"I know, ri-...wait-- what do you mean?"

"Just...whenever I've called her, I've been kind of down.  I know she's very worried, about both of us.  That's why I'm just ecstatic that when you call her now, it'll be for something so wonderful.  She really needs it."

"WAIT.  STOP.  What's going on-- what have you not told me?"

"Nothing."

"Don't do that."

"No...I...it's nothing.  I don't want to spoil your day.  You've had a rough 3 months, you need to enjoy this exact moment when your luck is finally changing."

"VEENA.  TELL ME--"

"No.  I'll tell you tomorrow.  It's not a big deal."

"Damn it Veena, now you HAVE to tell me.  I'm going to be consumed with this all day.  Now I'm totally worried, so put me out of my misery, please?"

"I'm at the hospital.  I'm waiting to see my doctor because...of...some new test results.  The treatment didn't work.  In fact...I'm worse now."

The waiting...

...is the hardest part.  Encouraging words from one job I interviewed for twice last week, a thank you sent to the job I chased yesterday...but no news for all of you unbelievably kind souls who watch and worry.  Some of you have sent me the sweetest text messages, with such exquisitely perfect timing, I wonder if you're omniscient.  The biggest monkey wrench: background checks, which are to be expected. 

I'm trying not to worry.  There's nothing else I could be doing right now, except mindfully acknowledging my anxiety and letting it flow right through me.  THAT is more difficult than the aforementioned waiting.

Oh, That Hurts.

I just spent hours writing a ridiculous, passionate, link-laden post about CNN, Sepia Mutiny and whether or not "we matter"...and then for the first time in the 18 months that I've owned it, my iBook crashed.  That's not supposed to happen.

I lost everything.  It was such a long post.  It is gone. 

This is the worst, emptiest sort of feeling.  I was shaking with anger when I got home, after what happened.  It took me almost two hours to calm down and write in the first place.  And then this happens.  And losing something you've worked on is bad enough, but the insidioius fear that something (which with my luck, wouldn't be covered by applecare) might happen to my baby, my lifeline, my mac?  oh, that's untenable.  I communicate, I look for jobs, I manage my life, I exist b/c of this bit of glossy white important in my lap.  :(

Fourth Time is a Charm

if at first..., originally uploaded by suitablegirl.

...i hope.  the first time i attempted NaNoWriMo was in 2003, the year i commenced blogging.

i'm stupidly re-convincing myself that i can actually do this once again, not that THAT is difficult-- it's the holidays and delusion comes easier to me 'round now.

so, the goal is to write a 50,000 word...novel...in one month, that month being november.  i've hit anywhere from 7,000 - 20,000 words during previous attempts, but i have never reached that magical 50,000 mark...yet.

unlike other years, after the last few weeks, i'm suddenly deluged with...um..."material".  yeah, THAT'S what we'll call it.  plot is only part of the challenge though; the only way to get through the month with a book of your own at the end is to let go.  non-newsflash: i suck at that. 

doing this odd, arduous and potentially exhilarating activity requires that you can't polish or edit or fret while writing.  dude, that's ALL i do.  apparently, you just have to keep pounding away at a keyboard, b/c the focus is on quantity over quality.  that strategery is anathema to me, but, i also am aware that sometimes it's possible to do the impossible if the end result is worth it.  having typed that, check with me in december to see if i still feel this way about writing, novels and months. ;)

Office Hours...

...might be held (one last time!) on Monday...get in touch (via mobile, please) if you want to see your naughty TA. ;)  I'll give you some extra credit or whatever innuendo should go after that visual.  :D  To Greco, minnows, to Greco!

Poor, But Perfumed, Well-fed and Well-read

And ye shall receive. Again. A list of Whole Foods purchases from my shame-spiral-inducing past week:

- Upper Crust Sourdough Wheat Pecan Raisin Bread

- All-butter Pound Cake (wasn't for me)

- Roasted Garlic Bread

- Croissant Bread Pudding Slice

- TAZO Iced Tea: Passion Potion

- TAZO Iced Tea: Giant Peach

- Stomping Grounds Espresso Concentrate

- TAZO Chai Latte Concentrate

- Naked Juice "Blue Machine"

- Frozen Organic Mangoes

- Frozen BerryMedley

- Frozen Edamame

- Taj Frozen Dinner: Rajmah

- Lesser Evil Popcorn (adult crackerjacks)

- Sushi: Spicy Tuna Rolls (SO NOT FOR ME!!)

- Kiss My Face Liquid Soap: Pear

- Alba Botanicals Body Bath: Honey Mango

- Burt's Bees Farmers Lip "Blam": Strawberry

- Better Botanicals Rose Tulsi Toner

- Bouquet of Organic, Cream-colored, green-twinged Roses

- Vogue (couldn't resist Evangelist-a)

- Ms.

- New York Post

- Sunday Washington Post

pWn3d by Whole Foods

...title corrected, thanks to a gracious assist from a helpful Yeti. :)

And Ye Shall Receive

  In traffic, in the car, via my cellphone, so it's not the ideal photograph at all, but it's the only one I have. If you click it, it will enlarge.  Speaking of, I'm so glad I used that pore-refining shit. ;)

So, FINALLY, I have bangs.  That I like.  I've asked for them for years and always been denied.  I wish you guys could see the back or how the right side is angled, but close enough. 

Besides, detail = arrogance. ;)

A few hours ago...

"what do you think?"

"it's...nice..."

"but?"

"i like you in teals, like strong blues.  oh, and purple.  you look so good in purple."

"i've been wearing a lot of purple lately.  as for this shade of pink...my mom would LOVE me in it."

"it's not bad, i just think...you could look better in something else."

"such diplomacy."

"you know that scarf you're always wearing?"

"scarf?  you mean-"

"the chunky one.  it's lilac. i like that on you.  you look really good in that color...good job."

"i didn't pick it out, actually."

"oh, it was a gift?  fine, they have good taste then."

"it was an extraordinary gift. and they have good everything."

birthdays and dinners and parties, oh my!

okay, kids.  two things need to be firmed up, for two different dates in two different cities.  i already bought outfits so this shit IS going down. ;)

1)  end of january-- my birthday, guest starring brimful!  i see a dinner at DC's hippest new brown bistro.  the food is EXCELLENT and the mood is just as good.  who's free?  an evite goes out soon!  brimful, what date would be best for you?

2) feb 11th-- FLOG MEETUP II: Electric Boogaloo.  cookie can't do the 4th, nina may not be able to do the 4th, shirley didn't say anything about the 11th...so i'm not sure if the 11th is doable for either nina or shirley, but it's the preferred date right now. scorps is right, since little nik aka cookie aka cookums missed the last night of puke-discreetly-in-a-chic-bath-and-head-right-out-for-more debauchery, we HAVE to make sure this night revolves around her convenience; it's the least we can do for one of the three birthday girls, nina and i being the others. :)

in the comments, leave your availability and questions.  i see a spring meetup for girls who are ILL and OK, so keep that in mind.  you too, slazzy.

I wear me out.

I’m okay.
(typed as my chemical romance's retort to that blares in my head)

Everything is at least neutral, if not this side of good. I know I’m one of the lucky ones.

Still.

I need to bury my face in the neck of someone I love.

I want to be sightless for a few blessed minutes as my eyelids are warmed by skin. 

I wish that an emotional seamstress were available for tasks like this, to repair my frayed edges. 

This is why girls stay in lame relationships, for fragile situations just like this, when you really need someone to stroke your hair and murmur soothing consonants and vowels near your left ear. All sins can be overlooked when you are in the vulnerable place where you just need a hug. The idea of losing that “sure thing” causes more of my girlfriends to stay with mediocre boyfriends than anything else. Coulda woulda shoulda but when your day has been shit-tay, knowing that there is someone who’ll hold you later feels like a super power.

suddenly, i'm Queer?

someone fwd'd this call for papers to a listserv i'm on...the following paragraphs abducted my attention:

Queer South Asia
Love and Sexuality Beyond Conventions

Sexuality is not talked about openly in South Asia. Marriage and having a family are central for the construction of society. Accordingly all forms of sexuality which deviate from the norm face problems.  Remaining single, changing partners or being homosexual are not options for the "standard" South
Asian...

Following the controversy around the film "Fire" in 1998 a queer movement developed in India. It fights for equal legal rights and the acceptance of society for differing styles of living. "Queer" is used to describe all people who question the sexual norm. It thus encompasses not only homo- and bisexuals as well as transgender but also heterosexuals, who, for example, do not want to marry.

huh.  while i haven't ruled it out eventually, right now i'm nowhere near wedded bliss.  sometimes i wonder how i dare entertain such blasphemous notions, but the older i get, the less necessary the entire arrangement seems. ;)

in recent heart-to-heart convos with my mom, i've stated that i might not ever get married.  she's reacted admirably, with a restrained sort of support which almost masks her very reasonable disappointment. my mother loves me, so she'll be in my corner no matter what.  she's not the one who crawls up my ass about the whole subject...that's other members of my fam.

the truth is, i probably will get married in five years or so.  however, i'm so far away from that possibility that if you unreasonably, improbably and hypothetically put a gun to my head, i'd say "no, i'm not getting hitched".  i guess that means that if you put a gun to my head...i'm queer. 

wow.

well, paint me a rainbow and buy me some flannel shirts.  i'm a strange girl after all. :D

MR: abhi

annnnnd...another one bites the dust.  congrats to abhi's best friend!

he thought ennis was married!

moonshine- revealed  (to our horror)

"i'm looking for an indian bf...would you like to correspond?"

OH NO YOU DI'NT!!!

punjabi boy does NOT = punbaji boy

"so, my ny resolution was to meet two bloggers...now i have"

"i don't count"

"sure you do"

"well, she's a baby blogger...maybe if you had met her in a few months?"

"nah, those are the best kind...serious bloggers are all jaded.  they publish something and they're all, take that, readers!"

amsterdam has another fan!

the music is really loud.  very uncharacteristic...

don't feed abhi spice unless you have kleenex around

"did manish warn you that i'm an octopus?"

"no, but it's cool, i like cephalopods"

the grog and tankard-- what a great name for a DIVE :)

two things:

1)  i'm eating POCKY and thinking of someone who is POCKY-er than amateur me.  :)

2)  at 9pm, i'm going to go see the beta project  at the grog here in DC, just steps from where i used to live.  SJM and the jaywalking-new-iPod-owning-lawyer  will be there, too.  i'd be jealous of such a crew,  if i were you. 
/end rhyme-iness  :D

beta what?  is it a fertility clinic with sex selection capabilities?  performance art?  a movie on why everything went all VHS?  who or what ARE they, you ask?

Introducing:

Sarada - sexy mama/musical genius on the bass and vocals
Adam - pretty boy lyricist, playing both guitar strings and heart strings with his songs
Amol - triple threat on guitar, tabla and songwriting... and his facial expressions speak volumes, esp. to the ladies
Moni - she taps her foot like no other... and sings on occassion...

those are their words, not mine.  i'll tell you what went down, later...

if you're IN dc, you should come.  they go on at about 9:30pm.  :)

sweet and sour (but i love sour candy, so...)

i love this kid.  he consistently makes my day life.

AKintheUK: hey lady, hope you have a great weekend -ak

:+:

actually, my weekend is going to be INSANE. 

that reminds me-- if you haven't RSVP'd for the writing workshop on sunday, please do so soon.  I'm out of town starting Saturday morning, hence the Friday evening deadline for letting me know if you want one of the

four spots left. 

one of you is running a little marathon and THEN coming immediately afterwards, while 'm driving 600 miles in 25 hours in order to be back in time for this tupperware party-- the LEAST you can do is tell me you're coming by tomorrow...pretty PLEASE?  :)

the fall of the online empire

curses.

i chose a username for fotolog that commences with "S".  this means no one can leave me comments.  my guestbook is the unawailable.  this BLOWS.  when i'm blue, i love going back to where i was a year ago, and reading the captions and ESPECIALLY the comments.  it always cheers me a bit.  so much for that strategery.  :(

where's your venture money going, anyway fotolog?  and why is "S" the only letter affected?  is it just way more popular?

in other news, i'm kinda amazed (and sympathetic) at the number of other floggers who are part of the "S"-class:  sharonc, suddenlysusan, sixthone, scorps...those are some important fotologs, people.  can we say w/d???  yeesh.

when it rains, it fucking pours.  with this unwanted development, my entire "online" life is going to shit (oooh!  that starts with an "S", too!).  hey, what's one more disappointment?  haters here, there, everywhere, the demise of my greatest blogging accomplishment ever, betrayal by people who should know better...but wait. all of those issues are with BLOGS.  typepad, typepad, sepia whatever-it-is.

THIS is what i get for thinking to myself, "at least i'll have fotolog...at least that's fxning somewhat/a comfy community/a useful timesuck...i'll stick with that, to hell with the rest." 

HA.  everything is broken.  EVERYTHING.

"you know me"/anon...don't push me 'cause i'm close to the eddddge, i'm trying not to lose my head.  read:  you may get your wish after all.

so essentially, CENTENARIANS are healthier than i am...

111-Year-Old Ohio Woman Overcomes Pneumonia

POSTED: 1:05 pm EST March 2, 2005

JEFFERSON, Ohio -- Jean Waldron said she knows one thing for sure about her 111-year-old mother: she's determined. Researchers say Mary Margaret Dean-Smith is the oldest person in Ohio.

The determination described by her daughter likely helped Dean-Smith survive a bout of pneumonia last month...Dean-Smith was out of the hospital after four days and went back to the Jefferson Geriatric and Rehab Center, where she has lived for about four years.

Dean-Smith was born in 1893 in Pittsburgh. The Los Angeles-based Gerontology Research Group said she's the 30th-oldest person in the world.

LIVE Oscar blogging - the wisual edition!

Halle looks AWESOME-- perfect hair, lovely-coloured dress, lovely dress, period.

Best Dress Silhouette-  Renee Zellweger.  standing at the mike, with the bottom of her dress flaring so fabulously, she looked like one of those dolls that people collect...

are the girls they use as human "canes" (to snag people and drag them offstage) all 7' tall??

Drew looks fine, but older somehow.  it's jarring when she opens her mouth and her girly voice escapes.

Beyonce (song #1) has too much bling on-- the giant brooch on her dress is fine, it makes it more glam, but the dangling earrings AND the "dangling" bracelet are too much.  maybe it's also the amazing citrine eye-makeup; seeing it next to giant bauble-gems looks cluttered and amateurish.  something shiny from harry that sat on her ear unobtrusively  would've been better, IMO.

i don't like scarlet johansson in black, but i love that she's wearing red lipstick and jewels in her upswept hair. 

also, the dickhead in charge of the show, who decided to herd "lesser" oscar nominees on stage/in a balcony, to make it all go faster?  lame.  disrespectful.  the oscars deserved more.  we all did.

anyone want to shame spiral with me? no? thanks for nothing.

though i'm usually fairly anti- this holiday, my cold black heart showed signs of life this afternoon when a secret admirer shocked me and amused my entire department by sending me the most luscious roses ever...

those roses, which i can smell from four feet away, in turn caused me to feel all sweet and loving, hence the post below about my baby cousin at ucla.

i should have just left it at that-- good feelings, sweet memories of fat-cheeked baby boys toddling up to give me hugs, a pleasant sort of holiday... but nooooo, i can't be THAT logical and intelligent, can i?

(that was a rhetorical question, haters.)

so.

since i couldn't upload a very cute valentine on useless fotolog, inspiration struck and in response, i should have backhanded it.  gah. 

i sent my three fave valentines from the very talented jason to...oh, SEVENTY people i know.  except...when you "save as" from jason's awesome site, you just get the graphic, not the TEXT which consummates the entire sentiment. 

why didn't i test it out first?  you know, when you assume, you make an ASS out of you and not me-- i DID do a test-send.  except what i "tested" was the file that would end up being the middle valentine of the three, i.e. the ONLY one that turned out properly, with the accompanying text.  "the system works," i stupidly thought.

based on THAT misleading conclusion, i got carried away and impulsively, whimsically attached two other files/valentines.  two others WITHOUT ANY TEXT to explain their random weirdness and my apparent lunacy.

yes. 

exactly. 

are you warming your frosty hands at the fire emanating from my burning face?  good, glad i could help you out, you schadenfreude-spewing troll.

M-O-R-T-I-F-I-E-D, thy definition is me.

i should have sent them THIS:

 

t'would have explained EVERYTHING.

*whimper*

FYI- Fotolog hacked?

Let me perpetuate potential rumours for a minute:

"Fotolog admins have already said on thse message boards that they credit paying Gold Cam members when they experience loss of service. Right now it seems the site is recovering from some malicous geek who hacked and stopped the site this morning. Hope your Flog gets rolling soon."

wait, here's more:

Fotolog is being DDoSed ! Thats the true !!!!!

---

Hi,
I´m one of th(0s)e responsibles for the fotolog outages occoured at 09/02/2005 , at about 02:00 AM in that day we start an DDoS on fotolog NS servers aka dns1.fotolog.net and dns2.fotolog.net .. they got down ... we sent u an email tolding what we want ...

were gonna tell u again

we want /_fleur /luxurychick and /cristinamachado banned from fotolog forever

Now we re attacking again , but now its your site ... if u dont follow our exigences .. the attack will get bigger ... our country dont have cyberlaws .. dont mess with us ...we have a big floodnet ...

the attack will stop as soons as the...fotologs are desactivated

again .. we dont want your money .. we just want that ....

would ya looky here...i found even MORE:

If u ban those three ppl

/_fleur_
/luxurychick
/cristinamachado

the attacks will stop ...

well , i dont have a fotolog since those @#%$ admins banned it .. now i wanna revange ... if fotolog doesnt ban those members .. i will destroy them alll ....

:+:

international retards.  sigh.

who else misses xtc?

Dear G-d,

thank you so much for protecting my new coach purse that was chock full of pretty new 20s and platinum, not to mention one of the better driver's license pics of all time (so sayeth all the bouncers and bartenders...er...i mean...HR).

truly, i must be sicker than sick if i left it on my monitor before going home yesterday. we won't revisit how hanging it there in the first place was implemented as a method for preventing this exact cluster----, and i thank you for THAT generosity of omission as well.

i remember how insane i was this morning when i made myself (and my long-suffering carpool) late because i couldn't find her anywhere in my apartment. i remember the panic closing around what was left of my capacity to wheeze. i remember the vague, unmistakable terror that also could have been the frigid air outside my poshy posh building, come to think of it...

at the end of the car ride, i remember murmuring fervent prayers to you, even as my friend kindly handed me a crisp twenty (also prettily coloured, to match those potentially lost), so that i wouldn't starve today. "it's not the MONEY i'm worried about...it's the DL...and the PURSE! oh my heavens, the purse. the delectable new purse." i remember muttering fervent apologies to my patient friend after whining that useless bit of hysteria. yes, G-d. i am an ass. sigh. at least when i'm ungrateful, it occurs in blocks of seconds rather than hours or even years. i thank you for THAT progress, too.

anyway, early this wednesday, i walked to my desk filled with self-loathing and trepidation....and there it was. safe. filled with pretty cash, platinum and one lucky DMV pic. you came through, again, for the three-hundred-thousand, two-hundred and ninety-ninth time. :) like the good fake catholic i am, i promised that i would praise you from on high (read: via blog) if le bag was here on my desk this morning. et voila. my faith has made me "whole".

love,

me

p.s. also, thank you for this hilarious little video clip. i laughed so hard i coughed. then i choked. but it was still funny.

voting UPDATE!

 

THANK YOU!   :D

when i went to bed, i was in FIRST PLACE, ahead by 12 votes...you guys are fantastic!  i think "mr. dot net" galvanized his following, and that's how we are now tied.

today is the last day of the contest/the last day you can vote.  my timing leaves me underwhelmed, b/c i voted late last night, so i can't vote again until the same time tonight...and i won't be anywhere near me laptop then.  if all goes well, i'll actually be at church, before going to a very cool party that Ankur indirectly pointed me towards.  :)

anyway, i don't care what happens with this blog award; i'm still swooning over what andrea did for me yesterday.  truly, what on earth did i do, to deserve someone like her?   my new year's resolution is to be as kind, creative and loyal as her.  oh hell, my resolution is just to BE her.  ;)

you win some, you lose some

feels mostly like the latter, these days.  had an unpleasant round of emails regarding something very important to me yesterday.  serves me right for trying to be the "nice girl" and adulterate *my* emails with emoticons and levity...i thought if i kept things light-hearted, i'd alleviate the grumpy, toxic tone of things. 

ha.  i'm the one who ends up anxious and upset, b/c my sincerely inserted semi-colons and parenthetical slashes don't do shit.  even after the issue at hand was somewhat resolved, the internet missives kept flying, destroying my fragile equilibrium, tainting my very necessary privacy.  i guess my definition of resolved is inherently flawed.

why can't people just chill?  why on earth do they need to interrupt the one time of year some of us spend with family with quibbling and angst-spreading.  it's CHRISTMAS.  so what if you're not christian, some of us are and this is a very holy time.  it's a sacred enough period that it makes me take the concept of "christmas spirit" seriously.  "christmas spirit" makes me want to react to problems with kindness instead of negativity.  i wish everyone did. 

i fear that indians can't do anything together, b/c it always disintegrates.  as a community, i find that our ability to remain cohesive and our proclivity for telesis blows.  (who lives in a city with MORE than two jacobite churches?  raise your hands.) i feel like shaking people by the shoulders; sometimes anomalous, lame things happen, that doesn't mean that everything is awry.  there is a better way to address potential problems.  there always is.  there must be.

i have started to believe in the power of the "market".  for example, i try something on this blog, like a certain theme for posts or google's ads.  no one comments on the former or clicks on the latter.  i shrug and say, "lesson learned."  the converse is also true.  if people are commenting and doing so favourably, maybe the problem you're currently upset about isn't so much of a problem at all.  look externally for cues.  don't ignore them.  they may contain heed-worthy wisdom.

i want to ask everyone involved with this affair, whatever happened to the whole "go with the flow" sentiment which was espoused when we commenced it all?  i was the one who wanted things set in stone, but nooooo.  "let's just see how it turns out.  let's not be hampered by rules."  well, here's your fcuking unhampered turn out.  the person whose ire started it all has done things that i've violently disagreed with, yet for the greater good, i've accepted their forceful ideas, b/c i dutifully remembered the experimental tone that we initially set.  i sadly uncover that such flexibility is an illusion, it doesn't necessarily extend to me. 

the worst part is, i doubt that anyone is agonizing over this the way i am.  yes, i am sensitive and i take my projects seriously.  those can be gifts AND curses, depending on how you squint.  however, my agony is very real, no matter what you do with your eyelids; i JUST started sleeping again, for the first time in MONTHS.   so much for THAT blessed development. 

for the last two nights (ever since this aforementioned e-dialogue commenced) i've tossed and turned even AFTER taking a sleeper.  my anxiety is cresting.  my heart races.  i feel like just giving up, and saying "thanks guys, but no thanks."  i just don't feel like a valued or welcome voice anymore, and when that happens, something inside of me withers and dies.

death.

that has a little to do with all of this emotion i'm surfing, i think.  i'm consumed with death right now.  my father died at christmas.  i'm overwhelmed by him, he's in my dreams and these days especially, his words echo in my head.  i wade through a special and extra painful sort of melancholy right now.  six years is irrelevant.  this, too, shall not pass. 

such an enormous, eternal and genuine loss makes my anxiety over the necessarily-ambiguous issue above seem so unnecessary.  the epic, watery tragedy on the opposite side of the world commands me that life is too short to be so dramatically affected by that which upsets me. 

my peers weren't always receptive when i disagreed with them about things, things i had a right to feel concerned about.  fine, i thought, as i learned the hard way that  they can't hear me when i propose something.  perhaps they might hear me when i try and fix the complaints they raise, if i'm not imposing on them with my unwanted wishes?  right.  i know, i'm stupid.

i just want my dad.

i just want everyone to comprehend this; i wish the ache in the center of my chest would go away.

i just want peace: for me, for the emailing debaters, for everyone.

two ---> One.

i'm goin' to the chapel and i'm...gonna...watch my cousin get marrrrrried. :)

i'm off to ny (long island) for the weekend. ridiculous fotologs to follow, i'm sure.

p.s. did i mention that moms and sister are flying in for this huge event?

no? just did. ;)

.

be safe, all of you... :)

this is awesome

i love midnight oil, maybe not as much as some, but i do.

Midnight Oil singer wins Parliament seat

Oct. 9, 2004 | SYDNEY, Australia (AP) -- Former Midnight Oil singer Peter Garrett completed his transition from rock star to lawmaker Saturday, easily winning a seat for the Labor Party in Sydney.

...Garrett, a staunch environmentalist, said he was humbled that voters, particularly Labor supporters, had accepted him and he was ready to get to work.

The 51-year-old had long used Midnight Oil _ whose best-known songs include "Beds Are Burning" and "Blue Sky Mine" _ as a forum for his anti-nuclear, pro-Aboriginal rights political views. The band broke up in 2002 after 25 years.

the erstwhile "iron maiden" hath spoken.

dear jfk,

let me commence by snarking that your staff should've done a better job with the expectations game-- your opponent's underlings brought up your ivy-debate-queen-status constantly, and this is how he killed gore in 2000. oh well. too late for that crucial strategic move (oh, and fire the two people who wouldn't hire me btw). still, i hold no grudge against your tatti campaign--and yes, it does reek like yesterday's diahrrea-filled pampers. in fact i'm going to help you out, oh "brahmin" of a different variety.

this is what you need to do:

1) piss him off-- it's like kryptonite.

2) do NOT sigh, smirk or do anything you wouldn't want to see repeated ad infinitum on the cable channels.

3) keep it simple, brainiac. you are too wordy, and i would know something about that.

4) your entire subtext should be something along the lines of "we are SO not better off than we were four years ago". you must remain presidential while doing this-- you have to be courtly about it.

5) this is the For Pol debate; bring up iran and north korea-- both are way bigger threats that are being blithely ignored.

6) and don't forget the president's flip-flop on bin laden. that's huge, kid. pursuit and prosecution of the murderer of 3000 americans? oh right, what happened to that? it has been quietly pushed out of the headlines by the most phenomenal distraction tactic ever-- iraq. remind this nation that we have not avenged 9/11.

7) be witty, if possible. see: reagan, clinton.

8) do NOT get wonky on potus' ass.

9) let your pride go re: vietnam, that was then, this is IRAQ. gently shift focus to your opponent, if possible. political judo is something you should've been learning these last few months...

10) call him out on that btw, IRAQ is a SHIT-HOLE-QUAGMIRE-OF-DOOM. soldiers die in vain; children seeking candy were slaughtered today. we have made a mess, and your opponent's fingerprints be all over that isht.

11) see if you can get him to bring up the draft, rhetorically.

12) establish yourself as the one w/the plan; he got us in this mess, he's not qualified to get us out.

13) don't let him define you or put you on the defensive tonight. this is IT. you're the underdog. start fucking acting like it. you've let him control the game for far too long, when this campaign should've been beyond easy for you. step up, officer. it's time.

with guarded affection and glittery my little ponies,

anna

..................................................................................

i've been writing and re-writing this entry over and over in my head-- this is what i ended up stuttering out. i do need a break, don't i? this isn't even 10% of the brilliance i was crafting mentally.

sigh.

how am i? linky, thank you for asking.

you want updates? i wrote a little something on HERstory last night. if that doesn't sate ye minnows hungry for entertainment via my sadness, i'll try and heal faster (anyone have any emotional neosporin that i may borrow?)...j/k.

sometimes, getting away from this computer and the mean-spirited emails and messages i inevitably receive is the healthiest thing that i can do for myself. please don't think that i've forgotten you though-- i walk through my day with a healthy amount of guilt for not posting for my loyal readers. i miss all of you. and yes, i'm feeling better by the day, thank you for asking, thank you for praying for it.
.
.
.

today:

this made me outraged.

this made me cringe (even as i agreed with the inventor's opinion that my box of playtex really *does* look like benadryl is included with every batch).

this was brought to my attention by someone who is aware of my hysterically irritated rxn to anyone who says "in" versus "and". (it's pet-peeve number 3a, right after hypocrisy and stupidity).

p.s. this made me cackle. (if you liked my last "this", then...this...is...for you...okay, i should go now. that's all the wit [ha!] that i can muster, and now that i'm bracketing while stating something parenthetically, that is a sure sign of pitiable confusion. or manifestations of multiple personalities interrupting themselves. or something. gah, i'm going!)

must...go...to...gym.

lest all of you think i'm an avid and willing gym bunny, let me disabuse you of such myth. i spent a week on vacation, didn't work out once, and am now finding it uber-difficult to motivate and get to the gym. (going to bed at 6:30am and waking before noon isn't helping my cause, either)

it's like starting over, when you have to overcome lackadaisical proclivities and excuses in order to get yourself to work out. sigh. i know that in a few weeks, i'll be planning my life around kickboxing (which commences in just 17 minutes), but right now, i'm all "bleh".

my lack of car is not helping matters at ALL. le sick civic is no longer mine, now that mummy's mercedes is DONE. she has my car, and walking in this oppressive valley heat makes me just cringe my barely-healed-from-last-month's-sunburn skin. sigh. i thought this might help some of you, b/c you occasionally comment that you're impressed w/my discipline. ha.

the only reason i'm going is b/c i ORIGINALLY thought the class was at 4:30, and i didn't look at the clock until 4:22, when i realised that i wouldn't make it on time...and got depressed and disappointed in myself. the regret made me understand that i actually DID want to go, and i was minorly thrilled when i examined the gym schedule and saw my hour-long "reprieve" (which is vanishing by the second). i made some iced coffee to get hyper, and prepared to go.

i soooo want to watch democratic convention coverage instead...

sigh. i'm going to change in to kicky clothing. amelie-freak, your set list is the atomic bomb. the rest of you? get political, there's a screen shot on my flog that y'all should see and think about.

i'm not pretty unless i get to sleep until noon, assholes

aaaaaaaaaaack. i went to bed relatively "early" for me (3am), but to what end? i was awake at 7:30am. why? WHY?

BECAUSE.

mortgage brokers want my mom. and they call. incessantly. wasn't there some law passed against this? omg. i'm so miserable right now...when i don't get enough sleep AND you wake me up this early, i puke. SWEET.

besides hating on Centex and American Mortgage, i'll dish 5% of the blame on my fickle mother, who WANTED to refinance a few months ago. i'm sure she somehow invited this hoarde of excessively pushy mortgage morons to heap woe upon my head. i'm sure of it!

me= "we don't want a mortgage, please don't call, thank you." next one gets me blistering. and i'll make sure i remember to post the convo (best stenographer west of the mississippi, according to my boy joel.) mortgages. refinancing. yeah. whatever. mortgage THIS, bastards. gah.

yeah, yeah, yeah...i know, i'm a month late, but STILL

a few of you know that i applied for a certain hill job today (to work for a SENIOR california dem)...and if you didn't know that, now you do. but most of you know nothing about washington or politics b/c you're all engineers, and that's the way, uh-huh uh-huh i liiiiiike it.

anyway, b/c you're so far outside the beltway you favour suspenders, y'all are always looking at me like i'm a G.D. liar whenever i discuss meager, miniscule, smaller-than-the-genitalia-of-those-who-hate-me DC salaries.

for example, the job i just applied for two hours ago pays about $25-27k, even though it's more important than the one in the excerpt below. yes, even if i have a graduate degree. yes, i'm not exaggerating for effect (who ME?). it's true, for the billionth time, you DON'T MAKE SHIT if you work in DC; no one works on the hill for the money. it's the glamour, the power, the everything BUT money. still, you have to live, and my mom never believed me when i told her that parents subsidise everyone's rent. since her disbelief = no cash, i had to be industrious. why the hell do you think i was a bartender? for the obligatory tight black tee/diesel jean uniform? the heady ego-rush of throwing indian bitches out my club? the pragmatic joy of knowing every bouncer on or around 18th street?

well, okay. maybe all of that. but it was MOSTLY b/c i was trying to pay my fucking $750/mo rent in georgetown. i was slightly bitter that all these rich twats were merrily carousing about DC, rent and allowance paid regularly, while my student loans were near default...and i often darkly wondered how the fuck everyone made ends meet. well, enter this fun little blog, which i discovered as i was playing with my "blog chalk" (the ponytail'd thing at the top right of this page):

I got a raise today!
by washingtonienne on May 14, 2004 04:32PM (EDT)

I got a raise today! Now I make $25K.

(Wasn't that what I was making before??)

Most of my living expenses are thankfully subsidized by a few generous older gentlemen. I'm sure I am not the only one who makes money on the side this way: how can anybody live on $25K/year??

If you investigated every Staff Ass on the Hill, I am sure you would find out some freaky shit. No way can anybody live on such a low salary. I am convinced that the Congressional offices are full of dealers and hos.

ha. i fucking KNEW it. now if you'll excuse me, i've got to call upon my erstwhile brown interns who are still on the hill to see if anyone knew this slag. she's hilarious. i almost like her. even if she takes it in the ass, she seems whip smart about making the world her bitch.

ode to an erstwhile shmoopie

i remember being floored when ------ linked to me on his blog; i was already half-smitten with his bad-assness and that sealed it...it was like being back in high school, and having one of the popular kids say "hi" to you in front of everyone. i reciprocated, and nursed happy memories of north beach and li'l jon impersonations that were even better than the real thing.

then ------ dropped me from his blogroll...and it hurt, but i got over it. who am i to ----- anyway? no one. a potentialy unwanted guest to be tolerated once, out of love for his best friend who wanted to include her in their plans one night. but it stung, and now i know why: it whispered that this was a commencement of a process, that more rejections would follow.

i chose not to believe such voices.

then, my number of friendsters changed...and i thought to myself, "friendster is sooo beta!" my testimonials dropped by two, and i rolled my eyes at jonathan abram's unreliable offspring.

but this singular time, it wasn't unreliable, or beta, was it?

the last time i had any contact with you i wept b/c of circumstance; i chose to open a door with another, terrified that it would close a different door with you, though you tried valiantly to assure me it wouldn't. you almost make me regret the choice i made, b/c your reaction means that i paid an unbearably steep cost for my current happiness. maybe, during that conversation that happened weeks ago, deep within, i knew the magnitude of my loss and that is why i wept until exhaustion. this time i merely cry. do tears lose their shock value if their volume isn't as impressive? if the sobs aren't so violent? i don't know. i only know this:

it's kind of heartbreaking to lose someone dear.

:(

dear indian boys everyfuckingwhere...i'm not feeling it, son.

sigh.

> Sanjay wrote:
> > I need your help!
> >
> > I just moved here from Miami,FL and don't really know anyone in the area. I work for Carnival
> > Cruise Lines, so I travel quite a bit. I don't work on the ships, I'm in executive sales. My
> > territory for what I do encompasses Monterey, CA, where you live, and all of the south Bay
> > Area. You seam like a pretty kewl girl...and I was wondering if you have any attractive,
> > single, and fun friends like yourself that are interested in meeting someone?

Anna wrote:
> hello :)
>
> all of my friends are married...sorry. :)
>
> thanks for writing though...and good luck! you'll love the bay area, it's heaven.
>
> ~anna
>
> anna.typepad.com
> www.fotolog.net/suitablegirl

Alright, forget about them...what about you?

good lookin out, anyways !

Well if you hear of any divorces or...wait na never mind...have a good one..and thanks!

S

"It is an infantile superstition of the human spirit that virginity would be thought a virtue and not the barrier that separates ignorance from knowledge." ~ Voltaire

Study Finds That Teenage Virginity Pledges Are Rarely Kept
By LAWRENCE K. ALTMAN

Published: March 10, 2004

ILLADELPHIA, March 9 — Among teenagers who pledged not to have sex before marriage, a majority did not live up to their vows, according to a national study reported here on Tuesday. The teenagers also developed sexually transmitted diseases at about the same rate as adolescents who had not made such pledges...

...Of the 12,000 teenagers included in the federal study, 88 percent of those who pledged chastity reported having had sexual intercourse before they married, Dr. Bearman said at a scientific meeting in Philadelphia on preventing sexually transmitted diseases.

The researchers tested the participants for three common sexually transmitted infections — chlamydia, gonorrhea and trichomoniasis — and found that the rates were almost identical for the teenagers who took pledges and those who did not.

Yet the teenagers who had taken pledges were less likely to know they had an infection, raising the risk of their transmitting it to other people, said Dr. Bearman and Hannah Brückner of Yale University, the other author of the report...

hmmm.

so the clueless kids who sign the virginity pledges that our current administration pushes:

1) break that pledge in massive numbers
2) are just as filthy (read: diseased) as regular old whores and whoremongers
3) are MORE of a danger to themselves and everyone else--whores and whoremongers included-- b/c:

a) they are clueless and don't seek treatment for their previously uptight, virgin selves
b) therefore give the gift that keeps on giving out of their sheer ignorance of (sexual) etiquette.

bravo, mr. bush. bravO.

FINALLY! a fresh fotolog for flog-philes is finished.

you may see the other pictures here. enjoy.