A N N A J O H N ' S D I A R Y

if you're in DC and you don't come, i'll cry. maybe.

Brown Writer's Workshop (aka Kahani DC)
This SATURDAY, MARCH 19.  1pm - 3ish.

Our next get-together is THIS weekend, which is convenient if you're feeling like you missed out on the last workshop (you so did).

It will be a casual writing environment, so you don't need to prepare a story in advance, unless you were one of the two kind souls who agreed to do so back in february.

Don't stress or think about anything besides how satisfying it will be to obliterate your writer's block.

We'll do inspiring creative writing exercises, so bring your no.2 pencils OR your laptops, if you are doctor-level-sloppy with penmanship. (Hint: laptops are a great idea if you later want to cheat and post your scribbling to your blog) :)


Venue = one block from the Metro--Orange line.

I'll tell you where it is when you RSVP...awww, it's just like a rave from 15 years ago! :D

Speaking of, you should RSVP by calling/emailing/AIMing/sending a flaming arrow with note attached by Friday the 18th. Thank youuuuuu.  :)

get well card in haiku

oh, john abraham...

take better care of all that

hotness, would you please?

.

From Rediff.com:

John Abraham sustained minor injuries during the shooting of Karan Johar's production, Kaal, near the famed Jim Corbett National Park in Ram Nagar, Kumaon, Uttaranchal.

...John was injured when he fell down during a shot on November 22.

the funny thing is, i don't even follow bollywood. i heard about john abraham via Fster, from some 16-year old's gushing profile where she declared her eternal lust for him. i googled him, and immediately understood why. so what if i've never seen one of his phil-ims? he's on my team! and even if he wasn't, look at them ABS!!

the doctors, they HATE me

IndianDating.com Contact Message:
---------------------------------------------------------

FROM : doctor_hrishi@fakeemail.com
TO : Your profile: "dime"
SUBJECT : Hi !
ATTACHED PHOTO: None

hey there, hows it goin.....i just read your profile, i'm pleasantly surprised to say the least.....i'm not even remotely interested in you (i do beleive we are poles apart), but i thought i'll let you know that i think you're one hell of a girl, i wish you luck and the very best, ciao!

hrishi

You can view their profile at:
http://www.IndianDating.com/profiles/view_profile.cfm?i=&pid=178082
.
.
.

:)
sorry, what was that LS? i'd make "the ultimate doctor's wife"? ha.

now i adore GMail MORE!

who has GMail? i do! i have two, in fact. :D

i love it, and i will go on record saying that it's the best email ever. i know several of you have it, and b/c of that, i thought i'd share some link about stuff you can add to it...i found it whilst surfing recently updated brown blogs, a blog i am currently mad at, b/c it refuses to list me, even though i wrote them very nicely. i have a sneaking suspicion they are discriminating against ABCDs. gah. just say so, and don't waste me time, matey.

anyway, before i deleted the rude person's link to newly updated blogs forever, i decided to click on three different blogs, just to be random; the first two blew, the last one was this one, from someone nice named Nilesh. :)

he had a bunch of GMail tools, and i present my two favourites here (by the by...these are his words, not mine. i feel like putting them in quotes or something, since i straight up copied the following bullets):

- G-Mailto: Sets Gmail as your default mail program in Windows. So when you click on a mailto:// url, your favourite web browser will open up a page with Gmail's Compose window. Pretty nifty.

-GTray: Windows system tray notifier for new Gmail mail.

enjoy. :)

concomitant joy and smirking amusement

omg, i cannot possibly concoct shit like this to entertain me...nor can i scrape the smug hater-eating grin off my fucking face. SUCK IT, mallu-boy haters. i found the boy of my dreams, and he rocks my bleeding world! so long, brown dating drama and disappointment; just as i had suspected all along, my belowed was out there and HE found ME.

oh yes, note to self: must delete or otherwise neutralise "dime" like i did with "suitablegirl", so that these wanna-be sarcastic fucks know that hunting season for this bird is OVER. yay!!! :D

IndianDating.com Contact Message: ---------------------------------------------------------

FROM : funnyguy@nypd.com
TO : Your profile: "dime"
SUBJECT : you have the greatest profile i have ever seen
ATTACHED PHOTO: None

hey,

the names ________,i'm 28, live and work as a cop in NYC i printed your profile because i have implemented it into my daily planner in life and made wallet-sized verions just to keep me on my toes. when i respond to domestic disturbances i advise the paternal side of possibilities and remedies via your
profile. i wish could say check out my profile, but although i am a grammer and spelling champion (all state in NY and CT) i failed miserably in your......:possibly all catagories. who cares i write back because i cant imagine any guy who would write to you.

let me know of any updates or revisions to your profile so that i may make the appropriate changes to my pda, desktop, laptop, fridge, locker door, and the tattoo on my chest.

thanx
__________

so sorry if the lack of caps and proper punctuation made your blood boil...have a nice day.

You can view their profile at:
http://www.IndianDating.com/profiles/view_profile.cfm?i=&pid=185221

moms is a straight hater, yo

"that's why i won't do anything in india-- no way...there's too much DRAMA."

~ anna's mother on weddings and whatnot.
and yeah, that quote is VERBATIM

just when i thought i'd have to be single for another week...

yes, please.

IndianDating.com Contact Message:
---------------------------------------------------------

FROM : someone fantastic
TO : Your profile: "dime"
SUBJECT : now that you've scared the hell out of me...
ATTACHED PHOTO: None

with the stern warnings (sometimes even capitalized for emphasis!), i'm going to go against better judgement and try to persuade you as to why it's worth taking a couple moments with my profile.

bah, who am i kidding! i'm writing you only b/c of the promise of sharing grey goose. haha. oh, and you had a great profile. one of the best i've seen. fine, probably the best. i'm going to f@#!ing shoot myself if i read one more, "i like to go dancing one night and have a blockbuster night the next!" well, that's funny. we just might get along since "i like to shoot heroin one night and smoke crack the next!"

you've got a great vibe going on and it's one i could groove with- i think. i'm pretty picky too but you seem to be a sweet combination of being sharp and cosmopolitan which is something i really appreciate. and your energy is insanely appealing though i'm pretty sure i can drive faster than you and bake
better cookies. but i do still eat trans-fat laden goldfish. yum.

anyways, i shouldn't babble on too longer. i'd be happy to write more and try to charm you with some witty banter but i think my profile serves as a pretty fair introduction. maybe you're so completely far out of my league that i'm violating one of your regulations without even knowing it. ay-yi-yi.

best of luck. and even if you blow me off (boo-hoo), send me your blog links. i get the feeling you really let loose there. and thank you, thank you, thank you for entertaining me and giving at least a glint of hope there's some interesting brown women out there for me.

cheers,
fatmango

ps. i admit i'm not malayalee or christian but my peeps are southie and my mom makes us go to mass regularly- even at the vatican sometimes. good story i'll share later. well, hopefully.

You can view their profile at:
http://www.IndianDating.com/profiles/view_profile.cfm?i=&pid=244187

damn it, now i can never bitch that "white guys don't find me attractive." gah!

from my browndating.com inbox...more amusement. especially when you consider that the all-important list that the white devil is referencing stated clearly that i wanted a spelling champion. ;) i'm also very turned on by people who are so lazy, they can't ctrl-c/ctrl-v a phrase they find foreign, i.e. "Malayalee" so that it's spelled properly...but if he was too lazy to spell-check his email in the first place or google "malayee" then i shan't be surprised. google, people, google! i don't just rock the gear b/c i am dating it. i BELIEVE in the amazing opportunity for empowerment that THAT little search box provides. you wouldn't go to an interview without googling the company and your interviewer, would you? how the fuck is this any different? google things that puzzle you, damn it!

in all fairness, the man skewered below had no chance. if i WERE an omnivore, i'd like my meat well-done. pink is for dress shirts, not dinner. eeek. if you aren't following my analogy or if you are new to my online empire, i'll be blunt; i don't find white guys attractive (with a few notable exceptions...a certain southern lawyer in "a time to kill" definitely makes my abnormally low-all-the-time temperature rise).

so. why do i post these embarassing missives? why dear readers, so that you may one day have a mere chance with an impossible-to-please wench like me, i mean, it's instructive, isn't it? ;) after all, i'm not the only obnoxious, frisky female with high standards out there! maybe i also post them b/c this really is my diary, and therefore i have the right to post whatever i feel like when it strokes my massive ego, even if it's sloppy. :) why, when i think of all the entertainment i've received from this website, i'm amazed that it was free. good times. y'all should get a profile of your own! :p then YOU can get fun email like this TOO!

FROM : ek nyc gora
TO : Your profile: "dime"
SUBJECT : greetings from manahatta

Hi. That is truly an impeccable list that you've prepared. I've read it carefully. Frankly, I wouldn't have thought someone who created such a list would be 'low maintenace', but for now I'll certainly accept your word, although you must realize there is some irony in that. SO, I meet most all of those requirements, save one which is the indian caste group, b/c i'm not Indian. Thus you would have to switch teams to join me. This has its advantages, e.g. i can't technically give you 'any desi BS', and i can't be a mix of east and west, unless you consider that i live in nyc and grew up in chicago, which is west of here. And my team of one is a really strong one and I need a co-captain, to carry the analogy one step too far...

You might wonder what attracted me to you besides the incredible list, the looks (call me shallow), and a total abundance of personality!? Well, I love NPR and the BBC, and have found so few women who do... so I'm impressed. Shall we say I'm positively inclined toward your intellect. I need a rather razor sharp, fast
woman to keep up with me. A woman who knows and actually cares what's going on around her... You seem to be that, or are you just a chimera?

So I gather that you're from NYC. How did you end up out there? miss it here? if you're not chill how can you possibly fit in in northern cali? I'm doing some deals in SF and was actually out there last week, a shame I didn't stumble across you earlier...

Please explain something: Although I've been surrounded by Indians since college, and in fact a number of Christian indians, most were catholic, and goan, but i don't remember any mention of 'malayee' so i'm very curious as to what that says about you, or doesn't.

SO what are you reading right now? i'm reading 5 or 6 books right now including the new paul auster book, devil in the white city, the john adams biography, and talking to myself...

Ok i could say much more, but for now I've attached a pic (i'm 6ft and athletic, although i what qualifies as an athlete? do you really want an ex pro football player? somehow i doubt it... but i'm in great shape, for what it's worth). Write more if you're interested. I promise you won't be disappointed.

SCB

and you WONDER why i'm not married yet...

TO : Your profile: "dime"
SUBJECT : Matrimonial
ATTACHED PHOTO: None

Hi there

I would like to send my detail biodata information please send me e-mail ramesh_usa@___.____
or
call me @732 xxx xxxx.

I would be appreciated if you could be send me your detail information.

Bye,
Ramesh

.........................................................

my profile is severely specific. it makes boys cry, it's so harsh. but that abrasive, vituperative essay also filters out 99% of the declasse, unwashed masses, yearning to get in my knickers for the rest of what would surely be my unfortunate life.

i state in blistering, acidic terms that i am only interested in x, y and z. that if they are a, b or c then any and especially all of those are dealbreakers. THIS clueless moron violates every one of my fucking rules.

sigh. maybe i need to put a grosser picture up? i think that shot of me in pigtails and vintage playclothes that the captain termed "impish enough to justify wading through all of THAT" is just too fucking alluring. or something. i will say this; i will happily remain ALL ALONE before i marry ramu or any of his oblivious peers. eeek.

i'm coming out of the closet; i used an online dating site and LIVED TO TELL ABOUT IT!

though i'm not using it for its intended purpose (i don't think its creators had me laughing maniacally at sad indian boys and their pathetic form letters in mind when they developed it) every once in a while, i will log on to browndating dot com to get my weekly dose of comedy and hate mail. i once saved all of the best messages and wrote a short story with them...b/c there's just so much material BEGGING to be mocked and made in to something useful. anyway.

i like friendster more than this site when it comes to online meat marketing, but letters like this (which i get once every few months) aren't too shabby...

Dime,

Wow, you are hilarious.

As a fellow New Yorker, I completely understand your aversion to bullshit. I love 'em, but Californians are experts when it comes to bullshit. Well, I'm not Malalayee, but I am Christian, so I know I'm not your type and thus won't get a reply, but why not try. I live in San Diego now, and just got my Master's in Bioengineering. I will be going to Berkeley for my PhD in the fall, but will probably move to the Bay Area soon. I'm from the New York suburbs originally, but moved out to California 3 years ago for grad school. I love the laid back lifestyle here, but have retained my East Coast sarcasm and wit...I'm not going to say much more (that would just give me the opportunity to break one of the rules), but I will say that I am intrigued...

i've actually made no less than eight friends in the last year thanks to that site...which is far more than i got from the big F. one of these eight is especially dear to all of you who ogle: the triathlete who designed the interval training/EFA schedule that shredded me solidly and dropped me from my plateau'd 24% to 20. so all in all, i'd say my alliance with this odd little url has added value to my life...and lines to my abs. ;)