Main | October 2003 »

September 2003

a millionaire in the best possible way :)

can i just be a massive dork and admit that i am vaguely excited by my proximity to the "1,ooo,ooo" mark on friendster?

as of 30 seconds ago, the following words were on my "main page"...


You are connected to 997,256 people in your Personal Network through 133 friends.

and yes, i WILL be sending out one of those gleeful, annoying, mass-posted declarations of popularity via the bulletin board feature, when i hit my magic number. i have yet to abuse, er use the bulletin board...i'm a friendster b.b. virgin...so i have been saving myself...for THIS...hey, at least i saved myself for *something* :)

come out, come out, whoever you are...

okay. something has been on my mind for these last few days, and i now realise that i have to resort to a public sort of appeal/confession.

let me commence this post by stating that i'm almost at a loss for words, and as you may guess, this is a rare state for me to be in...what has brought me to this strange, ambiguous point? a comment that one of you wrote. i put up a silly, frivolous post-- would someone please send their gulfstream? -- and someone responded by writing an amazing bit of prose about...me. i read their story and i was floored. it was insightful, detailed and the ultimate sort of flattery.

i had my suspicions as to who my mystery "fan" was...but i was wrong...and wrong again...and as of today, wrong a third time. so i give up. who wrote this? you are KILLING me...softly...with your thoughtful, creative stalking.


an excerpt:

Why I love Anna – a short story by Far-Real

First let me clarify – I am not in love with OB-vious anna, or AB-ulous anna (not that I would kick either out of bed), but I am in love with THE anna...I am in love with the anna that uses her words like precise colors to dot a canvas in exactly the right formation…the color of the sky is the color of the sky because anna made it that way when she wrote about it on her BLOG (her what?). I think anna would understand that if you are going to do something ridiculous and over the top, then it should be RIDICULOUS and OVER THE TOP…and if you are only going to do it once in your life, it should be for something that is worth it… so here goes
I live 3 “clicks” from anna, but I only “met” her yesterday, and she has haunted me ever since...Nay, I was consuuuuuuuumed. I began to think of my life with an anna in it. I emailed all 23 friends on my friendster page, and immediately informed them of the M.A.M. (Make Anna Mine) Foundation, and hit them up for donations...

Just like Heaven

darling philip daniel,

late last night, i was uploading pictures of you to my flog, imagining witty replies on your behalf, that were worthy of your gorgeous expressiveness.

an apparition loomed in the distant corner of the family room. it was your mother, my beautiful best friend Fides, alabaster skin aglow, looking at me. she beckoned, "come, come!" and i threw down my precious vaio, without care to how it bounced on my coffee table. "what's wrong?" my heart ended up in my throat, a place it has grown accustomed to being, since you came in to my life. my heart raced and i was by her side in a flash..."what!"

she smiled that serene sweetness that made me think of my favourite statue of the blessed virgin and took me by the hand in to the guest room. "come watch him sleep." my heart dropped back in to its rightful place and i happily walked around the Rice Bed to peer at you, nestled between my pillows snugly. my white down comforter floated above your perfect legs like a cloud; how apposite, considering you are our little angel baby. one of your pudgy hands grasped the seam of my comforter so fiercely, baby nails digging in to feather, your delectable knuckles reduced to pindots on the back of your luxurious little hand. i was lost in those dimples, one, two, three, four.

you are four months old, and yet your grip on my comforter, my finger or the neckline of my dress is ferocious. where does all of that strength come from, angel baby? you weigh all of 15 pounds, my little pudgesicle, and yet four of the tiniest fingers i've ever seen can grip my heart like a vise. i find it so poignant that though you are tiny and helpless, you are able to pull up blankets when you need warmth; i take this as validation of your sublime potential...already you are fending for yourself, in a small way, in this big world.

your other arm stretches out like the hand of God on its way to David, and my breath catches on the elegance of your finger, pointing at what darling? what do you dream of that makes your lips pout and then round to a perfect shocked "O". you are kicking your cloud, but it loves you and like all of us, wants to be near you, so it hovers, as all good goose down comforting clouds should, over your delicious legs. i smile a wide smile and murmur, "that's my boy." and your mother looks up at me, eyes round and filled with love for you..."what's that?" she whispers, and i pull away your cloud, temporarily. your timing is perfect, godson, for as soon as i do, your right leg unfurls a mighty kick that makes your entire body shake. i grow smug and i grab your flawless ankle.

"he has a FOOT. this one is playing soccer. for sure."

she smiles at me indulgently and laughs as she points to her successful midsection, and i remember how when you were inside her, i thought you were the thing from alien, what with the way you made her body move from all your kicking. how could i have been so weirded out by that, when it was the very ankle i was holding last night that was causing such commotion? i shake my head at my own stupidity.

you turn your head, and your abundant cheek smashes against the mattress, an ample pillow for your blessed face. your lips are made in to a rosebud by this, and i am simply overwhelmed. you don't seem real. you are too amazing, too powerful, surely you are divine. your body looks as if you were cast in marble, your skin gives off such an eternal sort of glow. i am mesmerized again by your arm, so white against my red sheets. red is the colour of fortune, i remind myself, and the next time i blink, i briefly ask God to shower you with every good and perfect thing you obviously deserve.

the velocity of your dream is too much for you to bear and your head whips over, your arms stretch out and up, and your legs kick out froggily. i am using every cell in my body to refrain from grabbing you and clutching you to me, to comfort you and protect you from the monsters in your dreams. your legs extend completely, toes pointed, every muscle clenched, and your arms wave aimlessly. how it aches to not snatch you up, in your dream you are searching for one of us to hold you and we both are here...but you need your sleep angel baby. i think my heart is going to break. your eyelids flutter and i will you back to the land of nod. the fury has passed; your arms drop, slack, and your legs bend back to their natural curve. you are spent, and you exhale to emphasize it.

i have just noticed how you breathe. my zen instructors would hold you up as a model of proper breathing, little one. you fill your little buddha tummy with air and send it out completely. your precious, amazing stomach is so plump and it grows plumper with every breath you take. your pale, daffodil-coloured onesie stretches with your exertion, and i can't help myself. i rest my right hand on your tummy, to feel you breathe. you are radiating heat. this is what i love most about you. you get so hot when you sleep, "sweaty boy!" your mom forever exclaims...but i am transported to another time, another bed, and another sweaty baby who is not a boy.

i am four, and she is six months old. she is sleeping. i poke her. she stirs. i poke her again. our mom wearily tells me to stop bothering her. "my sister," i murmur, and give her a serious poke. veena, you are such a fat, pudge-alicious kid, your stomach begs for pillsburys. your eyes fly open, and as they commonly do, they cross for a moment before you focus properly and see me. your lips curl up, and you smile your liquid fuschia smile as your damp hair frames your face in steamy curls. i notice this, that every time you sleep, you blush and get so hot, and your head gets all sweaty. years later, you will come home from high school at Rio, and you will be exhausted from being one of the most popular girls at school, you will be drained after running meetings and playing tennis, and you will pass out on the family room floor, in front of the TV. cheeks still fat and flushed, i kneel down and peer over your shoulder at your peachy face. your hair no longer curls, but when i touch my index finger to your cheek it still burns. "stop bothering your sister", our mom will admonish. and i will get up, and feel foolish. i once took a picture of you sleeping, on the floor like that, face serene, in perfect repose. you are 16, and forever frozen in your dream. the picture is tucked in to my mirror, on my dresser upstairs.

this memory is almost more than i can stand, and i suddenly love my godson with an intensity that fills every crack in my tattered, worn out old heart. when i watch this baby sleep, my life, my worries recede completely. i don't dwell on the horror of the current administration, i don't worry about whether or not i should go to law school, i don't pine for world peace. when i watch this baby sleep, the world quiets to a blissful stillness and there is nothing but love, everywhere, touching everything. it doesn't matter that my life has sucked, or that someone broke my heart last year. in fact, as i notice how old and tired my tanned summer hand looks on your delicate chest, the epiphany washes over me, that he, before he broke my heart, he was a baby just like this. that his mother looked at him with even more tenderness. that his hair also curled perfectly, his lips were also gentle curves of bliss, that his feet kicked just as powerfully, because indeed, he grew up to be quite a soccer player.

i gently remove my hand and trace a line from your heart to your "foot", which moves slightly because of my embrace. did she hold his foot like this, and marvel at his toenails, no bigger than glitter...did she know that those feet would grow, and flatten and wear the wrong shoes to play basketball in at basketball city. that they would run through central park, propel him across a tennis court, walk him to his office in Rock Plaza and then bring him back home to me. how could she have known, as she grasped his perfect little ankle, that it would later have tendonitis and that in another twenty-seven years, his then girlfriend would lovingly try to rub the pain away. suddenly i understand why mothers hate their son's partners. i don't want to lose my angel baby to another girl either...what if she doesn't love him enough? what if she casts a spell, what if she hurts him? the epiphany grows and fills my thoughts. i mentally forgive every mom who gave me dirty looks for dating their son. i understand, i nod. i get it.

my pudgesicle tries to kick again, away from the ankle bracelet of my right thumb and forefinger, and my thoughts float back to soccer. yes, you will play philip daniel, you and this "foot". you will play, and i will be there and my heart will crack from all the joy of watching this foot rocket a soccer ball past a goalie's grasping fingers.

i lean over, and kiss the sole of your foot, and with that brush of my lips, my own soul drops the painful shackles of regret over last year, over love stolen, over missed opportunities. we are all someone's baby. i must remember this lesson you have so graciously taught me, little buddha. someone gazed at him, in Connecticut twenty-seven years ago with the same liquid brown eyes i behold you with right now. the parallel is so powerful that i tremble from my realisation. she loved him the way i love you. he was perfection once too...

may you always have peace, and happiness and goodness. may your life be a thousand times better than mine. but i know deep down, that you will know your own pain, and your own regret. and as i kiss your cheek a final time, and let go of my own pain, i start a karmic circle that will guarantee forgiveness for you someday, for you will surely break hearts. i inhale the heavenly perfume of your curls, the way someone else did twenty seven years ago with another perfect little boy, and i want to cry tears of gratitude, for loving you has granted my soul true freedom.

i love you always,

Anna

a FIRST for Herstory. :)

omg! i made it on to google! someone googled "penis cut off boy" and my tale of mitsubishi-destroying, indian boy-spanking, my RED CIVIC issues a smack down was the TENTH item! WHEEEEE! that means i was on the main page! i'm FAMOUS. :) my favourite search engine, my favourite blog post, so happy togetherrrrr.

wait a second...why would someone google that? ick.

whatever, i'll take attention wherever i get it. PR is PR, right jattist?

would someone please send their gulfstream?

we all know that i miss new york.  we all know that i adore diesel. now i can be doubly miserable. NK, if your offer still stands, december 13th and st. patrick's cathedral work for me...whatever it takes darling, to get me back to my fair city.  ;)

to the indian boy with the tiny penis

yeah, YOU motherfucker. in the black eclipse, 7:45 pm, highway 99 south at mack road. you were in front of me and you wouldn't move. no worries, son. you can go 70 in the passing lane if you want to...when i'm in a good mood, i don't give a fuck what other people do. and what a mood i was in; black francis crooning "levitate me" , sunroof open to let in the california dusk that looked as if it had been painted by gaugin, five minutes from home on a friday night, after a week of exhausting overtime. i was on my way to the gym to run and do abs and i was thrilled to be alive. i didn't do anything to commence this little bit of humiliation that you suffered; YOU brought it on yourself.

without even paying attention to you i overtook you, respectfully. i did not cut you off, i didn't care that you existed. but you. YOU. you can break every rule of common courtesy on the road, but heaven forbid someone else wants to get in front of you. suddenly, your stunted right foot discovered the accelerator. you got heated. you flashed your brights. this was a minor irritation, like an ant crawling up your leg on a radiant summer day. flick it off and move on. in front of you, i raised my right hand gracefully, as evocative as a bharatnatyam movement, wrist at a philosophical 90 degrees as if to ask "what can you do?" i thought that would be the end of it.

i went back to the pixies and thought of seinfeld, since i had been running around on a completely empty tank, like kramer and the car salesman did. i understood a bit of their exhilaration and i was not paying attention to you. so you gunned your piece of shit, bottom-of-the-line eclipse. you pulled up next to me...and you flipped me off. whatever, assclown. i am the zen padwan. the force was with me. you cannot ruffle my fine-ass feathers. i knew you wanted to overtake me and i didn't give two shits. you, after all, are inconsequential. you also drive a mitsubishi. i felt pity for your sad life. zero down, zero interest, zero payments for a year to match a zero indian boy with zero balls and zero life. at least you match, loser.

we would've still been okay...it didn't need to get ugly...but no. you had to teach the bespectacled indian girl a lesson. you slammed on your brakes because you are an infantile shit-for-brains moron and you slowed to 60 in front of me, to school me. i was boxed in. you gloated. who the fuck do you think you are? my dad? asshole, my dad would've kicked the crap out of you for being such a disgrace to the male gender. you were weaving while sober. your hands were shaking at the wheel of your cheap little plastic ride. YOU do not fucking teach ME shit, got that? now i was getting vexed. who are you to fuck with me? i know your kind, and you should just cower in the corner where you belong you craven little twat.

i sighed, for i knew what would come next. i saw my opening and i took it. i SMOKED your garbage 147-hp fake sports car in my STOCK '02 honda civic you have twenty more hp on me AND a manual transmission. you sad, sad fuck. i KILLED you. and while i was overtaking you, without thinking, i pointed at my lap and then held up my right forefinger and thumb, with an inch in between..."small dick" i mouthed at you. rolling my eyes. not only do you have no penis to speak of, you don't know how to drive, and that which you don't know how to drive is a mitsubishi and btw, a girl has bigger nuts than you.

so you thought i was lucky? that the stars aligned for me and that you were actually a superior driver? you tried again. i spanked you again. you kept gunning, i kept putting distance between us. you were too scared to drive like me. i watched you hesitate like the little bitch you are. ain't no future in your frontin' son. you want to drive aggressively, then drive aggressively. don't literally get all up in my grill and then pussy out, because you will just get bitter and then irritate me further due to your own inadequacies.

i actually thought the game was over by then, that you had been shamed enough for one night. so i was slowing down, responsibly in the extreme right lane in anticipation of my exit. you saw me, and cut people off to take the same one. but we must remember, you can't drive for shit. while you were nervously trying to guage a lane change that was completely clear, i sailed past you, overtook a little old lady in a volvo on my way up the laguna exit and weaved in and out of two lanes poetically without antagonizing or hurting anyone. when i waved at you, and gave you a final "one incher" via my sunroof, i saw what you called me.
it's okay.

i imagine that it's difficult being you. i wasn't even trying, and i spanked you raw. in my stock honda civic. with its automatic transmission. that desperately needs a tune-up, oil change, realignment and fresh tank of gas. you sad fuck. i wanted you to follow me home. i would have destroyed you. my psychic german shepherd was waiting at my sidewalk, ears erect after hearing the VTEC scream from half a mile away. she's actually a very sweet dog, but seeing as how she weighs as much as you, you could have saved me the cost of her kibbles and bits by letting her eat your worthless ass for her dinner. oh wait, she likes MEAT...and we all know by your behaviour...that you have NONE to offer.

God Bless the New York Post

how much synergy can i possibly stand!? the nyp is beyond snarky in attacking the triple evils of Los Angeles, trucker hats and Von Dutch in this fabulous little example of why i adore page six. imagine, three of the things i despise the most getting pilloried in the paper i miss more than any other...

ah, new york...my peers may roll their eyes at my consummate devotion to you, but you prove, time and again why you are worth such all-consuming fervour. von dutch, indeed. LA...here's a thought...instead of convincing your vapid, pneumatic selves that you are original and trend-setting, come to terms with the fact that you have just recycled the most annoying trend to get discarded in a billsburg dumpster. my glee runneth over.

hakuna matata

so i got this email right before my zen class...and it was on my mind for all 90 minutes...
at first i was slightly disturbed, but by the end of class i was indifferent. :) read on...this issue seems to be a salient one in my life right now.


thanks...I just spent 2 hours of work-time reading your website...dammit.
(-:

observations:

-cute dog. Indians and pets are a rare combination. I have a black lab.
-cute kid. I was indifferent to kids until my nephew was born 10 months ago!!
love him to death
-you are the most interesting Indian person I have met (I haven't met many).
You will have a hard time finding a mate (as I will also) cause we don't fit
stereotypes....

Question...if you are bored and care to indulge me.
how promiscuous are Indian girls these days? I've been detached from Indian
people. Last Indian chick I dated was about 10 years ago. Doesn't have to be
personal...I'm assuming you have a few Indian friends/sisters/cousins

so. the two things that bothered me at first were the "you will have a hard time finding someone" comment
and the "how slutty are brown girls?" question. normally i would focus on the latter and get somewhat heated-- what, just b/c i like mini-skirts and have the flog i am somehow an expert on south asian american female sexuality? i actually don't have any female cousins near me and my sister doesn't date indian guys, probably because of emails like the one above. that is all fine though, he did say that it didn't have to be personal. it still strikes me as an odd question.

'hey. i have taken a decade-long vacation from brown sugar. tell me, do indian girls put out?' ;)

part of me is like, i don't even know what to say to that. except nothing. what indian girl IS going to come out and say that she's promiscuous? he can ask a bunch of us and we're all going to front like we are sita-savitris with our chunnis pulled over our heads. us? promiscuous? nooooo. it's a seemingly pointless question; no one is going to answer truthfully and it will probably cause more trouble than your curiousity is worth. if anyone else wants to comment here on the state of the indian whore- myth or reality? feel FREE.

but i digress. what really got my cosabella in a twist was the "you is destined for spinsterhood, sista" vibe that i got...suddenly all of my adolescent angst about feeling misunderstood came roaring back. i got my "melancholy and the infinite sadness" face on and was happy that i was wearing black. radiohead provided the apposite soundtrack; "creep" played on repeat in my head. "i'm a weirdo...what the hell am i doing here? i don't belong here." i think i was just in a sensitive spot because my mom has been all up in my kool-aid about the lack of grandchildren and therefore the lack of husbands around these parts. she and i had a minor disagreement about how i haven't found someone yet, just last night...and not even 24 hours later i'm getting an email that tells me that since i'm "different", i'm going to be alone.

i focused on class for an hour and grew more centered; it's a mindfulness class so this situation was actually a gift for me. struggling with my conflicted thoughts forced me to avoid vacillating between the rational and emotional mind, and i was practicing this difficult task as i was learning about it. by the end of class i was calm and tranquil. he said that i didn't fit stereotypes and then the epiphany hit me; this was a good thing. i go out of my way to be my own person, to be unique and to do what i want. i am not some stupid caricature that may or may not be based on a miniscule grain of truth. fine, i was different. different is good. different is what causes me to get the round-toe minnie mouse shoes in red at nordy's anniversary sale, when everyone else bought black. i celebrate different, damn it.

but the "alone" part still spooked me. i won't get married? because they...won't like the shoes? you know what i mean. the idea that being yourself somehow isn't good enough or even appropriate; that there is a trade-off betwen being true to your ideals and being able to find someone who will like you enough to take you off the market. it's an icky feeling. and it evaporated as soon as i started breathing again, because once the oxygen hit my beleaguered brain, the ancient captain of the debate team left her easy chair in the law library of my mind and minced up to the podium.

"isn't it true that at this very moment there are people who are interested in you?"

um, yes.

"during the past decade, what was the longest period of time that you'd gone without a boyfriend, after commencing such relationships at the age of 17?"

uh...seven months?

"try again, using the following words to assist your flawed memory- cambridge university"

oh. three months.

"exactly. how many of these unfortunate souls broached the subject of matrimony?"

eight.

"eight people thought about marrying you, though you don't conform to an antiquated, irrelevant, stereotyped ideal and though you did NOT possess the abs you currently do?"

yes.


and with a smirk, captain dork, undefeated lincoln-douglas champion retires in my fecund imagination, to an afternoon of nodding off to "foreign affairs".

i'm more than okay. the difference between me now and me last year is a lack of fear...i am not scared to end up alone. i don't HAVE to get married. most of my friends spent the last year of our lives getting married and i have had the opportunity to sit back and observe...and rethink the necessity of such choices. obviously, i would prefer to have someone to nuzzle up to every night for the rest of my life, but if i don't find the right nuzzlee, i'm not nuzzling. period. so really, it's not a question of potential suitors rejecting ME because i'm too out-there, it's a situation where i am not content with what i've come across.

a very dear friend describes his life as a "nine". as in, on a scale of one-ten his happiness is at a level nine. "i'm not going to date someone unless they can take me past nine...what's the point? i'm already happy. i certainly don't want to DECREASE my happiness, so i'm not going to choose just anybody." i think that sums it up perfectly. after ten years of dating some consummate idiots and some of the best humans ever to walk this earth, i'm finally really single, and really happy. so unless you can take me to a "nine"...this dime is fine with the stereotype-craving losers passing me by...

a sad justification for my friendster addiction

i will be the first to admit that i jumped on this oceanliner while it was already clearly sinking.  i am a devoted reader of gawker and it kept referring to friendster.  i didn't take the bait at first; i didn't care that people were screening random friendster profiles on to teeshirts, or that a few entrepreneurial types were auctioning off their networks on ebay.  then gawker reported that certain celebrities were irritated because frienster had kicked them off, after assuming that they were "fakesters" who were attempting to subvert the sacred network.  something about that amused me.  i started butchering zen buddhism in my fecund mind; if a celebrity is told that they are fake, are they still a celebrity?  do i care? 

i started to. people i had not seen or heard from in over five, ten...even fifteen years suddenly materialised from out of the ether.  it was amazing. i post an example below...this is a message from someone i last saw in 1990 at a JSA  event in sacramento. if any of you did JSA stuff circa '88-'92, leave a comment so i can relive my nerdy high school days.  it'll give me an opportunity to play my "Blue Monday" 12" for the first time in over a decade...

.............................................................

Hi Anna-

How are you? It took me a while to remember where
I knew you from...  As far as for the last time I
saw you, I apologize for feeling you up, but as I
recall, I was young, and you were (and still are,
judging by your pics) very hot.

What are you doing with life now? Where are you? 
I'm currently living in Sac, after going to Davis and
working for a company started by a couple of
fraternity  brothers (It's not what you know, it's who
you know....) building high-end custom loudspeakers
for the type of guys you want for you first
husband ;)

Chat with you soon, my email is  ___________

Anna wrote:

> the last time i saw you, you felt me up in the
> grand ballroom of the red lion inn, spring state.
>
> good times.
>
> how are you?
>
> -anna john '92
> erstwhile jsa hoochie,
> disgraced ex-Catholic-school-girl

From my Friendster profile's "About Me"...updated as of 9.18 :)

hot. sicker than your average. a beatnuts-level muchacha mala. a pain in your ass that you can't get enough of. vegetarian. works out five days a week. drives at triple-digit speeds for no good reason. two pet peeves: stupidity and hypocrisy. delta gamma at UCDavis, bartender at GW.

more about me? hmmm.

Now Reading: brick lane.
Now Listening to: pixies and smiths.
Now Drinking: fat-free nestle choc milk.
Now Eating: Odwalla Cranberry C Monster bar.

still want to know more about me? you are mad. i love you. okay.

things that i LOVE: my little sister Veena, new york, true friends, cashmere, naps, terms of endearment, st. patrick's cathedral, back-cracking hugs, writing, kisses on the forehead, the interweb, someone else playing with my hair, sanrio, unconditional acceptance, all 600 of my CDs, diesel jeans, extra whip cream, the times and post, vinyl, playing indoor futbol, 120 minutes, glazed donuts, the law, filthy goose martinis, lip gloss, flirting, wine flights, JD/MBAs, the view from the weehawken ferry, anna-proof rio mp3 with extra memory, san francisco extra sourdough bread, DJs, my shu uemura eyelash curler, cappuccinos with extra foam, minolta dimage x, "gym foods" (boost chocolate high protein shake, apricot clif bars, s'mores luna bars, toffee chocolate chip power bars), the smell of clean, dimples, ray's cheese by the slice at 4 am, glittery gel pens, fountain pens, soccer players, white roses/tulips/lilies, doing abs every other day, my vaio, affection, rockefeller plaza, my car, cadbury's fruit and nut FROM ENGLAND, text messages, FAT babies, parmalat milk in boxes, dogs, blogs and flogs, standing on the drawbridge in mystic CT, my shoe collection, mom's top-secret cranberry-golden raisin spice cake, indian clothes, my friends and Jesus.

now you know everything. :) and i can't wait to bore you some more ;)

Microblogging (because you needed one more way to know what I'm thinking):

    follow me on Twitter

    September 2008

    Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat
      1 2 3 4 5 6
    7 8 9 10 11 12 13
    14 15 16 17 18 19 20
    21 22 23 24 25 26 27
    28 29 30        
    Blog powered by TypePad
    Member since 08/2003