Babies aren't an "I get to be a jerk"-free card.

Once in a rare while, on Sepia Mutiny, the group blog I write for, someone leaves a comment which is so long, it's problematic. It makes scrolling down a thread difficult-- especially if one is attempting to do so via phone-- and it's also a lot of material to consider and respond to. It complicates the conversation.

In those situations, the ever-helpful intern steps in and suggest that a comment which is THAT long is really a post, just yearning to be blogged. "Please do so, then leave the link here, for those who might be interested. Thanks!"

Well, I guess I had a post, just yearning to be blogged. :)

::

1 · tarta said

you are not 33 going on dead,anna! i know u said that tongue in cheek, but i think more and more professional women are postponing marriage to age 35-36 and kids to age 37-39

And thanggahd for it. I've been mildly obsessed with babies lately-- but not like you might think. :)

Last night, I read nearly every entry on a blog called "Take Back the Island". I'll just put it this way-- one of their running features is "Dead Baby Joke". I found TBTI via a NYT article from Feb 11th which introduced me to a curious world called Park Slope, which is in the Brooklyn...apparently thoughtless bitches run wild there, with humvee-sized strollers and similarly-sized senses of entitlement to the sidewalk, an establishment called "Tea Lounge" and finally all the space in a bar called Union-something which has Bocce courts. The article had 300 comments about the self-absorbed shittiness of it all, and I found myself coming down on the so-called "baby-hater" side of things, which is just amazing.

I've wanted to be a mom since I was in first grade, which is when my teacher asked what I wanted to be when I grew up and I said, "Supreme Court Justice. And Mommy". I looooove babies. I started taking Folic Acid supplements when I was 18, because I was so sure I was going to get married right after graduating, to my college sweetheart. Baby, baby, baby.

Now, I want to throttle women on the Metro who brutally force their double-wide, p.o.s. strollers (which hold more bags than babies) wherever they can, as if wielding a battering ram through innocent commuters, only to block the handicapped seating (which I needed to use for the majority of last year) as if it's their deity-given right to do so-- and woe unto anyone who dares look askance, because that will be be the catalyst for the "HOW DARE YOU!" heard 'round the monuments.

On the rare occasions when I go to starbucks in certain nabes, I'm certain to be slammed in to by some hyper-active, three-year old animal who is careening about the store while doing his best impersonation of a pinball-- and I'm even more certain to get a haughty, "EXCUSE YOU. You need to look where you are going", from his Mother, after which I am absolutely certain that I will have to stifle my urge to throw my $5 latte in her stupid face.

And best of all, when I go home to CA, I'm no longer allowed to attend my mother's prayer meetings, because in 2003, I picked up an exceptionally demonic species of crotch-fruit who screamed and kicked me while I attempted to take him in to the other room, to thrown him in to his worthless mother's fucking lap. "What happened?" she trilled.

"He decided to write on my piano with a sharpie."

"Oh, he's just playing."

"My father bought that piano for me 25 years ago. It's not a toy. It's precious and he would be horrified to know that your kid just defaced it."

"No, no. You care too much for material things...he is being cute...hahahaha."

And apparently (though I blacked out so I don't remember this) I lunged for her and my mom intercepted my clawing hands and hauled my ass in to my room so fast, we skipped a month.  My primal attack might have been triggered by all the exquisite hypocrisy about material things, since crotchfruit's tree is the same woman who likes to announce how much her home cost and how she's already bored with her year-old luxury car and considering something newer.

So yes, tarta, much like the timeline in your comment indicated, I will have my kids in a few years, because by then, I will be ready to give up my lifestyle for theirs. I will have gotten shit out of my system. I will accept that I can no longer be a selfish bitch. I will not take them to BARS (wtf is going on in Park Slope, people?) because I'm resentful about how my life has changed and I want to have it both ways. I will resign myself to life in the burbs and inane never-ending videos and silly songs and wanting to beat my head against the wall because my own crotchfruit are driving me fucking insane-- but you know what? At least they will be doing that in my sure-to-be-destroyed home vs. at the mall, the movies, restaurants or anywhere else innocent people go.

I cannot comprehend how having a baby makes someone gifted.  Any idiot can fuck someone and squirt out a slime-covered, squalling thing.  Now, not everyone can take that crying newborn and parent it in to a good human being.  I think it is all related to a greater issue-- an explosion of selfishness in America which is most often manifested via cell phone conversations in tiny buses where some douche is yelling, "what?  I can't hear you.  I'm on the bus.  What?".  Why be considerate of others while sharing common, public spaces?  That's for wimps, people dumb enough to care about courtesy.

Unfortunately, with babies, you have a titanium excuse for treating other people like shit, because who is going to tangle with you, when you're holding a tiny person in a diaper?   No one, because anyone who dares stand up for themselves or anything reasonable will be regarded as just thismuch less evil than Saddam Hussein.  "It takes a village", they say.  Well then let me step in and discipline your uncivilized beast-child, since your response to everything is, "he's just a kid!"  And the next time I hear, "you're ungrateful now...but they'll be paying your social security", I'll laugh bitterly, because I want to be on the same powerful drugs which make this delusion so easy-- I don't expect monthly checks in 32 years.  So take that lame justification for your child's appalling behavior and shove it up your birth canal.

I know there are good parents out there and beautifully-behaved babies (Hi, Godson).  I know.  But a non-trivial number of awful apples are making it difficult to remember that (or, even want to remember that).  You don't see these kind people, because when their kid acts up in church or at the movies or at Macy's, they are. out. of. there.  They are sweet enough to be mortified at their child's meltdown, and they are aghast at the thought of inflicting it on innocent strangers.  So toddlers are whisked up, away, to the car and then home.  The ironic thing is, if you parent well, it's imperceptible to the naked eye and nearly impossible to remember.  What does get remembered is the idiot father who turns his back on his kid, believing that "not paying attention" is the best strategy for addressing his offspring's public shittiness.  It hasn't crossed his mind that dozens of people are wincing while he just speaks to the poor salesperson he's corralled in a voice which grows louder to compensate for the screaming he's brilliantly ignoring. 

Even more memorable are the couple I once saw in Fremont, outside a Jamba Juice.  Their children were literally playing in "traffic", in the parking lot, and finally, the inevitable happened-- a shaken driver veered to spare Junior Asshole and ended up slamming in to a parked car.  Said the parents, upon being summoned from their stupor by the sound of breaking lights and mashing bumpers: "Gosh, the way people drive is just outrageous!  Willow, are you okay?  Did that man scare you?"  All of us looked on, agape from the disbelief and willful denial.

I am amazed. My parents spanked us, regularly and we didn't dare let out a peep in public, let alone toss full-blown tantrums, deface others' property or otherwise act like meth-addled monkeys. All it took was one look and we'd quiver involuntarily. But as my mother explained to me after her eventful prayer meeting (after letting me out of my room), "those days are over. Now, parents want to be friends with their children. They don't want to be the bad guy. They don't want to parent. And if you do discipline your child, you better hope no one sees you smack their little butt because you'll go to jail. It's a different era. We didn't let you act out because it was not appropriate behavior. Now, everything is appropriate behavior."

"Mom, if that kid comes near my piano again, with any-"

"So have you thought about moving back to New York?"

Comments

[tarta]

agree with you! babies are cute and god's gift and all --but, just what is it about passing your genes on that makes some people view all the vile bratty things that their kids do as positively angelic? i don't get it.
btw, just curious --you have a good writing style that is distinctive. whether i agree with you or disagree with you, your writing always holds one's interest --have you ever tried to get published?

[Meena]

Yays for this post! My desi friends think I'm a nutjob for wanting to remain childfree and tell me that I should "give my mother grandchildren". Grocery shopping on a Saturday afternoon is such a nightmare!

[zee]

"I started taking Folic Acid supplements when I was 18, because I was so sure I was going to get married right after graduating, to my college sweetheart. Baby, baby, baby."

u too !! what a pity !
i am 25 (26 in a few months) and single (but still alive)... my life is going eating working sleeping ... eating working chatting sleeping ... what a non sense life ! tsssss i need a macho man and a baby now !:(

[duchess]

As a parent, I cringe whenever I see those kids and parents. I am embarrassed by their sense of self-entitlement - expecting to jump the line, not being responsible for broken merchandise (he's just a kid!), and being rude. And as a resident of Brooklyn - I know Park Slope. Oh man - it's beyond words.

I am also surprised at how quickly people forget what it's like not to be a parent. A friend of mine decided to go overseas (17 hours I think) with her 1.5 year old son recently, and I asked her how she was going to keep him amused and not wild on such a long flight. Her response? "People understand that a little boy can't be quiet for long periods of time. What's the big deal?" And then when she came back, she complained that the flight was full so she didn't get to stretch her son out across several seats so he didn't sleep well.

There are things I am totally all for - such as allowing mothers to nurse their babies in public - but the attitude of "He's just a kid!" is being taken too far.

[Raja]

As much as I dont agree with the politics of disposession that Anna John subsrcibes too.

I think she is maddd cute.

" Woh pehli bar, jab hum mile.. toooh... "

god damn.. she izzzzz fine.

[Asha's Dad]

I can say from experience that raising kids properly is a lot harder than it looks. It's one thing when a 5 year old is misbehaving, but it's difficult to reason with a 18 month old. I will say that when Asha starts talking or crying too much in church it's off to the hallway. Things should get even more interesting when Asha's little sister arrives in about 3 months...

Keep your head up and please don't marry a guy who is into James Blunt (just kidding...sort of). "Beautiful" drives me to bang my head against a concrete wall repeated;y.

[Bianca Reagan]

My kids had better be afraid of me, and they're not even born yet. Homey don't play that.

[Brian (project37)]

Great post, and one that I can seriously empathize with (especially your anger over the mom's shocking indifference to her child's misbehavior).

My wife and I thought long and hard before making the decision to become parents. We've seen too many other horrorshows, and talked about how even though "kids will be kids", they still need their parents to set and enforce boundaries. My Malayalee dad was never shy about whippin' some ass when I stepped too far out of line, and you'd better believe that it paid off. To their relief (and my adult appreciation), I was never the kid that didn't know how to respect other people and their property. I don't see myself smacking my son like my dad did with me, but he taught me the importance of laying down the law and sticking with it. That is something that I will definitely do. Papa don't take no mess!

Your mom really hit the nail on the head about some parents wanting to be "friends" with their children. I think that another part of the problem is that a number of people love the idea of having a baby - the sympathy/empathy during the pregnancy, the non-stop attention from family, friends, and co-workers, the baby shower (the presents!), the appreciative comments from admiring strangers, etc. It becomes about them instead of the person they've created. Having a baby is awesome! Yay! Unfortunately, these are the same people who never stop to consider that in addition to having a baby, they need to raise a kid. That's where it falls down, because they never break away from the "it's all about me" mentality. They then cry that "it's soooooo hard" (um what'd you expect?) and end up shirking the subtler parts of parenting (i.e., boundaries) in exchange for more self-indulgence.

That's why some people are rude with their strollers, take their crying baby to movies, etc. The poor kid learns this attitude of entitlement from their "parent" and grows up to be the self-important jackass that waltzes into their first job expecting twice the pay for half the work.

Discipline doesn't have to be a big scary concept, and I wish that more people would understand that. It's not like I'm perfect, but I'm willing to be the "bad guy" for my son when he needs it, because I know that it'll help him in the future.

Whoa, that was a lot more than I'd intended to write. Maybe I should use this comment for a post in my own blog! ;)

[galaxie]

I am the other way around. I love the idea of having a kid - teaching somebody how to be a person and all. But having a baby kind of freaks me out, mostly for biological reasons (I'm a woman).

[maya]

Since i first read this post, i haven't been able to stop thinking, CROTCHFRUIT and then (quite shamefully) giggling.

While i am completely against child-violence, i do believe that parents need to make their kids behave... or leave. No one should pay to sit at a restaurant or performance and have to listen to other people's whiny CROTCHFRUIT (giggle).

That said, thanks for being so sweet about my fruit on flickr :)

[sunny]

now that i am a parent (she was born Jan 07) I realize how amusing it is to hear non-parents tell parents how to be parents.

[A N N A]

Yes, Sunny. That's *exactly* what I was doing with my post.

Thoughtful people have no reason to feel insulted by what I wrote; I've heard from plenty of readers who lurk, but don't comment, who have kids and who understand exactly what I was talking about and at whom I was aiming my frustration-- they know it wasn't them. In fact, they hate those entitled douchebags and their abominable crotchfruit as much as I do.

[Sunny]

take a deep breath, i just said the post was amusing, i surely wasn't insulted and you certainly don't need to react 'snarkily'. the post just reminded me, as a new parent, of the huge change in perspective one experiences, seemingly in an instant, once baby comes. And cmon, you are going to try and defend that "Well then let me step in and discipline your uncivilized beast-child" or "if you parent well, it's imperceptible to the naked eye and nearly impossible to remember." etc does not in any way suggest that you, as a non-parent, believe you know more about parenting than some actual parents? pa-shaaa. but again, remember my original comment was just expressing the little wink and a smile your post gave me, albeit clearly unintentionally on your part. thanks.

[Puli]

"abominable crotchfruit"

yikes. these r people.

[Keith]

Anna,

lol,reading ur post cracked me up. I just turned 30 and my family is trying to find me suitable bride,planning my wedding and the # of kids that I need to have. I plan to tell them " I am gay" and buy me all the time in the world to find that special woman to love.
Being single in a large family makes me the official babysitter. I have seen some really adorable munchkins and some absolute monsters in my days..
It boils to parents communicating with their kids. My mum used her eyes to scare the shit out of me, I tried to do that with these brats and they taught, I was retarded.
In ur article, people use kids to get away with seats and stretched carriers cause they are idiots who think they are intelligent. Some of them are idiots cause they are clueless about their actions and others think they are smart and try to get away with it. At the end of the day, its a matter of respect for your fellow commuter or to the person sitting nxt to u in church.

Cheers,
K~.

[RR]

I don't think that anyone is saying that anyone is better at parenting but rather better at disciplining. In teacher education programs, they speak at length about appropriate classroom management skills. There are some teachers with no ability to control a classroom unless they are AP angels - there are others who can take a group of oppositional-defiant children and make them learn from them. Are they a better teacher? No, they are just better at discipline. When it comes to disciplining my students, I have never had a complaint from a administrator, parent or student that I have been unfair or unreasonable. But do I lay the law down? - HELL ya. My rules are clearly stated, evenly handed, and rarely given during a moment of anger. As a teacher and a non-parent, it is easy for me to say to tell people that their children are out of hand. But as a product of a very strict disciplined upbringing, I can also easily say how thankful I am to my parents for not letting me be an annoyance to everyone around me. As a future parent, I resolve to not give in to my child's whining (just as I don't give into my students' whining) or tears just because I want them to like me more. They will love me BECAUSE I discipline them.

[joy]

Anna is so chunk and fat that when she went on the scale.

the scale said " one at a time "

[Maurice Reeves]

Very clever Joy. Did you think of that all on your own or did your mommmy help you?

I mean, while we're at it, if we're really going to play the dozens, let's be creative:

Joy's so fat, she was Free Willy's stunt double
Joy's so fat, God's worried even *he* won't be able to lift her into heaven
Joy's so dumb mathematicians had to develop a whole new class of fractional numbers to count her IQ
Joy's so ugly the last time she went to the freak show the exhibits stared at her
Joy's so ugly the bogeyman tells his kids about her
Joy's breath's so bad the EPA just declared it a superfund site

Need I go on?

[Meena]

Comments about weight, always so clever...

[Apologiser]

Anna..

Sorry!

Hope you can forgive..

[anandos, dean of discipline]

Late to find, but hilarious. Crotchfruit? Tee hee hee hee hee hee.

As a teacher I find this problem to multiply as kids age - lack of discipline at home makes for kids who both crave and misunderstand it in school. Your amma has it on the button when she says that parents want to be friends with their kids - unfortunately, that's rolling into teachers as well. The net result is poor self-regulation among children, which translates - directly - into less successful adult functioning. When children know what is expected, and that a consequence will follow if expectations are not met, they can be little angels. Beating isn't even necessary although I'm fine with it. My sister has a slightly wild, very intelligent child who isn't beaten, but who knows how to behave because she knows that there will be time-out hell to pay if she doesn't. Simple, consistent consequence. . .
ranting, ranting, ranting.

[ak]

great post, ANNA. i'm sort of on the fence about having kids - one reason being that i am freaked out about raising some messed up kid. as asha's dad commented, it is unbeleivably hard to raise a well-mannered, normal, not-fucked-up child (in this regard, i highly believe bigger numbers are the way to go - better chance at least one will ended up not being messed up :))

i was recently hanging out with my cousins and their son (18 months) when they decided to pop in a movie that had 'fuck' in every other word. when i joked to my nephew that he should just ignore that language, my cousins said they would not be censoring him fom the language, but would somehow 'magically' convey to him that these words are inappropiate in some situations, even as they regularly exposed him to shows and movies with goodish amounts of profanity. now i'm forceed to face the possibility of my nephew one day calling me a 'fucking bitch' and forever becoming said crotchfruit in my eyes :(

[radhika]

ugh, this is exactly why babies suck sometimes. my take is that they're perfectly ok for the most part, as long as i can give them back at the end of the day. of course, i don't plan on having babies for a very long time, or maybe not ever, and this is exactly why.

[Mr. Eko]

To the OP, you should consider getting some of your work published. It's very entertaining!

I am a teacher. I used to work in inner city. Those parents don't think twice about "smacking" a child for behavior issues~ and would admit it with a sense of pride. Those kids were high on sugar and hyper, but you better believe, they were respectful.

Now I teach in a rich neighborhood. You know the ones, the SUV driving, Cell phone talking, PTO stalking,soccer game going, Stay at home and look pretty mom's who all have husbands who make 120,000 a year. Yeah, those kids. Those are the parents who are "friends" with their children.

Those are the children who are out of control. Those are the children who's parents think their children are just God's perfect blessing to the world. Those are the parents who deny that their child could be anything but the most amazing thing ever. Those are the kids who say things like "I am going to get you fired, because your mean!!!"

Parents need to quit treating thier children like equals and teach them how to respect adults (or those in authority) or else their will be consequenses down the line for us all!