A N N A J O H N ' S D I A R Y

august 30

UPDATE: no, the link below doesn't work...the post was just *too* personal (even i have limits?) and so it had to go...for now. sorry, minnows. :(
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hemophilia.
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i think everything is going to be all right.
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thank you, each and every single spectacular one of you, for your prayers, thoughts, hexes, dreams, wishes and love.

heartbreak makes you pretty.

From: Navdeep

Date: August 26, 2004 7:09 AM

Subject: Wondering if you'd consider modeling for a South Asian Magazine

Message:

Hi there! My name is Navdeep Kathuria. I am starting a magazine for South Asian women called ABCDlady, which stands for American Born CONFIDENT Desi! It is starting out online and then, my goal is to get to be a paper magazine in the future. Our first issue is due out next month. You can check out our site at
www.abcdlady.com

I saw your picture in Friendster, 7degrees of seperation:)

I believe you embody the type of image we are going for. I am the sole funding for this endeavor,
so I am not able to pay for any pictures. I hope that wouldn't stop you! Let me know if you'd be
interested! Feel free to give me a call about it--you can reach me at **********. Thanks!

Navdeep
Editor in Chief, ABCDlady
www.abcdlady.com

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navdeep,

i am beyond flattered that you think an ancient crone like me is attractive enough to represent your "baby".

i may be interested, i'll give you a call. in the meanwhile, thanks for making my day.

good luck,

anna :)

i'm late, i'm late...

time to put the "political" back in my SN:

You've RSVP'd you're coming to your local Kerry in 2004 Meetup.

Please... *SHOW UP*! Kerry Supporters are expecting you to be there. If you're unable to make it, please send your regrets here:

http://johnkerry.meetup.com

Here are the details:

What: National Kerry in 2004 Meetup Day
When: Thursday, Aug 26 @ 7PM
Who: Kerry Supporters and friends

When you get there, look for the Kerry Supporters near: Entrance

...when everything hurts inside, focus on the outside, anna.

sleep well, heather, and come home soon.

my mindfulness workbook reminds me that no matter how broken your heart or spirit, others are suffering more:

I wish that I could tell you that the reason you won’t be hearing anything from me in the next several days is because we’re right on the verge of launching the redesign...It’s also not because Leta is really cute in her caterpillar pajamas. Or that her face smells really good.

The reason you won’t be hearing anything from me for several days is because this morning Jon is driving me up to the hospital and I’m going to check into the psychiatric ward. I am very scared that if I don’t go ahead and do this that I may experience some sort of nervous breakdown.

My anxiety has only gotten worse since I started psychiatric and medical treatment over two months ago. It’s so bad that it chokes me every day, and sometimes I can’t even walk I’m so anxious. I’ve tried over 10 different medications and each one has made my anxiety worse. The depression comes and goes, but the anxiety is constant. I can barely eat anything and I still can’t sleep, even though I’ve tried every sleeping pill available at the pharmacy. It’s seriously out of control.

Over the weekend I started a new round of medication for a new diagnosis, one that I don’t want to talk about yet because it will be such a loaded discussion, and that medication has caused all sorts of problems. I have to get all this shit figured out or I really think I’ll hurt myself. I can’t believe that I don’t feel better. I can’t believe that it’s been two months and I DON‘T FEEL ANY BETTER.

I have to believe that going to the hospital is at least going to let me clear my head, or that it may actually provide an answer. I have to believe in something right now because I don’t feel like I have any hope. This anxiety is so painful, and I don’t see an end to it.

august 24

weight: 137
bodyfat: 22

gym: kickboxing

read: what happy people know.

last type of cheese consumed: spicy pepper jack, in my quesadilla

i 'mell like: sandalwood and roses.

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this blood will not clot.

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the doctors, they HATE me

IndianDating.com Contact Message:
---------------------------------------------------------

FROM : doctor_hrishi@fakeemail.com
TO : Your profile: "dime"
SUBJECT : Hi !
ATTACHED PHOTO: None

hey there, hows it goin.....i just read your profile, i'm pleasantly surprised to say the least.....i'm not even remotely interested in you (i do beleive we are poles apart), but i thought i'll let you know that i think you're one hell of a girl, i wish you luck and the very best, ciao!

hrishi

You can view their profile at:
http://www.IndianDating.com/profiles/view_profile.cfm?i=&pid=178082
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:)
sorry, what was that LS? i'd make "the ultimate doctor's wife"? ha.

august 23

weight: 137
bodyfat: 22

gym: rest.

read: damnit, i'm so tired i can't remember the title...

last type of cheese consumed: nacho + queso asadero

i 'mell like: sandalwood and astringent. it's heady.

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there is a weird pain in my left side. it's getting progressively worse. this bloated awfulness usually signals that a massive bloodletting is about to happen on HERstory, aka my real blog. i'm suffering from the most torturous sort of writer's block EVER. as i'm driving, eating, showering, reading...my mind feverishly turns phrases and composes flawless prose. mentally, i've written the damned post twenty times already...but put me in front of this PC and i freeze.

epiphany: omg. i just realised that i've never "written" anything on this compaq before. dear lord, please don't tell me that the late VAIO was the catalyst for my nascent career as a writer. :( i'd prefer to think that no "blood" has been let b/c i'm sober, and we all know that i blog best when slightly miserable and slightly tipsy, pacifically when the latter is greater than the former...

hmmm.

anyway. in moments like these, rather than have you read my drivel, i'd prefer to direct you to the best thing i read all day-- and maybe all week: my idol Dooce celebrated her 2nd anniversary with the most perfect, understanding husband ever via "dueling" blog posts that tell the truly amazing story of how they met. go read some of THAT, minnows. i guarantee it's better than what you'll find here. ;)

beyond that, there's new stuff at sepia mutiny...a post like this and one like that. they deal w/Sex and the City and Hijras on South Asian TV, if you are so inclined.

i also put a NASTY pic of wicked stepmother britney on my fotolog. i'm no fan of Shar Jackson, or whateverhernameis but if i saw this pic, i'd tell that trailer-weasel Kevin that there ain't NO way my babies will be around someone so filthy. surely a family court judge would agree, no? ack! my "monk"-like germphobe proclivities! i need triclosan, stat!

take THAT you hateful proctor*

yeah, yeah, yeah...i know. it's an easy test, but still. :)
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cbestscore to me
1:12pm (6 minutes ago)

Test Date: 08/07/2004

ANNA J PTERODACTYL

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Reading Section Scaled Score: 79

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Math Section Scaled Score: 71

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Your unofficial Reading and Mathematics scores are provided above. Your total CBEST score, including Reading, Mathematics, and Writing scores, will be available on the Internet by 5:00 p.m. on the score report mailing date.

Note that each section score is reported on a scale ranging from 20 to 80. For the Reading and Mathematics sections, your score is based on the total number of questions you answered correctly. The passing score for each section of the CBEST is a scaled score of 41.

august 22

weight: 137
bodyfat: 22

gym: rest. did all five "legs" + torture abs yesterday.

read: the SF chronicle sunday paper.

last type of cheese consumed: string.

i 'mell like: sandalwood, roses, mango and mandarin, nivea...lots of good things.

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i'm learning how to be stronger.

the whole month of august has pretty much been shit, and today was no exception...one of the only ex-bfs who still matters called me today to

a) wonder about the legitimacy of blogging as a hobby

("i remember when you were working 80 hours a week, and dedicated to a cause...this blog fotolog thing of yours exists only b/c you have nothing else to do.")

ouch.

and b) demand why, if i'm feeling steadily "upset", i don't do anything about it.

bigger ouch.

then, minnows, i dissolved in to unstoppable saltwater. and then i got angry. anyone who makes me cry shouldn't have a place in my world. life is too fucking short, damnit. i put up w/way too many toxic people, b/c i am forgiving and b/c i can't bring myself to believe negative things about those whom i love.

august 19

weight: 138
bodyfat: 21

gym: rest. sooo pukey. like, ginger-ale level pukey.

read: THE WORLD FROM MY FIRE ESCAPE!!! :D

last type of cheese consumed: extra sharp cheddar on my wedgie burger

i 'mell like: lavendar and strawberries.

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took a sleeping pill, m'lovelies...been trying to agree with it for the last two hours.

i'm sure you'll excuse me if there's no "diary" tonight, right? perhaps you didn't see the ridiculously funny pictures of my dog Rani, on fotolog from yesterday? if you didn't, there's some diversion there. if not, i did update THREE other sites.

the links are below (and ribbed for your pleasure):

~ what's in my purse?

~ raid my closet

~ and of course, i wrote a li'l political sum'n for Sepia Mutiny, too :)

sigh. wish me sleep. i need it, thank you.