feels mostly like the latter, these days. had an unpleasant round of emails regarding something very important to me yesterday. serves me right for trying to be the "nice girl" and adulterate *my* emails with emoticons and levity...i thought if i kept things light-hearted, i'd alleviate the grumpy, toxic tone of things.
ha. i'm the one who ends up anxious and upset, b/c my sincerely inserted semi-colons and parenthetical slashes don't do shit. even after the issue at hand was somewhat resolved, the internet missives kept flying, destroying my fragile equilibrium, tainting my very necessary privacy. i guess my definition of resolved is inherently flawed.
why can't people just chill? why on earth do they need to interrupt the one time of year some of us spend with family with quibbling and angst-spreading. it's CHRISTMAS. so what if you're not christian, some of us are and this is a very holy time. it's a sacred enough period that it makes me take the concept of "christmas spirit" seriously. "christmas spirit" makes me want to react to problems with kindness instead of negativity. i wish everyone did.
i fear that indians can't do anything together, b/c it always disintegrates. as a community, i find that our ability to remain cohesive and our proclivity for telesis blows. (who lives in a city with MORE than two jacobite churches? raise your hands.) i feel like shaking people by the shoulders; sometimes anomalous, lame things happen, that doesn't mean that everything is awry. there is a better way to address potential problems. there always is. there must be.
i have started to believe in the power of the "market". for example, i try something on this blog, like a certain theme for posts or google's ads. no one comments on the former or clicks on the latter. i shrug and say, "lesson learned." the converse is also true. if people are commenting and doing so favourably, maybe the problem you're currently upset about isn't so much of a problem at all. look externally for cues. don't ignore them. they may contain heed-worthy wisdom.
i want to ask everyone involved with this affair, whatever happened to the whole "go with the flow" sentiment which was espoused when we commenced it all? i was the one who wanted things set in stone, but nooooo. "let's just see how it turns out. let's not be hampered by rules." well, here's your fcuking unhampered turn out. the person whose ire started it all has done things that i've violently disagreed with, yet for the greater good, i've accepted their forceful ideas, b/c i dutifully remembered the experimental tone that we initially set. i sadly uncover that such flexibility is an illusion, it doesn't necessarily extend to me.
the worst part is, i doubt that anyone is agonizing over this the way i am. yes, i am sensitive and i take my projects seriously. those can be gifts AND curses, depending on how you squint. however, my agony is very real, no matter what you do with your eyelids; i JUST started sleeping again, for the first time in MONTHS. so much for THAT blessed development.
for the last two nights (ever since this aforementioned e-dialogue commenced) i've tossed and turned even AFTER taking a sleeper. my anxiety is cresting. my heart races. i feel like just giving up, and saying "thanks guys, but no thanks." i just don't feel like a valued or welcome voice anymore, and when that happens, something inside of me withers and dies.
death.
that has a little to do with all of this emotion i'm surfing, i think. i'm consumed with death right now. my father died at christmas. i'm overwhelmed by him, he's in my dreams and these days especially, his words echo in my head. i wade through a special and extra painful sort of melancholy right now. six years is irrelevant. this, too, shall not pass.
such an enormous, eternal and genuine loss makes my anxiety over the necessarily-ambiguous issue above seem so unnecessary. the epic, watery tragedy on the opposite side of the world commands me that life is too short to be so dramatically affected by that which upsets me.
my peers weren't always receptive when i disagreed with them about things, things i had a right to feel concerned about. fine, i thought, as i learned the hard way that they can't hear me when i propose something. perhaps they might hear me when i try and fix the complaints they raise, if i'm not imposing on them with my unwanted wishes? right. i know, i'm stupid.
i just want my dad.
i just want everyone to comprehend this; i wish the ache in the center of my chest would go away.
i just want peace: for me, for the emailing debaters, for everyone.
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