A N N A J O H N ' S D I A R Y

may 23

still somewhat tired from the weekend, which is not good because this week is jam-packed with stress and deadlines, as most weeks before holiday weekends tend to be.  i booked my ticket to nyc for friday at 11am, so i felt extra pressure to get everything done in four days vs. five...and what happened at the end of today?  an extra huge meeting, scheduled for...wait for it...wait for it...

11am.  friday.

sigh.  now i feel massively guilty for potentially leaving early, especially since everyone else is rearranging their plans to accomodate this new obligation.  oy.  i'll call it now: my chance to make it to the friday rehearsal dinner?  dwindling by the second.  my ultra-sweet supervisor told me that it was okay, even tried to brief me today so i wouldn't miss anything...but despite such accomodating, i suddenly feel like super slacker for wanting to keep my long-ago-arranged plans.  i'm hyper-anxious about doing the right thing here, b/c i'm new. so far, i have been cautious to the point where i'm not even going home anytime soon (hello?  i was last there in NOVEMBER) b/c i'd feel like a twat for asking for a week off...

gahhhhhhhh.

despite it all, i love my job.  i almost feel like i'm jinxing it by writing that.

:+:

SAWCC?  so much goodness, all stuffed in less than 48 hours.  suh-woon. pretty pooja, wit, very good cheese, discussions, WASPs, aero-beds in midtown, sugar-free cookies, adorable amardeep, emotion, kindness, mahalo, empathy, release. 

i wish i could do it again.  weekly. 

may 19

so tired.  wouldn't let myself fall asleep because i have to leave for union station in...15 minutes.  with the week i've had, there's no way in hell i would've been able to be up before 5.  am looking fwd to sleeping on the train like it's a glazed donut from safeway (my fave kind).  sigh.

i'm excited but i'm also second-guessing what i've packed/decided to wear.  i've worked so hard to become one of those exemplary packers, who only takes one pair of jeans on a week-long trip and somehow is just fine with that...but the last three times i attempted to be so low-maintenance, i regretted the shit out of it once i got to my destination.  compromise is afoot and we all know what i think of being stuck in the middle. 

taking workout clothes just adds more bulk to my bag, but i want to be prepared since i tend to hit NYSC at least twice whenever i go up...whether i have yoga pants and a combination lock or not.  sigh.  i think the bottom line is, i like keeping my options very open.  good thing i just bought a bit of  EMS luggage to put all of them in.

May 18

I knew I was being excessively optimistic when I booked my ticket to NYC for tomorrow-- leave early?  When I've worked for the last few weekends?  Pfffft.  I'm bummed, because I was so excited to see Amardeep star in the reception...but I don't think I have a choice, especially since I'm leaving early NEXT friday for a certain wedding. 

It's funny, normally I wouldn't be this agitated about tomorrow, but now, I loooooove my supervisor and hate disappointing him, so I'm being all adult and shit and doing the right thing.  That's my damage, heather. Sigh.  To make matters worse, I no longer have a place to crash on Saturday.  FANTASTIC.  We are now looking at a worst case scenario which I loathe: I go up Sunday morning, only for "my" day, missing Pooja's panel et al.  ASS.  So ass.

I'm tired.  I love my job but I'm tired.  I pushed myself insanely on Monday by going to pilates class and THEN going to a Sports Conditioning cardio class (suicide drills, weights, plyometrics etc).  I haven't had my heart rate do that in, oh, three years.  The instructor was like, "are you INSANE?"  I just wanted to do core stuff AND cardio.  I didn't know it would be so brutal.  I've been paying for it all week, my legs are still throbbing and my ass totally hurts.  I know, you were dying to know that.  At least I don't have to take painkillers just to sit down.  But I do miss the gym.  Moderation, I need to do things in moderation.

HA!

Week two of South Beach is going rather well: I'm FINALLY experiencing some relief wrt sugar cravings.  I'm eating way more fiber and protein and I feel (and have been told I look) better.  I've lost six pounds, but I'm paying more attention to how my clothes fit and there is definitely a change there.  Part of the reason I nearly killed myself at the gym on Monday is b/c I knew that by doing so, I'd be wayyy more motivated to eat cleanly.  It worked.  Either that or ass pain is an appetite suppressant.

Never Tear Us Apart

Sometimes, you cry at work because you know that as of a few minutes ago, the most cherished part of your life is never going to be the same.

Sometimes, the people who break your heart aren't the ones whom you sleep with, go out with, share your genetic matter with.

Sometimes, someone becomes an important part of your life so subtly and seamlessly, that the only reason you know that they were, is because they no longer are.

Sometimes, accepting someone's decision while you attempt to respect it seems like the most hateful, impossible chore.

Sometimes, being so SensitiveSentimentalAttachedLoyal isn't a good thing at all.

Sometimes, imagining a life without someone hurts like a dilettante's wax job.

Sometimes, loss isn't as obvious as death, breaking up or moving.

Sometimes, you just wish that instead of feeling powerless, you could change someone's mind.

May 14

It's Sunday night, Monday morning really and I'm finally done with work. 

Told you I was busy.*

(that doesn't mean that I don't miss you.)

(daily, i intend to update, i think "i should write in my diary, i totally will"...then i pass out, like i'm about to do...right...now)

:)

may 7

time flies when you're having fun...at your, um, job.  shocking, i know.  in fact, no one there believes me when i insist that i really like all the confusing, unfamiliar work that gets hurled at me daily.  i'm terrified of and disgusted by crustaceans, but that's kind of the model of what i need to be: a crab.  someone once told me that they're the only creature which can change directions without slowing down at all, a fascinating and impressive fact, once i really pondered it.  that's exactly what i'm required to do, constantly.

i'm surprised that the most challenging aspect of work isn't understanding and vetting SQL, it's being expected to drop everything (usually RIGHT when i've made sense of it or have just started feeling "flow") and ably commence or resume something totally different.  my boss (whom i adore...but that isn't surprising since he's an MIT alum) and my mentor/Quality Center tutor both lament the timing of my arrival at work, saying they wished that I had come on board at a quieter moment.  I (perhaps naively) think the opposite, that if i can get through this, then anything is accomplish-able.  if i started when it was easy, i'd probably lose my shit the first time everything got hectic.  they look at me piteously and disagree.  no matter. 

i like what i do.  and i didn't expect that, not at all.  i didn't anticipate that it would be somewhat fun or as interesting as it is; i thought it was time to be a grown-up and suck it up and do what needed to be done.  sometimes, when i'm not expecting anything good, that's all i get and that's when it feels like life is giving me a bear hug, the kind which sustains me, lifting me off my feet while cracking my back with a strong dose of love.  yeah.  i love you, too.

:+:

in sartorial news, i snagged a sweeeet pair of diesels, which fit me like they were meant for me, natch.  i've said it since the late '90s (though back then it was "banana republic" and "levi's" i was comparing them to), you can have your sevens', your citizens', your nudies' and your paiges'...diesel is still the one, if you've got a serious booty and a pair of hips to bracket them, which i definitely do. 

i'm shocked; i haven't bought any since 2003...but then again, i had a dozen pairs by that point, so i wasn't exactly nanga all this time. 

i can't believe my first pair only cost $99.  oy, how time's expensively gone by.

:+:

i've got my sari for a certain flog princess's holiday weekend wedding.  have you?  :)

speed of sound

predictably, once i got a nano last october, i ignored my shuffle like it smelled.  this is what happens when i don't update or even turn on my lesser iPod:

-wayyy too much juggy d
-coldplay (!)
-def leppard
-keane
-And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead

thank goodness i also had 300 megs of pixies on the device which has no screen or that would've been the subwary ride from hell.