December 12

Next year, I'm going to take the entire month of December off.  I'm going to go hide somewhere.  I hate December.  It's torturous enough on most years because of what I just linked to, but this year, after the autumn from HELL, I'm even less equipped to relive those terrible last days, to manage all the extra sadness this time of year will forever bring. I'm anxious to the point where I wake up with chest pains, and that's assuming I can fall or stay asleep at all.

One step forward, two huge stumbles back.  I know Veena is going to be okay. I know I should be relieved because I probably have a job (I say "probably" b/c I never quite believe it's real until I get my first paycheck). I should be a million better things besides the way I feel right now, which is just wretched.  I didn't go to the gym today, b/c I went on Saturday and Monday and pushed myself even though I haven't been eating; I worked out in part b/c I was hoping it would stimulate my desire to eat.  Didn't work.  I have no appetite.  I can't stomach solid food. I thought it would pass, but I've felt this way since Saturday.  Working out on an absolutely empty stomach reeks of an eating disorder.  I don't like this.  I don't like this constant state of tension, this anticipation of what fresh new hell awaits around every corner.  I don't like this at all.  :(  And yeah, if it isn't patently obvious...I miss my Daddy.  They lied; it doesn't get easier as time passes.

Comments

[KN]

I am not going to pretend to know how you feel, but I can say this for sure, Your dad would be proud of who you are.

Hang in there, it will be over before you know it.

[Bradley Allen]

Anna, you're right. They lied. It doesn't get any easier. It is hell, it really is. I know.

But when I read your posts I see courage, humor, and strength... and such grace. You will see things through. I am confident of that.

I wish you the best during this month, and hope things will be much happier for you in the upcoming year. Take care.

[scorps1027]

I would imagine it never gets easier.

I know this month is hard for you already, and now especially since Veena is not feeling well. You're in my thoughts and my prayers.

[Jiji]

I can only imagine what you are going through.. After everything you went through the last couple of months, I was hoping and praying that it would get a little better for you.. there is no words to take your pain away.. I just hope you know that there are a multitude of people who is here for your, to get you through this crazy month and help you bring you some hope.. Keep praying Anna!

[Ani]

I think you are simply an amazing person with an immense amount of strength and courage.

Your previous post brought me to tears.

I pray that you get through this month and 2007 brings you much joy.

[Jiji]

btw, after reading your memoir of your father which brought me to tears.. you reminded me of how i take mine for granted.. I haven't talked to him in a few days with my crazy busy finals... I feel like the worst daughter in the world.. OH anna, I wish i could give you a hug. Hope a virtual one would do..

[badmash]

There's nothing anyone can say so I won't even try. I'm sorry that you're experiencing this pain Anna. We're here for you of you need an ear.

God be with you.

[Anonymous]

I don't usually pray. However, i have started praying in last few days. I just want to tell you that you and your family are in my prayers.

[BrooklynBrown]

I understand what it's like, Anna, and it's not easy. It's why I hate Halloween and the early part of November. For me, some November 1sts are better than others, but damn! this year was rough. I really have no pithy words of comfort to offer, just the knowledge that you're not alone in this struggle.

[Kenyandesi]

hugs, both virtual and real, are coming your way. And as icky as all this is, you'll be so much stronger for it...small consolation? well think of it this way, God only gives the trials He knows we can bear. Trust in Him, however difficult that may be. Everything happens for a reason. Love ya chica!

[nina]

i hope things get easier and better soon for you. i know things are rough. jus tknow they are alot of people that love you and are thinking of you.

[watevz]

your post on your father brought me to tears. reminds me why it is important to love today, not tomorrow.

keep your head high anna. a lot of strength emanates from you. you're a gift on the planet.

[Mango Pickle]

Thinking of you dear. There's a lotta love comin at you right now from around the world.

[ak]

I cry as I write this to you. Reading the post about your dad was hard for me, a stanger. Losing a loved one is excruciating and I feel your pain in some way...I just lost my baby on Dec 2. Please remain strong and treasure the family members that are with you now.

[musical]

Dear Anna,

Hugs. You are a brave and strong girl. While it doesn't get any easier with time, every passing day brings a new hope and a new beginning. Your Dad is very much there with you, now and forever. He's happy in your happiness.....Smile on, as it makes him happy too.

I say this because i know Mom is there with me, now and forever. and whats best, i don't even need to pick up a phone to talk to her-she shares every single thought in my heart.....i know wherever she is, she's happy and content-far away from the mad world.....and i know she is happier to see me happy.

And hugs for you too, AK.

[Maurice Reeves]

Anna,
I'm 31 now. My dad died when I was 15, so I've had some years to reflect back. There are things that do get a easier with time, but even now I'll see something and think "My dad would love to see that" and a sinkhole forms in my heart.

It was worst when I got married and had kids and I would get angry that he couldn't be with me at either event.

But truly, over time, the anguish you feel subsides.

[a longtime reader]

My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family....take care Anna.

[Neetu]

Anna,

You wouldnt kno me at all. Just wanted to let you know that you are in my prayers. You are stronger than you can fathom. Hang in there!

- Neetu

[sue]

agreed...i think it gets worse as time passes. =/

[niki]

i hope you find comfort in knowing that you are in all our prayers.