December 26

First:  Thank you to everyone who left comments on my last post.  Thank you to those of you who've called me daily to see if I was okay (some of you from Germany!!!).  Thank you for candles lit and prayers said. I'm touched by the fact that you would interrupt your holidays and vacations to listen to me weep.  You are all good souls and I will never forget your kindness.

Second: I woke up today and within minutes of doing so, I realized my Grandmother was gone.  It took me all of two seconds to explode in to tears and commence hyperventilating.  This time of year is always torture because of my Dad and now I have to mourn both of them.  It's just sick, the timing of this.  It's destroying me.  I didn't leave the house yesterday, at all.  And no, I didn't see anyone, either.  I spent Christmas alone, in my wee little apartment, hitting "refresh" (I'll get to THAT in a second) which was just as well because no one needs to be around someone so un-fucking-believably miserable right now.

But, it's a no-win situation.  Though I didn't want to ruin anyone else's holiday with my soggy presence, on top of missing two lost loved ones whom I will never see or touch again (annnnd...cue the tears),  I also felt pathetic for being alone on what used to be my favorite holiday, for being here, for being so far away from everyone I love.  If the weather hadn't been so nasty, I would've forced myself to go outside, to walk until I was cold or tired or distracted.

It didn't help that I unexpectedly ended up feeling like I was tethered to my fucking laptop.  I cannot BELIEVE the number of jerks who will comment on SM during CHRISTMAS.  Suffice to say, they were not helping my emotional state, but I also felt helpless, like I couldn't turn away, because it would be like leaving a baby all alone with no sitter.  I normally would not have minded being the only one minding the bunker, but after finding out about Grandma on Saturday...I was quite clearly not up to it.  But I love SM and everyone is busy now, so I'm putting on my game-face (wtf does that even mean?) and forcing myself to moderate/churn out posts, as excruciating as it may be.  I know, cry you a river.  I made the choice to do it.  Well, when you're passionate about something, it's not about "choices".

Once Abhi gets net access, I'll hand the reins to him, even though he told me this evening to just take care of myself during the holidays and not worry about it.  I can't, though.  I can't not worry about it. I feel like it's on me, thought it's not like we draw straws or plan such things...they just turn out the way they do.  Now I have a tiny sense of what he must've gone through, juggling all of his PhD stuff and still posting more than anyone else.  What a labor of love.  I have so much respect for him.

Maybe it's good to focus on something like the Mutiny.  Maybe if I didn't do that, I would just give in to my desire to sleep constantly and cry even more.  Maybe it's a tiny island of normal for me to swim towards, when I feel like falling apart.  I don't know.  I don't know anything anymore.  I just hurt.

Comments

[scorps1027]

Anna, I'm SO sorry for your loss.
I hope you are doing better.

I remember the pain of losing my grandmother a year and a half ago, and feeling the same sentiments about having been a better granddaughter. I cannot even imagine that guilt and pain coupled with the grief that already exists for you during this time of year.

If I could send you every last ounce of strength and positive energy I possess at this moment, I certainly would. I will continue to hold you in my thoughts and prayers, and hope some comfort is given to you from the Almighty above.

[tash]

Much love and peace going out to you right now. Been reading your blog(s) for a while and it's touching the way you share your life so honestly with others, and give of yourself.

Times like these have little place for comforting words or thoughts, only know that the pain shall pass but the bonds between you and your Grandmother and your loved ones will not diminish.

The fact that you gave up your Christmas Day to work for a voluntary, amazingly successful project that you've undertaken shows that there's no way you could have been the worst granddaughter in the world.

Take care.

[Ani]

I wish there was something that could be said/done to take away your hurt but I know that there isn't. I have so much respect for you -- your dedication and strength are awe-inspiring. May 2007 be absolutely wonderful for you.

[TheBarmaid]

I heart you, A N N A K K A. You are in my thoughts and prayers always.

[BP]

Please hang in there. I lurk around here quite often, and words can't express how sorry I am for your loss. You do such wonderful things not only SM, but in your blog as well. At least you have the balls to put yourself out there emotionally versus the rest of us that don't. Don't let the haters get you down. In the meantime, I will pray for you and your family.

[indiemol]

you and your family are in my prayers, Anna. words could never match in comfort the amount of pain i'm sure you're going through now. hopefully, one day, all of the prayers of your family and friends will.

[tubs]

hugs.

[nina]

im so sorry for your loss. icant begin to comprehend this loss, so i wont try express anything other than im hoping you find the solace you need and the strength to keep going. you know we are here if/when you need it.

[Jiji]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this especially during the Holidays. I just hope you know that you are not alone. Will continue to pray for you Anna, HUGS!

[Mike B.]

I am very sorry to hear of your loss.

[RK]

I am extremely sorry to hear of your loss. My heart reaches out to you. BIG HUG Anna. God Bless You.

[jana]

Anna,

Honey I've said it before and I'll say it again - you are courage defined.

I don't doubt the mind boggling toughness of this situation - i mean, to lose not one, but two, important features in your life at a seemingly festive time - is gut wrenching. But you my dear, you just keep on mutinying on - and that is courage defined.

I send you not only my positive energy but every shred of spiritual belief left in me - I hope it finds you, cocoons you and lets you rest in its arms - in safety.

we're here if ever you need us.

xoxo
j

[Kenyandesi]

soggy or not, your presence is ALWAYS welcome at my place...

[toesoxluver]

My condolences, Anna. Hope the new year brings happiness and joy to you and your family.

[chaitan]

hope the new year brings a little bit of peace to your heart. stay strong.

[hairy_d]

I am deeply sorry for your loss Anna. To have had such a deep bond with your grandma is very special and i wish you the strength you need to get through.

[Mike B.]

I don't know you and I am weird, but I worry that you are digesting too much sorrow. I hope that you are taking care of yourself and that your friends are too. Cheers.