April 16

brunch flower, originally uploaded by suitablegirl.

I am so upset, so stressed that I am numb.  And I have hives.  I was at work until midnight (14 hours) and while I knew it would be a long Monday,  it was about 4 hours longer than it needed to be because I wrote this, about the horrific tragedy at VT.  Commence venting, which I would hope I'm allowed to do because I am among friends here:  when you write a post like that, the extra shitty trolls come out to fling their hatred, so you need to monitor it literally every other minute.  It's also important to update it, when necessary.  This takes a toll.

While everyone was thinking or talking about this nightmare at various points, I was mired in it via covering it and I'm already a uselessly hyper-sensitive, emotional wreck...blogging like that takes all of my weaknesses and has a field day with them.   The last time I felt like this, Bombay was devastated by terrorist's bombs.  I put so much care and effort in to SM...sometimes, the comments I get are just heartbreaking; I just wish people would assume something other than the worst about me, but that goes for so much more than blogging. 

Why do I do slave away at the Mutiny?  Because I can't NOT do it.  When breaking news happens which is relevant to SM, and I'm the only one free, then it's my fucking responsibility to write it and I take that shit seriously.  I'm not complaining, I swear...SM is my baby.  It is the absolute manifestation of my heart, it's a labor of passionate love.  But it does take a toll.  Especially on days like today, which followed last week, when I spent 60+ hours researching/blogging/monitoring the site (before/betwixt/after my 40-hours at work).  It's exhausting but I can't just walk away.  And that's all I wanted to say. :(

::

I know I'm stressed beyond the blog.  Hives?  Check.  Blemish?  Check.  Sleeplessness?  Check.  Irritability?  Yup.  Worthless immune system? Well, I've been sick since LAST monday.  Hair falling out in CHUNKS?  Check.  It's the last sign which gives me pause.  I was washing my hair and I just kept pulling and pulling and yes, I know, you lose a certain amount daily, but what fell out was more like what I lose in a week. 

What gives? I know, I've been away from ye olde diary for a while...so here goes with the ketchup- I have my 3rd boss in as many months at work; the tumult continues. Still, I love my job, my co-workers, my location (I can walk home! Three miles!) and the fact that I get to help with protecting the most vulnerable...and I'm still just plain grateful, because that three months I spent jobless at the end of last year are fresh in my memory.

Taxes. I fucking hate dealing with taxes. I know, I should suck it up and deal but it freaks me out, always has. I'm terrified I'll screw something up. My Mom's accountant always did them for me until last year...this year, I'm on my own. Gulp.

As much as I adore my job, make almost half what I did at my last two gigs. That's kinda worrisome. I feel like I am never going to have a savings account, ever again.

I miss my Mom. And I worry that my choices are selfish and that I'm depriving her of what she deserves after being the best Mother ever. Several of you are married, one of you (hi Chem E!) is pregnant. What's wrong with me? Why am I still enjoying my early 20s? And is it bad that I have Hello Kitty everything?

Ugh, I can't believe I just wondered that. I love HK. Fuck this shit, it's obviously time for me to go to bed; once one questions the necessity of Sanrio, it is obviously a sign of delerium. Good night.

Comments

[nina]

sorry to hear you have been so stressed lately. i was up late catching up on sm and all the comments. i was getting heated so i can only imagine your frustrations, but know its such a good cause and you are helping people stay aware. there will always be some haters, but so what. and we all stress abt money and where we are in life vs where we think we ought to be, but there is a plan out there for us all and yours is unfolding in the right time. just dont settle!!:)

[Chaitan]

totally agree with nina. we are thankful to mutineers for keeping us aware of such issues. and don't forget all those who think your life rocks! i agree, just don't settle!!

[Sibil]

I agree with nin. I was reading your SM posts and then comments and I almost decided not to bother reading the comments any more, because ppl get ridiculous. I, for one, thank you for your coverage and for writing about such an emotional event, especially when you are so close to it in proximity. As for you thinking you are complaining/whining, (when in reality, you are venting), this is your blog and that's what it's designed for. I feel awful that you have to keep pointing out what you're grateful for in every post that you're venting, because I feel you do it out of fear to those trolls/haters who will leave you even nastier comments if you don't. It's sad that you must counter your vents with statements of gratefulness out of necessity for the haters.

I know I appreciate all your creative internet ventures. SM, herstory,diary (which I wish you would update more often!!!!), flickr with your POTD, flog, WIMP, etc. The fact that you are still creative amongst all your work & life stresses and that you share it with us readers, is wonderful.

Hang in there Anna, I know you are struggling with how Mummy feels also, but just know that God has a plan for you and it will unfold when it's time. As for the Sanrio, you are clearly delirious, I hope you are well rested and know the error of your HK doubting ways:)

As for the taxes, if you have any questions, feel free to let me know and i'll ask Sajito "whatchu know about that??" DC-style;)

[#25]

I've followed the hate spewing on SM...its all like your article said, just attention grabbing nothing more, don't let them get to you.

Of all the things you should be proud of Anna, is that you have the best heart of anyone I know. You are open, honest, caring, and believe strongly in good values. Money comes and goes, and I realize it helps to have some no doubt. However, you should feel proud of all you have accomplished under less than desirable times...

Sometimes you work so hard at something and it just doesn't seem to get you anywhere or worse, kicks you in the butt. Don't let it get you down. Keep trying, I know you can accomplish anything.

I never stop believing in you.