A N N A J O H N ' S D I A R Y: August 20

take two., originally uploaded by suitablegirl.

This super-cute picture is from last week, but I just got around to uploading it. S, the woman in the middle, is moving away from D.C. and I wanted to make sure I saw her before she left. :(

The other fantabulous female is my cousin. We still haven't figured out how we're cousins exactly, but that's fine, because it's one of my favorite running jokes at this point. Besides, it doesn't matter because we have a few Thirumenis between us, and that's all Mallus care about, right? ;)

The only negative aspect of leaving the house and being social is the concept of "payback", which reminds me of one of my sorority sisters who had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. She seemed "normal", if a bit low-key, but if she pushed herself and was more active on one day, she "paid" for it the next by suffering from extra exhaustion; the whole cycle left her depressed and fretful about doing much of anything. Two days after this picture was taken, I was having problems walking.

It's hard to balance what you want with what you need, and I'm still bitter that I missed the New York meetup on Saturday, especially since I was supposed to co-host it. But I knew I had no choice. This picture was taken just a few miles from my house, at a relatively chill, accessible place...it's quite a different story to trek out almost 600 miles and lurch around what is apparently a very narrow bar with a terrible bathroom. How do I know or why do I think that? Let's just say that I wish I had never read the Yelp reviews...they convinced me that me and my fakakta cast wouldn't be comfortable at Verlaine.

Worse than that, I finally accepted that because of my current physical issues, I will not be going home for the wedding of one of my oldest, dearest childhood friends this week. I've been looking forward to some Northern California for months now and I'm dejected that the last time I was able to go home, it was last September.

A year. It's been a year. If you had told me at one point, that I would only sleep in my childhood bed or see my Godsons ONCE a year, I would've frowned and told you that you were an idiot. I used to go home every few months. But, I was also in school. Or serendipitously between jobs. This is the part of being a "grown-up" which I loathe, the distance from my loved ones and my erstwhile home. The reality of a finite amount of leave, which I've blown through much of, thanks to bronchitis earlier this year and now this ankle-clusterfuck. My desire to do so is irrelevant, I cannot go home, no matter how wistful I am.

I know I did the "right" thing and put my $#@%&?$# ankle first, but that doesn't mean I'm not pouting about it. Sigh. Ten days 'til my MRI...and actual information. I miss being able to move, I miss feeling independent and fearless. I miss having muscles in my legs which rippled just slightly vs. dimples and smoosh. I miss everything and for now, there isn't a damned thing I can do about it.