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+, originally uploaded by suitablegirl.

Sometimes, I just wish I could stay at church.

It is the safest, most peaceful place I know and it's beautiful, too. 

Light focuses through the dome, like heaven shining one golden beam at a time; it's the opposite of the searchlights one sees outside of clubs or parties.  This light isn't agitating for anything or beseeching us for our attention.  This light is calm and each mote illuminated by it starts to resemble a manifestation of grace.

The mosaiced faces of Saints gaze down at me from every arch, with their oversized Byzantine eyes, and those eyes, they are so evocative and wise.  Those eyes are expressive, perfected by humility and tempered with sadness.  Such eyes don't dance, they watch, with the intense worry of a new parent beholding their child.

The Byzantine chanting gloriously ricochets throughout the cathedral.  It is emotional xanax, the purest anxiolytic substance possible, available without a prescription for over two millenia.  Each chorus is so gorgeous, such notes seem like the only apposite way to communicate with the divine.

While the choir sings dazzling ancient invocations, I commune with those who are lost, some of whom I was never allowed to meet.  My identity, my blood, on either side, flows through the Orthodox church.  My ancestors never haunt me anywhere else, which is my loss, for such visits are like a cool hand on an ever-feverish forehead. 

And me, I am in the left corner of the pew, in the left corner of the church, on the left side of the Lord, just feet from the memorial for the dead, which is exactly where I belong.  Waiting pensively for Holy Communion, repeating the prayers with which one prepares for such mysteries, because surely whatever I've said is lacking, either I didn't concentrate properly or give each word the reverence required...whatever I've murmured in supplication is not enough.

It isn't.

If it were, I would not be alone.

My heart would not have broken twice today.

My lap would not contain a pool of my tears.

My G-d is a jealous G-d, but he has flawless hearing for his childrens' cries.  If only he could hear mine. 

Comments

[scorps1027]

I'm glad you are able to found solace somewhere, even if it's just for a brief respite. I hope you are able to capture that peace and solemnity and hold it within you during this difficult time.

[nina]

ditto to sib's sentiment. i know it hasnt gotten any easier, but the memories will get you thru it. and the love of alot of friends. Merry Christmas...xoxo:)

[shalu]

do you think you made your father proud? get off the internet and educate yourself. Create a life for yourself with or without a man.

[old friend]

Shalu, what the heck is wrong with you? That's some kind of low for you to dare address her father in your vile comment -not to mention the hypocrisy as your "life" involves berating someone to get off the internet as you make idiotic comments on new years eve - so happening.
Anna, you are loved.
http://www.fathersloveletter.com/fllpreviewlarge.html

[chai]

my thoughts are with you and your family. here is to a new year, new loves, and new moments with old friends.

[Maurice Reeves]

Shalu, you show an incredible amount of insensitivity by bringing up Anna's father. I realize this is the internet and we all believe in the freedom of speech, but common decency should prevent you from using her father as an remonstration against Anna.

Maybe you believe you're following some path of tough love but the only thing I read is spite. You have equal right to the entire internet as anyone else, and you can certainly say as you please across all of it, and hey, you even can tell people to grow up and get a life, but to come onto her blog, and make the kind of statement that you did, the way you did, is akin to walking into her house and spitting in her face.

Disgusting and deplorable.

[andrea]

oh Anna... I hope that this New Year for you is devoid of sadness and grief.. you deserve a year of joy and happiness and love...

As you know, I've been reading you since 2004, when you were the age I am now, and all this time I have wished I could have your strength, your courage, your ability to love. You've come so far... found a voice and a presence in this new medium that I never really did... and I cannot claim to speak for anyone else, but I think it's highly likely that your father would be proud of you for the name you have made and the respect you have earned.

I won't speak to the troll, because all it does is spread more negativity. There's no reason for such things in this world, which tends towards disorder anyway... so just order your thoughts, your mind, and only let in the best :)

[Shalini (known as Shalu on Sepia Mutiny)]

Anna, I just noted that someone posted something rather rude on your blog under the same nickname I use on Sepia Mutiny (Shalu). I want to clarify that it is NOT one and the same...I am the Shalu (Shalini Parekh) who is on your facebook.

I'm saddened that someone would post something like that to you, and I would be horrified to think that you might mistake that jerk's comments for mine.

*hug*