March 12: Things Fall Apart

I checked my alerts, saw a new post on SM. 

Read that post and comments, noticed that I was getting credit for something I did not do.

I got confused; I surfed back to past SM post to see who wrote the post I didn't write.

Read the post, started skimming the comments.

Saw a super-courteous, and much-appreciated (even a year later) comment which directed thread-jackers elsewhere, to a whole new post/discussion on that person's own blog.

Followed the link and read the post; still smiling at this point, what an awesome thing for them to do.

Read the first comment and felt like Bruce Banner, turning green as my shirt shredded.

Hulk mad.

Immediately started to respond.

Paused.

Hulk sad.

Realized that many of the people who frequent that space dislike both me and SM.

Asked myself what good would or could come, from my addressing closed minds.

Stifled my inner-15-year-old, who is not so clear-headed, calm or philosophical.

Immediately comforted said 15-year-old, who internally wailed, "I can't keep this in!  Stop telling me that I shouldn't leave this comment because I'll be over it by tomorrow!  YOU'RE NOT EVEN MY REAL MOM!"

Sighed.

Remembered that this is why I have this diary, which I have not felt safe to express myself in, for over a year.

Copied the comment, hit the "x" to close the tab.

Turned back to brown from green.

Toggled back, pasted.

Realized my four remaining readers have no context for afore-pasted, random-assed comment from a year ago, which pissed me off today, when I'm fragile.

Deleted shitty comment which acted as cataylst for a diary entry.

Started typing disjointed sentences.

About what is really wrong.

::

No, I'm not well right now.

And this is how I type when it all falls apart.

And this is why I couldn't let a year-old comment from some unfair, judgmental &%$# go.

Not when I'm suffering like this.

::

I once had an ex-bf who said that G-d keeps me miserable because when I am suffering, I create.  I paint, or cook, or I type. I was disturbed by that opinion; I thought that was a stereotype.  Unfortunately, my ex- might be correct.  See:  HERstory.

::

I don't want to go to work tomorrow, because after last week, everything is different.

Everything I worked my ass off for and ruined my health over has been erased, by a newly-appointed, old bully who has hated me since day one; she has a special hate-erection for other women, minorities and anyone with more degrees than her (she's a h.s. grad).  She's my new supervisor!

We didn't even work together, but now, she is my superior, though I still don't work in her department.  That's what you would call a worst-case-scenario, kids. 

As she put it on her second day of bossing, "Here's how this is going to work-- you will continue to do all you have done, but you will complete it a day early, to allow for my gracious assistance; then you will provide it to me, and I will check it because you are not skilled or experienced enough to turn something in without some oversight.  After I waste time I don't have looking at your unreliable work, I will then submit it to our PM, since I'm ultimately responsible for it."

Meaning, she's going to take credit if I do do everything, and she's going to raise hell if I don't.

My old supervisor?  Transferred away, as a reward for all the beautiful work we had done as a team.  She's the reason why I didn't mind working through lunch 4/5 days a week.  She didn't ask me to do that, but if she was going to sacrifice lunch to get what we were tasked with done, I wasn't about to bail on her.  Together, we turned around an ailing branch of the org chart.

Our old boss, who was cognizant of and grateful for all we had done?  Fired.  They didn't even let him leave with dignity.

There is no one to approach, if I want to go "over someone's head".  You see, after they escorted my old boss out of the building, they assigned someone from corporate to be his temporary successor.  That person feels that this entire project is beneath him and he keeps us aware of his opinion by raining down his fury and resentment upon us.  He has yet to make eye contact with me.  He bears an eerie resemblance to someone called "Lumbergh".  Did I mention that he and the office bully are best buds?  My word means nothing.

Normally, there would be far less angst, far more grit and steely determination; I would look for a new job, but that seems like a stupid thing to do, when I'm about to flip coasts. I have never been lucky with landing new gigs from 3,ooo miles away.

::

All this, on top of my ailing health, the continuing online torment by one unstoppable troll, the myriad heating and plumbing issues my apartment suffers (which I don't want to deal with reporting), the loss of a close family member and everything else some of you are aware of.

It's just so much to bear.  I loved my job until last week.  Now, I dread it.  Like everyone else, that's where I spend the majority of my conscious hours.  What a terrible future to behold: I will now spend most of my waking hours in something Dante could have concocted.

I hate having my hand forced.  I hate doing things b/c I'm desperate and option-less.  I've been struggling with a possible move, and those of you who know me IRL know that "struggle" is not an exaggeration.  I love the East coast.  I'm here for a reason.  I may not be, for much longer.  So much for my obsessed-over, thought-out plans for farewell SM meetups, teary trips to Amma, visits to family members, final falafels de Amsterdam, Moghul museum exhibits, cherry blossoms, a predetermined sneer for Georgetown Cupcakes, out of my loyalty towards Baked and Wired...

::

Oh, and did I mention that I got a rather disturbing letter from the IRS?  When it rains, it monsoons.

Comments

[Sheela]

Hi Anna,
Praying that it all gets better. Heard that corny line "everything happens for a reason"?. Well, corny or not, it is true and eventually turns out to be the best reasons. Take care girl.
Hugs across the miles,
Sheela

[nina]

do your best to keep your head up!! eveything will work out perfectly in the end, i know it! (and im praying for it too!!)

[Sarah]

--hugs--

Sorry to hear you're having such a rough time. I hope it ends soon and something beautiful comes out of it all.

[brimful]

*hugs* and then some

It is hard to leave a place when you aren't ready to do so. For some of us, there will always be a push-pull in our lives, whether we are on the East Coast or West. But I know you will emerge from this, like other challenges, bruised, but not broken.

[mnte]

Keep your head up Anna, you know you are better than any of this, you are so much stronger than you think...all the trollish folk will soon find themselves answering to demons of the most unkind variety soon enough. With your experience you could easily land a job in the tech heavy Bay area.

...And tonight's powerball is 275 mil. I'm playing a few tix. If I win, I'll split it w/ you 50/50...sounds good? good.

[bombaygirl]

Hey...I looked for and got a job in SF when I was living in Chicago! You can do it, chickie. Hang in there. Your current work sitch sound miserable. But you know...its better to be fired (you can get a good severance package!). Your new job won't care. Really. Because you can get great recommendations from your old boss & supervisors. It really does work out for the best. Though it sucks when you are in the middle of it.