A N N A J O H N ' S D I A R Y

Dead on my feet

Something a bit disturbing happened to me today; I was running an errand, picking up contacts for G when I was suddenly overwhelmed by this...all-consuming exhaustion. It made no sense. I've done no heavy labor. I haven't been sleeping well lately, but this was something different. It was 2pm and I wanted, no, needed to lie down. Almost immediately. While I was driving down Connecticut avenue. Nicht gut. Nicht gut at all. 

I ended up turning on Tilden and high-tailing it back here and lying down but I was perplexed. What was making me feel this massive level of fatigue. Something wasn't right and I felt terrible. I started to fret; what if I get a job? How will I deal with nine hours somewhere if I can't handle a 45 minute errand? WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME?

After sleeping for a bit (and yet, I woke up still exhausted) I called my mom and she sussed out the problem. My medications had just been changed and the newest one was known to cause extreme fatigue. I felt drugged. I've been roofied once (!) and this felt a LOT like that, which is a terrifying feeling. It was also frustrating, because through no fault of my own, I was being impeded because my...less than capable new physician hadn't heard my concerns about changing a routine that was working for me. It all felt so unnecessary. And scary. And I don't want to keep feeling like this, but I'm no doctor and I don't have another appointment for several weeks. This blows.

Letting perfect be the enemy of good.

So in my last post, I bemoaned my apparent inability to participate in Lent. I felt truly awful about myself and that feeling has persisted over the last three weeks-- hence no posting. I don't know how the two got connected in my mind, but they did. Ugh.

Today I realized that the only thing stopping me from "starting" Lent was myself. Sure, we're 20 days in, but who gives a shit? What if I set that intention right now and fast until Easter. Shouldn't that count for something? In my case it almost counts for more because I'm typically super-defeatist and it's nearly impossible for me to forgive myself and give something a second (or third. or fifth) shot. But I've been thinking about this and I want to do Lent. I want to struggle and sacrifice and reflect on my choices. And the only thing stopping me is this stupid idea that I somehow missed the fasting train.

Fuck. that. shit.

I know, I'm cursing in a Lent post, but give me a second and I'll explain. I decided that Gd is probably a "better late than never"-sort of deity, based on the parable of the prodigal son. That's me! Prodigal! If only I were a prodigy. ANYWAY, I think Gd will still love it if I start fasting now, three weeks in, so that's what I'm going to do. Here's what I'm giving up:

Lenten failure.

So...lent started yesterday and...I'm still eating.

And swearing.

And watching crap on TV (my mom thinks fasting from this is more important).

Sigh. I have failed at Lent and we are only one day in. I know that's a defeatist attitude, but that's how I feel, damn it. I don't understand myself, either...I had every intention of doing Lent this year. Last year, it was a period of reflection and significant weight loss. Yeah, I said it. Weight loss. The best diet for me is one with Gd in the middle of it. But here we are on March 4th and I'm still eating ice cream like it's my last meal. 

I feel a bit ashamed. And like Easter is going to suck this year, all because I have no self-fucking-control. Ugh, and I'm swearing. Time to log off. :(