yeah, YOU motherfucker. in the black eclipse, 7:45 pm, highway 99 south at mack road. you were in front of me and you wouldn't move. no worries, son. you can go 70 in the passing lane if you want to...when i'm in a good mood, i don't give a fuck what other people do. and what a mood i was in; black francis crooning "levitate me" , sunroof open to let in the california dusk that looked as if it had been painted by gaugin, five minutes from home on a friday night, after a week of exhausting overtime. i was on my way to the gym to run and do abs and i was thrilled to be alive. i didn't do anything to commence this little bit of humiliation that you suffered; YOU brought it on yourself.
without even paying attention to you i overtook you, respectfully. i did not cut you off, i didn't care that you existed. but you. YOU. you can break every rule of common courtesy on the road, but heaven forbid someone else wants to get in front of you. suddenly, your stunted right foot discovered the accelerator. you got heated. you flashed your brights. this was a minor irritation, like an ant crawling up your leg on a radiant summer day. flick it off and move on. in front of you, i raised my right hand gracefully, as evocative as a bharatnatyam movement, wrist at a philosophical 90 degrees as if to ask "what can you do?" i thought that would be the end of it.
i went back to the pixies and thought of seinfeld, since i had been running around on a completely empty tank, like kramer and the car salesman did. i understood a bit of their exhilaration and i was not paying attention to you. so you gunned your piece of shit, bottom-of-the-line eclipse. you pulled up next to me...and you flipped me off. whatever, assclown. i am the zen padwan. the force was with me. you cannot ruffle my fine-ass feathers. i knew you wanted to overtake me and i didn't give two shits. you, after all, are inconsequential. you also drive a mitsubishi. i felt pity for your sad life. zero down, zero interest, zero payments for a year to match a zero indian boy with zero balls and zero life. at least you match, loser.
we would've still been okay...it didn't need to get ugly...but no. you had to teach the bespectacled indian girl a lesson. you slammed on your brakes because you are an infantile shit-for-brains moron and you slowed to 60 in front of me, to school me. i was boxed in. you gloated. who the fuck do you think you are? my dad? asshole, my dad would've kicked the crap out of you for being such a disgrace to the male gender. you were weaving while sober. your hands were shaking at the wheel of your cheap little plastic ride. YOU do not fucking teach ME shit, got that? now i was getting vexed. who are you to fuck with me? i know your kind, and you should just cower in the corner where you belong you craven little twat.
i sighed, for i knew what would come next. i saw my opening and i took it. i SMOKED your garbage 147-hp fake sports car in my STOCK '02 honda civic you have twenty more hp on me AND a manual transmission. you sad, sad fuck. i KILLED you. and while i was overtaking you, without thinking, i pointed at my lap and then held up my right forefinger and thumb, with an inch in between..."small dick" i mouthed at you. rolling my eyes. not only do you have no penis to speak of, you don't know how to drive, and that which you don't know how to drive is a mitsubishi and btw, a girl has bigger nuts than you.
so you thought i was lucky? that the stars aligned for me and that you were actually a superior driver? you tried again. i spanked you again. you kept gunning, i kept putting distance between us. you were too scared to drive like me. i watched you hesitate like the little bitch you are. ain't no future in your frontin' son. you want to drive aggressively, then drive aggressively. don't literally get all up in my grill and then pussy out, because you will just get bitter and then irritate me further due to your own inadequacies.
i actually thought the game was over by then, that you had been shamed enough for one night. so i was slowing down, responsibly in the extreme right lane in anticipation of my exit. you saw me, and cut people off to take the same one. but we must remember, you can't drive for shit. while you were nervously trying to guage a lane change that was completely clear, i sailed past you, overtook a little old lady in a volvo on my way up the laguna exit and weaved in and out of two lanes poetically without antagonizing or hurting anyone. when i waved at you, and gave you a final "one incher" via my sunroof, i saw what you called me.
it's okay.
i imagine that it's difficult being you. i wasn't even trying, and i spanked you raw. in my stock honda civic. with its automatic transmission. that desperately needs a tune-up, oil change, realignment and fresh tank of gas. you sad fuck. i wanted you to follow me home. i would have destroyed you. my psychic german shepherd was waiting at my sidewalk, ears erect after hearing the VTEC scream from half a mile away. she's actually a very sweet dog, but seeing as how she weighs as much as you, you could have saved me the cost of her kibbles and bits by letting her eat your worthless ass for her dinner. oh wait, she likes MEAT...and we all know by your behaviour...that you have NONE to offer.