HERstory

Set me alight, we'll punch a hole right through the night. Every day the dreamers die to see what's on the other side...

i got my bloglet update and was inspired to check in on a blog with one of my favourite names ever-- "tiffinbox". i scrolled mindlessly through, preparing to delete when a certain item caught my eye. whenever i see the words "God's own country", i'm always interested to find out more...i clicked the hyperlink. i was surprised and later delighted to discover that the post that featured that phrase was an excerpt from an email/travelogue. just reading the posted e-missive made me smile, settle further in to my chair and send a silent thank you to heaven for making me Malayalee. and giving me big brown eyes. :)

"i can't even begin to explain how incredibly beautiful kerala is, but i will try because it is worth the attempt. people here call it "god's own country" and i see why they believe that. in the past several days we have seen amazing beaches, beautiful little temples, churches and mosques in the little surrounding villages, amazing sunsets, fields and fields of rice paddies, coconut and banana trees as far as the eye can see, the big white smiles of people, big brown eyes of the children, jungles, lagoons, and now forests. and added to all of that is all of our amazing experiences with the people here. they are so proud of their land, work so hard, crazy back-breaking work and all with their own two hands, they believe in the politics of their place (can you imagine that? i can't tell you how many communist flags we've seen proudly hanging in the villages with pictures of che everywhere!), and most amazing of all, they remain, truly in awe of the beauty of this place. it really has re-defined my perspective on peace, happiness, quality of life, so many things...."

If it's "G-d's own country", wouldn't it logically follow that its inhabitants are like angels? if only Malayalee people could be as lovely towards one another as our metaphorical counterparts are...that would be a fitting tribute to the earthly paradise that some of us are lucky enough to call home...

farewell, sex and *my* city.

and....it's over.

the show that once convinced me to pay extra for HBO in order to see (well, that and the sopranos)...the show that taught all of you exactly what to call the heels i live in...the show that vindicated my unappreciated, misunderstood fashion experiments...is gone. i haven't watched it in almost two years. SATC kept me afloat when i was turning allergic to d.c. i feened for it back then...once i got to live in new york...correction, once i got to live my charmed life in new york city, i no longer needed to dream vicariously through SATC. suddenly i had my own adventures and punny conversations. :)

anyway, you should stop reading this post NOW if you've tivo'd SATC and you don't know how it all ends. i'm about to discuss. this is what's known as...a spoiler. so hie thee to another blog/post/distraction if you are the only eskimo on the planet who doesn't know whom carrie picked, honeychile.

are you gone yet? fucking scram already.

all right, good. let's get on with it...

i could've told you that she would've picked big. i'm half-carrie (though i'm not buying one of those lame tank tops to declare it) and that's what *i* would've done. when she cheated on aidan with big...that's when i truly understood the depth of her love for "john". i'm not a cheater, in fact i condemn them vituperatively...but i didn't hate her for doing it. life isn't a simple as it was when i was younger, and i had black and white rules that governed my own personal morality. i'm not endorsing infidelity-- that thought alone makes me laugh...i'm the girl so loyal that i won't dance with other boys when i'm someone's girlfriend-- i'm just stating that i understand why she did it...and if you do choose to do something like that then recognise it for what it is; a sign that cannot be misinterpreted. if you're going to hurt someone good and sweet (like aidann) for someone else, than your heart knows the truth. "someone else" is the one you need.

i'm meandering all over the place with this.

it's just that i nodded when i saw the one minute synopsis of the SATC finale. i "got" it. after all, sometimes i think that i have a "big" in my life, too. maybe we all do. i'm a sucker for a brutal, edge-of-your-seat love story. and i'm glad that my 50% alter-ego got hers. may i get mine, one day. ;)

oh, who's my other half?

:)

charlotte. the sorority girl. ( i was almost a Kappa! ) the girly girl. the conservative. the sweet one. EVERYONE always gets me wrong...the real idiots think i'm "samantha", and that's just an apposite comment on how lame brown people can be..."oooh, anna says 'fuck' a lot...she's feisty...intimidating...she must be a whore!" ha. far from it. i bristle at that mischaracterization. anyway, no one ever confuses me for miranda, even though my entire world thought that i'd end up a lawyer. most people say "carrie", b/c of the shoe fetish, the writing and the center of attention thing. anyway.

i'm wasting your time and mine with desultory stream of half conscious.

this isn't what i was going to write...

you see, i have this very personal, important post i've been working on for a week now. it was 95% done and then my laptop died and i lost half of it. and it feels like torture when i think of having to retype it all...i can still see most of the words, where they were placed in that document (i have a near photographic memory for some things-- don't get excited, nothing useful)...how they flowed...maybe it's more than feeling like it's tedious...maybe i don't want to introspect that much again. writing that post was extremely difficult for me. can you blame me for not wanting to go there? it ouched.

sigh. don't worry. i'll go there. i have no choice. (all things shall become clear in due time, children.)

while i procrastinate poorly (i do have a bit of an excuse-- spending the last five days all vomity is NOT conducive to writing ANYTHING), feel free to leave me a comment telling me which SATCer you are. do not feel free to leave a comment telling me that you're getting one of those sad tank tops. i'll just "carry" you. publicly. for your consummate lameness. :)

like i got nothin' else to do ;)

wow. one last insomniac check of my email...and lookey here...so many thoughts swirling around my head. make a list, anna, it works for the kid brudda. ;)

1) despite this daunting plethora of queries, i'm going to answer him.

2) i probably AM related to him, b/c he has that inimitable kurushmootil blackmailing style DOWN...

3) there was a snazzy waving american flag graphic on his original email. i feel the need to alert you to this, b/c he obviously went through some trouble to respect and honour my flag and it's too bad it doesn't show here... ;) so now you know. homeboy likes the stars and stripes.

4) if i could just get over my fucking self and my perfectionist proclivities, i could send this dear soul MY legendary, elusive MASTER'S THESIS which covered all of this and more. sigh.

5) ah yes, if any of you wish to add your thoughts, please feel free to comment here. i will incorporate what you say (provided that it is intelligent and insightful and it doesn't annoy me) and credit you accordingly when i write the term paper that my "distant cousin" is blackmailing me for. fun!

+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::+::

Dear Anna,

If I may introduce myself, my name is Cherian Samuel and I am a Delhi-based researcher working on a project on the Indian Diaspora. Prior to this, I was working with India Abroad here in Delhi (while it still belonged to Mr. Gopal Ragu:-)

Re. the reason for this mail, I have a few queries regarding American Politics in general and the role of Indian Americans in particular, and since I seem to know as much as the next expert on the United States here in Delhi, I was hoping to get some enlightenment on this subject from someone who is right in the thick of the action. I would like to give you a sampling of the queries I have and I do hope you will respond else I am up the proverbial creek without a paddle!

One problem I have faced is that of getting a correct perspective because I get most of my information from Indian American ethnic papers such as India Abroad and India West which have a tendency to put every achievement, small or big, by Indian Americans in banner headlines. So, my first question would be how small or how big a fish are Indian Americans in the very big pond that is American politics.

Regarding the Indian American internship programmes, I was initially under the impression that these were conducted mainly by the IACFPA but I recently come across a reference that similar programmes are also conducted by the IAFPE. So, in what way one is one internship programme different from the other? That also begs the larger question as to the amount of overlap between the functions of the myriad number of Indian American organisations. My other problem sitting here is that I find it difficult to sift the wheat from the chaff; for instance I have been looking at the various Indian American groups and one of the more prominent ones that I have located on the Internet is the Indian American friendship Council run by a Dr. Krishna Reddy. How has he succeeded where others have failed? Also, he does seem to indulge in a fair bit of self-promotion; there is reference to an award that he was given by the President of India but I am unable to find independent confirmation that he was actually given such an award and what it was. Have you met the man and is he genuine or just another publicity seeker (a photocrat, I believe, is how Kumar Barve terms such people)

I would also like your insight into the indifference of Indian Americans to political affairs. Does that arise out of a sense of inferiority, or is it just that professional and family obligations leave little time for anything else?

These, then, are some of the doubts that have thrown themselves up in the course of my study, and I have turned to you for lack of anyone else to satisfactorily clear my queries. There are quite a few more where these came from but I thought I would first find out whether you have the time and the inclination to help out a needy soul before throwing them at you! I do hope you will save me the trouble of digging out some distant relation who will, no doubt, be related to your distant relation to drag out the family tree and count the number of times my part of the clan has helped out yours and come to the conclusion that it's your turn to help so that I get what I want;-) I also hope you will give this lightly veiled threat the consideration it deserves:-)

And with that odious attempt at humour (and this equally reprehensible attempt at artificial alliteration:-), I bid you adios.

I do hope you will respond one way or the other.

Yours sincerely


Cherian

two worlds collided...

Dearest "Senator",

your command is my wish:

(precious)heart,
ggp

30 utterly useless questions. but hey, it's fresh content!

i feel like posting *something* on this, my main blog and someone just sent the following for me to fill out...i already did a different one of these...things...quizzes...wastes of time...on my diary, so it feels apposite to place the new one here.

enjoy. copy. ping me. edify. whatever. me exhausted. zzzzzzzzzz.

1. WHAT TIME DID YOU GO TO BED LAST NIGHT?

5:30 am. who loves insomnia? i fucking do!

2. IF YOU COULD CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOURSELF WHAT WOULD IT BE?

i'd have a WAY thicker skin.

3. PAPER OR PLASTIC?

paper, but only if they have handles. i usually just bring my own though. i don't need a million pieces of crap to worry about storing, i.e. i don't need THAT many plastic bag-turned-liners for the vanity trash can etc. this is actually one of my quirks. i "get in to it" with clerks more often than i expected to..."no thank you, i actually don't need a bag." then they look at me like i'm a freak. then i point to the tiny package of hair elastics (the ONE item i purchased) and i point to my huge purse. then they piss me off. "um. you HAVE to take a bag." at which point my life dissolves in to a seinfeld episode as i ask where the FUCK is it posted that i HAVE to wreck the environment? etc ad nauseum.

4. WHAT WAS THE LAST BOOK/MAGAZINE YOU READ?

The Automatic Millionaire. it changed my life. and yes, devina honey, i owe you a post about how and why it did. i know, i KNOW, i can't just write stuff like that and leave you hanging...just know that i have NOT forgotten. :) oh, and btw, it's cheaper at Costco. see? you're already on your way to riches?! ;)

5. A TV SHOW YOU CAN'T STAND TO WATCH?

Fear Factor. eating a horse's anus is just wrong. and we all know anna be squeamish. ugh. i didn't like survivor either, but i'm not going to knock all reality TV. oh, also, i hate all Sacramento newscasts. they don't just suck, they TEABAG. what else...Drew Carey. that fat bastard with the blue eyeshadow TERRIFIES me. the fact that it's a show about the midwest terrifies me. gah!

6. WHAT DID YOU EAT FOR LUNCH TODAY?

macaroni and cheese. :)

7. DO YOU LIKE TO BE SURPRISED?

yesh. obviously only good ones, though. don't surprise me with ICKY things...

8. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR TOOTHBRUSH?

it's the newest braun oral-B 3-d excel so it's all different shades of blue and white...it lights up blue. very cool.

9. WHAT BRAND OF DEODORANT DO YOU WEAR?

when i can get it, vaseline intensive care deo from Boots the chemist, UK. otherwise that cloying teen spirit crap. what can i say, i like nirvana.

10. YOUR FAVORITE STORE TO SHOP?

i have to pick ONE?! damn it. this is horrifying.
for food: whole foods.
for shoes: nordstrom
in DC: the hecht's at metro center (greatest sales on cashmere EVER)
for denim: diesel
other clothing: french connection

i'm actually blanking. i think it's because i can't take the pressure. ;)

okay quick list, then we're moving on, like this is the LSAT or something :)
trader joe's, j.crew, the saks ON fifth avenue, dean and deluca, chanel, hermes, sanrio, oh hell, i pick costco. where else can i get a chanel bag, a prada tote, a case of black, the goose gift set, my favourite artisan breads, bonny doon framboise, gruyere, gourmay and goat cheese, odwalla OJ, two dozen roses, lemon verbena shower gel, a case of four dozen glitter gel pens, the Dido cd, the lost in translation dvd, books, a new sprint celly, a baume and mercier tank watch, tires for my ride...

i think you get the picture. ;)

11. WINTER, SPRING, SUMMER OR FALL?

depends on where-- spring in CA, fall on the right coast.

12. FAVORITE DESSERT?

in nyc- koffee kulfi at tabla, in d.c.- the chocolate souffle cake at cities, in dallas- sopapillas at Chuey's, in SF- the vanilla french toast with extra whip cream, fresh strawberries and maple syrup, in sac- kahlua apricot mocha layer cake from Ettore.

13. WHICH ONE WOULD YOU PREFER - MAID OR PERSONAL CHEF?

what are you, an idiot? a MAID.

14. FAVORITE CANDY?

british cadbury fruit and nut.

15. REGULAR OR DECAF?

decaf. i'm sensitive to everything, including caffeine.

16. FAVORITE RESTAURANT?

another list...i'm getting tired. tamarind. bread bar. bukhara. cafe spice. heritage india. amma. the mansion at turtle creek. cafe izmir. ristorante piatti. il fornaio. dos coyotes. gaylord's. first crush. i'm sure i'm leaving some out...

17. CHARACTERISTICS YOU MOST ADMIRE?

calm. generous. loyal. honest. kind. happy. like anyone has an issue with ANY of these.

18. FAVORITE HOLIDAY?

the first week of january-- nye --- bday ---> orthodox xmas

19. FAVORITE TIME OF DAY?

i'm a freak. (according to some anon. asshole who posted here) thus, i only come out at night.

20. FRUIT OR FRUIT SMOOTHIE?

ah, but what about FROOTI ;) seirously, i choose fruit. mango/raspberries/pomegranate/tangerines...all peeled/cut by moms ;)

21. HOW MANY RINGS ARE YOU WEARING?

none when i'm typing. it slows me down (75wpm). and we all know how i feel about speed.

22. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR MEAT PREPARED?

i'm a vegetarian. but if i DID, i'd want it burned. charred. kill that motherfucker TWICE. eeew.

23. WHAT WAS THE LAST CARD YOU SENT SOMEONE?

it was a "boy chase girl" lupercalia card. i shit you not. :)

24. WHAT RADIO STATION IS ON WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW?

the new one...103.9, all 80s. i wish we had an all NPR channel up here...sigh. in SF? 92.7 for dance music. 106 kmel for hip-hop. we'll see if live 105 redeems the'selves. in d.c.? just npr and the beeb. in nyc? my hot 97 every day that's my...oh and npr in ny is phenomenal. i do miss the old live 105 (sf) and the erstwhile wdre (nyc).

25. ONION RINGS OR FRENCH FRIES?

onions!? gah!!! desert fries (1 lb) extra mirchi with ranch at Baghdad cafe, to go. orgasm in a box. hee hee. oh, never mind. ;)

26. DO YOU LIKE TO PLAY CARDS OR BOARD GAMES?

no. yes. i taught my sister to play monopoly when she was 3 b/c i was bored w/her. she bought her first two homes before she was 24. coincidence? i think...NOT.

27. NAILS POLISHED OR UNPOLISHED?

if i have scrill, manicured and pedicured 2x a month. since i have no scrill, there be nothin' on my digits.

28. DO YOU LIKE NUTS ON YOUR SUNDAES?

not really...but if someone wanted to throw candied pecans on i'd say hell yes.

29. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SODA?

i don't drink soda. i'm more likely to have an italian soda...ah wait. vintage coke in the glass bottle. to go with my johnny walker GOLD.

30. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH ON TV?

49ers games. college basketball. world cup footie. i'm not really in to this though. if someone else significant wants to watch it, i'm happy to fall asleep in their lap or nearby. you won't even notice i'm there. ;)

"Dear Anna"...welcome to my shamateur advice for the lovelorn

Dear Admirer (i feel awful typing that...yes, even shameless me blushes at some things),

i am still awe-struck that anyone turns to me, especially you. thank you for all the lovely things you say about my blog...and me. as for starting an advice column, no, i am not above such things! truthfully, you're the only one who's ever asked, so how about if i'm just *your* advice columnist? i promise i'm not even qualified to be that, and you're so kind to let me try. :)

deep breath...eek!

you know, i do actually take this really seriously.

more than anyone i know, i'm keenly aware of the "human" butterfly effect...how what we do/say/choose can change other people's lives and vice versa. for example, thanks to meeting Side Angle Side for the first time, my photographs no longer SUCK. i answer a random blog-related email in late december and its author is now someone i chat with several times a DAY. (what's up, uncle?)

anyway. this is the letter that i received on january 27. yes, it's taken me all this time to even attempt a reply. what can i say? i'm spooked by responsibility.

Dear Anna,

I am befuddled. Why do I turn to you? Because, when I read your blogs I see not only passion and zest for life, but a hint of experience that is not so easily found in one so young.

So - would you like to start an advice column :)?

Just kidding. Perhaps you are above such things.

Anyway, my dilemma - although noone, not even wise men sent by God can solve my problem, I am seeking advice. A while ago I lost my love, someone who I know realize I want to have by my side for the remainder of my years. It was then that I stumbled upon your blog, saw the sincerity of your words, and the strenth in moving on and not making the pain disappear, but just trying to let go of the hauntingly unchangable past.

Now, some time has passed. I long for what I said no to in my innocence, in my confusion. And I am fortunate enough to have the opportunity to get back what I let go of. BUT it comes with the stipulation that I must accept that things happened while my head was turned away. Things that can not be taken back. Things that disgust me profoundly. An act that I would not perhaps forgive in other people, but that I am willing to forgive in this case, out of love and out of either clarity in vision or cloudiness in eyesight - it is hard to say, because as clearheaded as I think I am, I wonder if love ever provides one with a clear vision.

I believe that when a relationship starts anew, we must put the past behind us. But these actions occurred post-knowing me.

I present this question now to you - Can such mistakes be forgiven? When someone hurts you not intentionally, but knowingly, is that forgivable? What do you think. A beloved friendship, possibly a relationship, rides on this.

-admirer.

have mercy.

what a pickle you're in, gentle blog-phile. the one excellent thing about your situation is that you actually answered your own question. what's even cooler than THAT is that the all-mighty-anna agrees with you. ;) i must confess, for the first 48 hours after i read your comment, i was consumed with compulsive conjecture; what on earth could the disgusting act be?? forgive me, but as a dilettante writer, my imagination is so fecund it's almost detrimental...

once i let go of all the scenario-creating my feverish brain was doing, i actually went and hid somewhere and thougth about you. took some painfully deep breaths. and then i did what i'm actually kinda good at. i pretended to be you.

i tried to imagine what i would do/choose/feel if i were you. then i substituted the very situation that inspired you to get in touch with me, and i tested my reactions there...same. i'm going to answer your actual question now, and then prattle on a bit. what say you? oh, like you can say anything. it's my blog. you're all just living in it. and destroying your productivity with it. ;)

I present this question now to you - Can such mistakes be forgiven? When someone hurts you not intentionally, but knowingly, is that forgivable? What do you think. A beloved friendship, possibly a relationship, rides on this.

yes. mistakes can be forgiven. especially if you love the sinner, then it's even easier to hate the sin. as for the sinner (oy vey, i know, i know...but i'm using it for lack of a better term...what can i do?) hurting you knowingly but not intentionally, that took me a little while to untangle...i think what you mean is, that the sinner didn't hurt you on purpose, or b/c they wanted to...but on some level they knew that their "sin" would upset you, if you ever found out...(geez that was convoluted...my apologies). despite all my verbal meandering, my answer remains unchanged. if it wasn't the sinner's intent to hurt you, then i think they just might merit forgiveness.

but hey, you're asking a bleeding heart christian. i've been conditioned since AD 52 to turn a rosy, chanel'd cheek whenever i get smacked down. ;)

...An act that I would not perhaps forgive in other people, but that I am willing to forgive in this case, out of love...

and there's your answer, darling admirer. ooooh, i love it when people agree with me. ;)

I believe that when a relationship starts anew, we must put the past behind us. But these actions occurred post-knowing me.

i know that they occurred after the "sinner" knew you, but if i may be so candidly new york about it, that doesn't matter. you still have to do what you initially said, and put the past behind you, where it belongs.

the greatest thing i got out of 2003 was the ability to be somewhat mindful. once you resist regret and becoming consumed with the past or anxious about the future, you can live, fully and truly. you can be present. i dated my college sweetheart a second time, in 1998. we had broken up in 1995...and there was a lot of pain, a lot of unresolved nastiness. all of that negativity was like a cancer on our relationship, the second time around. we couldn't let go of the past and it destroyed the gift of our "present". if you are honest with yourself, and you hear that tiny voice inside, and it confides that you truly *can't* let it (the sin) go...then you have your answer. don't hurt yourself by repeatedly dashing your fragile self against a brick wall called grudge. unless you can say goodbye to the past, commencing a new relationship is pointless.

at my very core, i am essentially an optimist. i think you can do anything you want, if you want it enough. i also think that if something is meant to be, then it will be, so it's not worth it to worry and fret, my pet. if you yearn for this person, if your heart is telling you "this is IT", then let go of your pride, fear and pain.

throw your arms around their neck and whisper "show me, show me, show me how you do that trick, the one that makes me scream," you'll say..."the one that makes me laugh", you'll say...

"Show me how you do it
And I promise you I promise that
I'll run away with you
I'll run away with you..."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

the away message that has remained in my stable the longest is one of my favourite quotes of all time, and it's what i'll conclude with...

amor vincit omnia. ~virgil

...that means, love conquers ALL. :) now go find your heaven. and do tell me what happens...i'm all invested now. ;)