Dear Admirer (i feel awful typing that...yes, even shameless me blushes at some things),
i am still awe-struck that anyone turns to me, especially you. thank you for all the lovely things you say about my blog...and me. as for starting an advice column, no, i am not above such things! truthfully, you're the only one who's ever asked, so how about if i'm just *your* advice columnist? i promise i'm not even qualified to be that, and you're so kind to let me try. :)
deep breath...eek!
you know, i do actually take this really seriously.
more than anyone i know, i'm keenly aware of the "human" butterfly effect...how what we do/say/choose can change other people's lives and vice versa. for example, thanks to meeting Side Angle Side for the first time, my photographs no longer SUCK. i answer a random blog-related email in late december and its author is now someone i chat with several times a DAY. (what's up, uncle?)
anyway. this is the letter that i received on january 27. yes, it's taken me all this time to even attempt a reply. what can i say? i'm spooked by responsibility.
Dear Anna,I am befuddled. Why do I turn to you? Because, when I read your blogs I see not only passion and zest for life, but a hint of experience that is not so easily found in one so young.
So - would you like to start an advice column :)?
Just kidding. Perhaps you are above such things.
Anyway, my dilemma - although noone, not even wise men sent by God can solve my problem, I am seeking advice. A while ago I lost my love, someone who I know realize I want to have by my side for the remainder of my years. It was then that I stumbled upon your blog, saw the sincerity of your words, and the strenth in moving on and not making the pain disappear, but just trying to let go of the hauntingly unchangable past.
Now, some time has passed. I long for what I said no to in my innocence, in my confusion. And I am fortunate enough to have the opportunity to get back what I let go of. BUT it comes with the stipulation that I must accept that things happened while my head was turned away. Things that can not be taken back. Things that disgust me profoundly. An act that I would not perhaps forgive in other people, but that I am willing to forgive in this case, out of love and out of either clarity in vision or cloudiness in eyesight - it is hard to say, because as clearheaded as I think I am, I wonder if love ever provides one with a clear vision.
I believe that when a relationship starts anew, we must put the past behind us. But these actions occurred post-knowing me.
I present this question now to you - Can such mistakes be forgiven? When someone hurts you not intentionally, but knowingly, is that forgivable? What do you think. A beloved friendship, possibly a relationship, rides on this.
-admirer.
have mercy.
what a pickle you're in, gentle blog-phile. the one excellent thing about your situation is that you actually answered your own question. what's even cooler than THAT is that the all-mighty-anna agrees with you. ;) i must confess, for the first 48 hours after i read your comment, i was consumed with compulsive conjecture; what on earth could the disgusting act be?? forgive me, but as a dilettante writer, my imagination is so fecund it's almost detrimental...
once i let go of all the scenario-creating my feverish brain was doing, i actually went and hid somewhere and thougth about you. took some painfully deep breaths. and then i did what i'm actually kinda good at. i pretended to be you.
i tried to imagine what i would do/choose/feel if i were you. then i substituted the very situation that inspired you to get in touch with me, and i tested my reactions there...same. i'm going to answer your actual question now, and then prattle on a bit. what say you? oh, like you can say anything. it's my blog. you're all just living in it. and destroying your productivity with it. ;)
I present this question now to you - Can such mistakes be forgiven? When someone hurts you not intentionally, but knowingly, is that forgivable? What do you think. A beloved friendship, possibly a relationship, rides on this.
yes. mistakes can be forgiven. especially if you love the sinner, then it's even easier to hate the sin. as for the sinner (oy vey, i know, i know...but i'm using it for lack of a better term...what can i do?) hurting you knowingly but not intentionally, that took me a little while to untangle...i think what you mean is, that the sinner didn't hurt you on purpose, or b/c they wanted to...but on some level they knew that their "sin" would upset you, if you ever found out...(geez that was convoluted...my apologies). despite all my verbal meandering, my answer remains unchanged. if it wasn't the sinner's intent to hurt you, then i think they just might merit forgiveness.
but hey, you're asking a bleeding heart christian. i've been conditioned since AD 52 to turn a rosy, chanel'd cheek whenever i get smacked down. ;)
...An act that I would not perhaps forgive in other people, but that I am willing to forgive in this case, out of love...
and there's your answer, darling admirer. ooooh, i love it when people agree with me. ;)
I believe that when a relationship starts anew, we must put the past behind us. But these actions occurred post-knowing me.
i know that they occurred after the "sinner" knew you, but if i may be so candidly new york about it, that doesn't matter. you still have to do what you initially said, and put the past behind you, where it belongs.
the greatest thing i got out of 2003 was the ability to be somewhat mindful. once you resist regret and becoming consumed with the past or anxious about the future, you can live, fully and truly. you can be present. i dated my college sweetheart a second time, in 1998. we had broken up in 1995...and there was a lot of pain, a lot of unresolved nastiness. all of that negativity was like a cancer on our relationship, the second time around. we couldn't let go of the past and it destroyed the gift of our "present". if you are honest with yourself, and you hear that tiny voice inside, and it confides that you truly *can't* let it (the sin) go...then you have your answer. don't hurt yourself by repeatedly dashing your fragile self against a brick wall called grudge. unless you can say goodbye to the past, commencing a new relationship is pointless.
at my very core, i am essentially an optimist. i think you can do anything you want, if you want it enough. i also think that if something is meant to be, then it will be, so it's not worth it to worry and fret, my pet. if you yearn for this person, if your heart is telling you "this is IT", then let go of your pride, fear and pain.
throw your arms around their neck and whisper "show me, show me, show me how you do that trick, the one that makes me scream," you'll say..."the one that makes me laugh", you'll say...
"Show me how you do it
And I promise you I promise that
I'll run away with you
I'll run away with you..."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
the away message that has remained in my stable the longest is one of my favourite quotes of all time, and it's what i'll conclude with...
amor vincit omnia. ~virgil
...that means, love conquers ALL. :) now go find your heaven. and do tell me what happens...i'm all invested now. ;)